Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Shoved on the IVF train....


So it's official - Doctor Austin says there is little to no likelihood of us getting preggers on our own or even with medication assisted IUI. Her recommendation is to definitely pursue IVF.

Despite the fact that I have gotten bits and pieces of this information over the last year and that that I thought I had processed it all, I was NOT expecting to have the reaction I did yesterday after my conversation with Dr. Austin.

I completely broke down hysterical crying......I don't get it - I knew this was the probable outcome and yet for some reason I just felt like I had been blind-sided! I went through this tremendous array of emotions ......... sadness, betrayal, anger, despair and heartache, all at once.

I knew that the thoughts running through my head were not true
but there they were anyway....

I felt totally let-down by my body.
I felt like a failure as a woman and a wife.
I felt angry at myself for some of my life choices that have brought me to where I am today.
I felt cheated and hurt after going through everything we have on our TTC journey already.

I guess that's the thing about having hope - it's great to get you through the tough times but when you are faced with the honest facts, it can really hurt!

I think the fact that Dr. Austin stressed to me to work on IVF as soon as possible did NOT help me to feel better. Based on my lab work, I have a slightly diminished ovarian reserve that will only get worse as time goes on. In other word, the longer we wait, the more potential that our IVF journey will be more difficult. Jim and I know that we have to save up for this - it's just not something we can financially do right now. We are hoping and praying that by early fall of 2009 that we will have saved up enough to proceed with trying.
All we can do is try our best at this point.

The conversation about adoption came up again between Jim and I. We will be gathering information about it again just to see what the options are.

Either way, it boils down to us having to save up a significant amount of money. We really can't pursue either until the finances are there.

I just need to say this ............. THIS ISN'T FUCKING FAIR!!!!!!!!!!! NO WAY - NO HOW!
I like to think of myself as a good person - and as such, aren't good things supposed to happen to good people? Then why not us? Why not now? I keep wondering what I am doing wrong and realizing that I will never know that answer.
I am just tired, let-down and disgusted at this point. My patience has worn thin and my surplus of hope and faith is dwindling quickly.

Just for today - I needed to put all this out there.
I needed to say it all out loud for myself and others to hear.

Time will pass and this moment will be forgotten.
I will be okay - I will move on - I always do!!!


Katie said...

I am so sorry that everything comes down to have enough money-it is so hard to realize that money may be keeping you away from your child.

Good luck to you, I hope that you are able to save enough soon so that you can start an IVF cycle.

Batty said...

BIG HUGS! (and tears, and prayers, and sad little smiles that we'll get through this- somehow)

Emmabombemma said...

Jenn, you must feel so devestated. I'm so sorry. I'm hoping for a miracle for you. Either that or some rich eccentric stops you in the street and hands you all the money you need for IVF or adoption. I'm sure, one way or another, you will have your baby in your arms soon. xxx