Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Closing - everything must go!!!


Hi folks - it's been quite some time since I have written and to be perfectly honest, even longer since I could even THINK about coming back to this blog to post.

Over the last 6 months, I have felt this guilt and weight building in my heart.
I felt like I bailed on all my family and friends in the blogosphere after I stopped writing here.

Although it was something I needed to do for my sanity at the time, I just could NOT bring myself to share my true feelings here in an open forum - that is until today.

"So why now?" - you are wondering. Please allow me to share.


I am sure most of you that followed this blog were and still are aware of the journey that Jim and I have traveled in hopes of bringing a child home.

Here is a recap just to bring everyone up to speed.
We started our journey the old fashioned way, then went to basic medical help, followed that by getting significant medical intervention, which was followed by pursing the beginning stages of adoption, and finally having to place everything on hold due to health issues.

Fast forward to Mother's Day this year - what a very mixed holiday.
Loving having my mother around to enjoy, cherish and spend time with.
Hating yet another year passing without a child in my arms or to call ME "mom".
Talk about conflicted.

After the holiday, I found all of these feelings that I thought I had managed to keep at bay for myself as well as Jim, come bubbling up and spewing out.

I felt like I was falling apart and drowning in emotion about this childlessness, all the while thinking to myself....."I thought I was over all this" - pretty stupid thinking eh?

I knew it was time for me to do something about this mess of emotions for myself but just as importantly, it was time to do something for Jim as well as our relationship.

I decided to sit down with Jim to talk about all this and see what came out. It was a heavy, emotion-filled discussion to say the least.

I heard myself saying many things that truly surprised me -

  • that I knew the "conceiving on our own" chapter of our journey was over
  • that given the above statement, maybe it was time for me to consider a hysterectomy (to help with my increasingly awful periods)
  • that the "conceiving with the help of friends eggs/surrogates" could never happen due to finances
  • that given the statement above, it is bittersweet to have actual friends who love you enough to put this type of offer out there, but then can't help you because of the finances.
  • that although I wasn't totally giving up on the possibility of domestic adoption, I knew we would not be able to pursue traditional avenues (adoptions agencies or lawyers) due to finances
  • that I wasn't even sure if I wanted to continue to pursue adoption as a possibility due to the incredibly invasive nature of the process (home study, etc)
It was also pretty clear after some honest sharing from Jim (which is something he does NOT do often) that he had a ton of mixed emotions as well!

I don't know that there was an "official" decision that we came to after our talk however I do know that I felt better for having put it out there and it seemed to have helped Jim as well.

In the end - I realized I needed to close some of the chapters in this journey.
I needed to let go of some of the guilt and sadness in order to move forward.

I knew one of those chapters involved coming back to this blog and closing it for good.
It sounded so scary and sad - It was such a final decision - it was something I couldn't imagine
I managed to put it off for a few months and then along came Father's Day.

And, There it was - my cue, my reminder, my nudge.

So here I am- struggling through my tears to finish this chapter of my story.
Not sure what to say other than THANK YOU.

Thank you for following me and supporting me in this leg of my journey
Hoping you will be there as I open a new chapter in my life.

Love you all.