Sunday, May 31, 2009

Show & Tell - A day late and a championship short.

This Show & Tell is a bit late but here nonetheless!!!
Don't forget to visit Mel over at STIRRUP QUEENS to check out what she and all the other cool kids are showing at the head of THEIR class!

First and foremost - I am still reeling from the great CAVS loss yesterday.
I am disheartened, disappointed, sad but mostly hopeful that maybe JUST maybe next year will be OUR YEAR! A girl can dream....right?

Not too much has been going on that has been picture worthy - so I decided that at the risk of completely annoying and boring the heck out of everyone, I would show a few more ZOEY pics!
In order to understand these pics however I need to give you a bit of information first.

For those of you not aware.....Jim and I have an Ebay business that we do part-time. We sell mostly high end, gently worn clothing items and a few other odds and ends that we come across.
We both have small "Ebay rooms" set up with all our necessary gear for listings - camera, backdrops, hangers, tags, mannequins, etc.

In my Ebay room I have a standing mannequin pole that has both a male & female upper bodice that can be interchanged. Awhile ago for some unknown reason I decided to name the male mannequin bodice - HENRY and the female mannequin bodice- LUCY. (why I am telling you their names - I do not know)

I tend to work much more with LUCY than I do with HENRY simply because I have a better handle on describing women's clothing than my dear husband.
This leaves poor HENRY sitting in the corner of my Ebay room on the floor.

Now HENRY for some odd reason has this cut-out abdomen - I really have no explanation for this though I am sure when someone reads this, they will promptly write me with an obvious explanation ( or at least I hope so) I digress.....

As I had said - HENRY spends a lot of his time just hanging out all alone.............
At least he did until ZOEY showed up.
You see.....ZOEY sleeps locked in my Ebay room every night due to her affinity for nocturnal unprompted purring lovefests and nostril licking.

Now it seems that ZOEY and HENRY have become AMAZINGLY well acquainted................


Friday, May 29, 2009

TGIF or Thank God I finally got a Cavs win!!!

We won.....HALLELUJAH....we won!!!
OyVey....these play-offs are getting exciting folks!!!! The game on Saturday should be a good one! I will need to remember to stretch and take lots of throat lozenges BEFORE the game!

Been rather quiet in this old brain of mine - Can you actually believe it?
I think I am still reeling a bit from last weekend.
Working through and processing. The mood is slowly improving each day which I am thankful for. Trying to keep my mind off the bothersome stuff which is no small task.

We finished up another of our adoption classes last night (again, thank you to Kim and Jenny for the Cavs texted score updates- LOVE YA)

Class was on cultural/racial issues in adoption. Pretty interesting stuff. We did watch a video for class and I am really glad our instructor gave us a "heads up" on it before watching. She told us to keep in mind that the people in the video were in their early 20's and were VERY outspoken in their beliefs. She wanted us to focus on the overall message and not get put off by the individuals. The men and women in the video were themselves transracial adoptees who were possibly considering becoming adoptive parents themselves. They were speaking to their experience and difficulties in being transracial adoptees. Many good points were made in the video and I was able to take away some good food for thought.

I will share however that one of the comments made on that video bothered me to no end.
(I am sharing my opinion completely here - sorry if you disagree )

This woman's comment was a sweeping generalization about couples who come to adoption as their family building choice. She basically said (and I am paraphrasing here) that most couples who come to adoption do so because of Infertility issues and that by the time they are at adoption, it is their "plan B or second choice" The feeling she seemed to be expressing was that an adopted child would always be "second best" for these couples and that the adopted child would grow up feeling like they were the "second choice".

I jumped into the discussion we had after the video. Please understand that all of the couples in our class already have biological children and that Jim and I are the only "infertile childless" couple there.
I felt a great need to make sure I shared some of OUR story so that I could "clear the air" about that comment.
I shared that when Jim and I decided we wanted to start a family, part of our discussion at the very beginning was about adoption. We discussed all of our family building options well before we actually knew we had IF issues. Adoption was put on the table at that time as a possibility.
It was always one of our family building options rather than our "fall back plan"
We just chose to go ahead naturally at first. Simple as that.

I would never consider adoption as our "plan B". If God willing we do end up with an adopted child, I will know in my heart that part of the greater plan for us was to build our family THIS way. Our child will be our child 100%, no matter what path we took to build our family.

I believe there is great power in words - power to mislead and hurt as well as to clarify and heal.
That is why I felt a great need to put our point of view out there in class as well as on my blog.
I feel better for having done so!

Not much else going on - heading off to work soon.
Promise to catch up a bit more this weekend. Have a good one and don't forget to watch Saturday's game.

GO CAVS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Could an Infertile get a Cavs win PLEASE?

What can I say Lebron? You did your best but it was not to be. The hurt goes on!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think after watching last nights game I have come to a very important conclusion:
I am a maniac while watching my team - let me give you a few examples ......
My heart rate sky rockets
My blood pressure goes up
All the muscles in my legs and belly tense up to the point I am sore
I have a tendency to swear like a drunken sailor at the TV
I scare the daylights out of the cats while doing said swearing
I hold and squeeze hubbies hand til he yells at me for hurting him
I hide under the covers when we are tied or in "all or nothing" situations

So all in all, I may have to re-think how I watch my games.

Not much else to share this morning other than THIS fabulous picture.....................................


Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Super Sushi Tuesday.....yet again!

Can you believe it's that time again? SUPER SUSHI TUESDAY (echo of Tuesday...)
Super Sushi Tuesday is dedicated to ALL things "Fertility Forbidden"

Leave a comment with one thing for the week that you have given up, quit, cut down on, long for, miss dearly, wish you could have, etc.

This is where I step in for you! Since hubby and I are on the road to adoption and not actively TTC anymore.....I will GLADLY be your "sushi surrogate"
In other words - I will selflessly indulge all your "fertility forbidden fantasies" for you!

Still taking your orders......bring 'em on!

Oh the weekend......
What can I say about the weekend? What can I say about my emotions as of late?

I got to spend some great quality time with hubby on Saturday just toodling around town taking care of errands and such. I do enjoy doing that with him. Finally feeling better physically too!

On the flip side of things however I just had a very tough "being childless/infertile" time this weekend too.

We went down to visit Mom & Dad on Sunday - They had planned an open house of sorts for my nephew, Scotty. They always do this to allow all their friends a chance to meet the new grandchildren. The reason it took so long for them to get around to doing this (Scotty is 7 mths. old) was because of their vacationing over the winter in Florida.

I knew there would be many people in and out of their house visiting but I think I underestimated the amount of people coming who would bring their very young children/babies.
Including my nephews, I believe we actually had around 8 children there. Ages 7mths to 11 yrs old. It seemed all the adults there were either parents or grandparents.

And then there we were - just Uncle Jim and Aunt Jenn.
or daughter Jenn and son-in-law Jim.
or friends, Jenn & Jim
But just not Mom or Dad.
Simply put - It hurt - really really hurt!

I love my nephews with all my heart and would do anything for them.
This was one of those times where despite my feelings and emotions, I just felt it too important to be there for my family. I knew however it would take it's toll on me - and it did!

The positive that came out of the visit was that I got to see my fabulous husband hold my 7mth. old nephew. This was pretty huge as he still seems a bit nervous around infants.
I cannot tell you how much my heart swelled watching him hold Scotty. It was such a beautiful sight to behold. It solidified in my mind the fact that Jim would be a phenomenal daddy.

Hubby did have one very unique and special moment while holding Scotty.
They both were just sitting there kind of chilling out together when Jim looked at me and said, " Um hon....I think something just happened here withe the kid....he just vibrated" - I almost peed my pants laughing so hard! I guess Scotty had a good "tooting" fest going on!

On the trip back home on Sunday, Jim knew I was upset. He is doing his very best to deal with my emotions about the baby thing but I think he just has a hard time understanding where I am coming from. He tried to re-iterate the fact that we are half way through our adoption classes and that we will have a baby soon of our own. I told him that I heard what he was saying but that a part of me didn't believe that and that I wasn't excited - wasn't going to get excited, and I am not. Not excited at all. Here is why.

Despite the fact that we are pursuing adoption, there is a thought and real fear of never having a child. It is in the same place as all the fertility testing, crappy test results, unsuccessful cycles, flushed infertility $$ and BFN preggers tests.

Finer minds would likely tell me that I am trying to protect my heart from more disappointment and heartache. They would tell me that it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel especially after all the disappointment we have endured. It is hard to imagine having a child come into our lives after not having one for so long. ( and yes I am aware many women in the IF community have done this much longer and have been through much more - just sharing MY thoughts)

So in that vain - I continue to disbelieve. And I know that is okay for now - it is just where I am. Neither here nor there. Putting one foot in front of the other just because.
It doesn't mean we stop moving forward or pursuing adoption. It just means I have to work through my emotions in the midst of this process. Easier said than done some days.

On Monday, we had our annual Memorial Day cook-out. This is something my husband has done with our neighbors for many years. Since cook-outs tend NOT to be my thing and I get anxious trying to plan events like this, Hubby offered to take the reigns on this one. He did a really good job.

Unfortunately we ended up having several unplanned and uninvited guests which just about put me over the edge in terms of anxiety. We really had to scrape around in the house to find extra paper plates and such. To add insult to injury, one of the uninvited guests brought her 5 children with her. I believe all under the age of 8. Had it not been for a very good friend of mine who showed up, I would have completely lost it. I was just NOT in good place to begin with and then to have to contend with all those children just did me in.

So sum up my emotional state for the last two days...I would say I am in the pooper!
I have been irritable, sad, depressed, and pissy. The mix of negative emotions where you know you are miserable, know you are miserable to be around and just don't give a crap!
Fun eh?

If you are still reading...and I won't be hurt if you are not......Thanks and thats that!

GO CAVS!!!!! Gotta beat ORLANDO!!!


Saturday, May 23, 2009

Show & Tell - In a three part show!!!

Saturday Saturday SATURDAY!! It's your favorite day of the week folks - time to gather all your really important stuff or even not so important stuff and show it off to the class!!!
Don't forget to head on over to Mel's Blog @ Stirrup Queens and check out what the rest of the class is showing - It is SOOO worth the trip!!!

Decided to do today's post in three parts - mostly because I can but also because I figure it's likely you will like at least one of the parts!!! That's the intent at least.

Enough rambling and on to the good stuff!

Show & Tell Item number one:
This is a collection of the "farmer's market" that showed up work this week. Now I know my co-workers and I are all making a concerted effort to make healthy lifestyle changes but SERIOUSLY?????
Especially after the "healthy food debacle AKA killer fruit salad" - I am beginning to think someone is out to get my job!!!
WTF??? celery??? REALLY!!!
P.S. In the upper right corner of the pic you will see my "IN BOX" - For the record and those who need reading glasses it says......"JB The Magnificent" I always liked that box!

Show & Tell Item number two:

Yep that is Zoey - who has gained like three times her original weight.
And Yep - she is totally eating off my plate
If you are not an animal person and this grosses you out - then tough titties! I let ALL my animals eat off my plate - deal with it. Being an infertile, they are MY babies and I treat them as such.
And finally YES, that is chicken alfredo which she apparently LOVES! That's my girl!!!
Gotta love a fur baby who is a total carb whore like her mama!!!

Finally Show & Tell Item number three (the most important item of all)

By far the most exciting, amazing and breath-holding end to a game you can possibly imagine!

Here is a re-cap of about the last 20 seconds of the Cavs VS Magic game last night....Even if you aren't much into sports, missed it or hadn't heard....IT IS TOTALLY WORTH WATCHING!!!!

Gotta love it folks!


Thursday, May 21, 2009

Before and After...

I am sad....very very sad! Though they tried incredibly CAVS lost their first game against Orlando in the Semi-finals last night. BooHoo!!! (insert dramatic tears here)

Since the game was a real nail-biter right up to the very end (was squeezing the life out of hubbies hand) it took a great deal of relaxation and soothing to finally get myself to sleep.

Let's hope they do better next time - shall we??

A brief update on my physical state of being since I promised:
It seems last Friday, I had a flair of Diverticulitis . Although it was unexpected, sucked in terms of the pain and was really really bad timing, it is easily treatable.

Now I DO however have to share the circumstances of how this whole episode went down for I believe it proves one of my underlying fundamental beliefs -

Since I have recently been making a distinct effort to take better care of my body ,
a few of my co-workers have jumped on the band wagon with me. We all have been bringing in healthier food items to snack on.

Now Friday morning I go trotting off to work and start my normal daily laundry list of tasks.
My one co-worker Jenny had told us she was bringing in fresh fruit salad for us to snack on.
In she comes with this lovely bowl full of fresh strawberries and pineapple all cut up for us.
It looked (and tasted) delicious!

Fast forward to an hour or so later - I am doubled over in pain, sweating and nauseated.

The long and short of the story is that ingesting the seeds that strawberries have (which are apparently NOTORIOUS diverticulitis No No's) just set off this really bad reaction in my bowel.

I really need to make a very clear point here -
Had I been eating a Twinkie or Hershey bar (mmmmmm- that sounds so good right now)
I would NOT have had one problem. Those suckers would have gone right through me.

I have maintained this belief for a long time and now have the proof - SO THERE!!!

She has recently learned how to take flying leaps into the bathtub -this generally take place while you are sitting on the toilet trying to do your business. FUN FUN FUN!!!
She is also eating everything in site - including Babycat's food as well as ours. It is a real throw-down on Sushi Tuesday's - let me tell you!

Since I am on short time schedule this morning - I am going to have to do my gratitude list early here. Please forgive me.

getting to hold Jim's hand during the Cav's games
finding Zoey and Baby asleep together on our bed
the incredible sunshine and 80 degree weather we are having
co-workers who bring me chocolate after bringing me "killer fruit salad"
a pretty wonderful mom (yep - I am blessed!)


Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Super Sushi Tuesday.....

Can you believe it's that time again? SUPER SUSHI TUESDAY (echo of tuesday...)
Super Sushi Tuesday is dedicated to ALL things "Fertility Forbidden"

Leave a comment with one thing for the week that you have given up, quit, cut down on, long for, miss dearly, wish you could have, etc.

This is where I step in for you! Since hubby and I are on the road to adoption and not actively TTC anymore.....I will GLADLY be your "sushi surrogate"
In other words - I will selflessly indulge all your "fertility forbidden fantasies" for you!

And just for the record this week - Chocolate is going to be HIGHLY encouraged since AF flew into town yesterday. White chocolate in particular - mmmmmmm!!! I am sure you understand!

Last night, Hubby and I did our Monday evening dash to get to our adoption class on time.
It was a good class which covered the topic of discipline in the foster/adoption system.
Got an enormous amount of excellent information out of this class. Jim actually seemed into it as well. I feel really lucky to have the trainer that we have for these classes - she is very easy-going, funny, full of information and quite interactive. I would definitely pursue additional training if I knew she was going to be teaching.

As for me...
Physically - I am holding up - that's the best I can do for now.
I am headed off to see the surgeon again today for a follow-up appt. - hopefully we can work out the problems I have been having as of late. (still not up to going into it - promise to update ya soon) I am sure things will be fine eventually - just gotta get there.
AF decided to make an early appearance YET AGAIN this month and in doing so completely kicked my ass with cramps, bloating and fatigue. Yeah - I am a site to behold, TRULY!

Mentally - I am managing - I know my moods are still a bit on the volatile side right now but I have no way of distinguishing my current AF-related insanity from my recent state of moodiness. Only time will tell. Just doing a lot of keeping my mouth shut for fear of unleashing
my inner lunatic. ( I am sure some of you have met her and probably even know her well)
Keeping her under wraps is a true feat in and of itself! TRUST!!!

Spiritually - I am still trying to work things out with God right now. I am doing lots of talking to God - not necessarily listening. It just seems as though I have a lot of stuff I need to get off my chest to the big guy/gal. I think once I get all that crap out there, I will be able to sit back and listen. At least that's the plan for now.
I am also trying hard to do a bit more praying for others. Trying to get the focus off me.
Will just have to keep trying!

Just cuz I feel like it -

We are one quarter of the way through adoption classes
Being woken up by a purring, nostril-licking kitten
The two new beautiful flowering plants hanging from our porch which are actually growing
Babycat and Zoey actually playing together
Boobs being where they are supposed to be as a result of NEW BRAS


Monday, May 18, 2009

Just another manic monday.........

I cannot believe I was actually able to take this picture with my cell phone - not too bad eh?

This is Zoey's new spot to sleep - she has this thing for my neck.
She just crawls right up to one side or the other, starts licking me and then passes out. As she gets into a deep sleep she really stretches out and I in turn end up looking like a poster child for the PRO-FUR industry. It's cute but makes for a tough time when trying to reposition.
On the plus side of things, she does tend to hide my double chin! (BONUS!!!)

She has developed one new habit which I have to say is truly something to behold.
I am outing her here - Zoey is a closet BOOGER LICKER!
Yep - you heard me right....she has an affinity for licking your boogers.
She will crawl right up to your face, start purring and out comes that little tongue.
She really goes to town if you let her - (we ARE trying to discourage her, I promise)

Not sure what that is all about but somehow I am not entirely surprised that we managed to adopt a cat with some behavior problems. It just fits our family perfectly!

Enough about that-

So after re-reading my Show & Tell post I realized just how disjointed and weird it sounded.

I had so many thoughts running through my brain that obviously came
flooding out in a big plethora of Jenn babble and nonsense.
Certainly not my best writing but oh well - you will have that.

The whole tone of that post was to let you all know how much you mean to me.
How much you really seem to understand and accept me.
Good bad or indifferent

It seems that no matter what emotional state I am in -

You all just accept me - just as I am - nothing more, nothing less.
Even at my very worst - you are able to look past all my shit and just love me.

My family and friends, who all know my M.O. still stick around when I know they want to smack me upside the head. I love them for that.
It still amazes me that my bloggy friends, whom I have never met, willingly offer up their support, understanding and love as freely as they do.
It is tough to put into words how grateful I am for that.

But I am grateful - very very grateful and blessed!

I hope that clears that up a bit - At least I feel better now for having clarified.

So in the vain of trying to be in the moment more, I am going back to my daily gratitude list.

Gonna try and have a theme - to make it more interesting:

walking barefoot on new spring grass
having Zoey laying across my neck purring away
Polar pop
waking up Sunday mornings and being a goofball in bed with hubby
bloggy friends whose blogs are as messed up as mine


Sunday, May 17, 2009

Show and Tell - True colors.........

Can you believe it's that time again (actually a day late even but hey whose counting)
Time for SHOW & TELL a la MEL at Stirrup Queens....Stop on over and check out what the rest of the class is showing!!!!

Hang in there with my long ass story - I promise that S & T will follow but I have to set it up first! Patience Patience!!!

It's been a bit of a crazy week which I really don't have the energy to go into - suffice to say my body is NOT cooperating with me at all. It has definitely been sucky at worst and annoying at best. It is nothing new but alas it somehow manged to smack me in the ass when I wasn't expecting it. I really hate that. I also hate having friends and family worry about me.
I know I can't do a damn thing about that but it still makes me crazy!
I always seem to feel that there are SOOO many others out there with much more on their plate- I feel THOSE are the people that the worry should go to.

Again - not in my control - I know, I know!

What all this aggravation HAS managed to make me do is stop - step back and take a good look at where I am and what I am doing.

I had to look at my my whole self - body, mind and soul!

I realized I have been in a place of " all or nothingness"
A place of " emotional highs or lows"
Being " hopeful/faithful or desperate/hopelessness"
A place of " physical wellness or significant illness"

and have not been ANYWHERE in between for quite some time now.
I really think I had completely forgotten how to be in that "middle ground" - that "prayerful place" - that place of " physical wellness" - that place of "quiet serenity" etc.

Maybe it's a combination of things:
my medical issues and my aging body
learning how to build a successful marriage
trying to conceive and our infertility journey
letting go of where I "thought" I would be at 38, etc.

Whatever the cause - I realized that I wasn't listening to the messages life was sending me.

Here I think that God has been trying for QUITE some time now to get me to slow down.
To enjoy life - one thing at a time, one day at a time - quietly, gently, serenely.
To pay attention to ALL of me - body, mind AND spirit.
Take care of each of these parts EVERYDAY!

I just have not been listening. I have gotten caught up in my old "black and white" thinking.

In the midst of all this - I realized something wonderful.

I realized that in all my craziness, and utter extremes, I am not only loved but understood.

You all get me - you really really do - It's amazing to me really!!!

So brings me to my Show & Tell for this week:
I was flipping through the channels on the TV this morning and came across the show
Private Sessions on A & E - They were doing a show on the artist, Cyndi Lauper.

They talked with her about her life, career and plans for the future. They also showed her performing some of her old and newer songs.

One of the songs she performed was "True Colors" which happens to be a favorite of mine.

It made me think of you all - my family, IRL friends, Bloggy friends, etc
It made me remember - You all get me - You really really do!
Thank you for that!


Friday, May 15, 2009

Zoey has a boyfriend!

Nope that is NOT Zoey......Everyone I would like to introduce you to DARTH!!!!!

My good buddy, BEAUTIFUL MESS over at Life Induces thoughts, mostly random sent this pic of her BIL's new kitten, DARTH. She had been telling me that every time she saw a Zoey pic that she thought about DARTH and how they really looked like one another. I told her to send me a pic so we could hook them up and ....voila.......DARTH!!!

Now when I showed Zoey the pic, she just looked at the screen, bit my hand and took off. Not entirely sure what that means BUT I am going to go with the thought that she was SOOOOO blown away by his handsomeness that she JUST couldn't stand to look anymore.

I have now decided that they are going to long-distance date (casually for awhile as they are both pretty young) and see where things go.

Gotta love it! Now if I were more handy with my picture editing program I would TOTALLY crop pics of DARTH and ZOEY together with some lame ass heart sentiment printed up top just because I am like that. Wouldn't that just be so darn cute???? (you can roll your eyes - I am!)

Sorry for lack of posts however I have had little to say.....(who woulda thunk?)

Finished up yet another adoption class last night - it was SOOO incredibly depressing.
Topic was all about attachment and separation in Foster/Adoption/Kinship care.
The video we watched was from the prospective of a Foster child talking to a Foster parent about their feelings. It was very honest, raw, and heart-wrenching at times.
Most of the females in the room got teary eyed - including me.
I am glad we got this information but boy oh boy was it ever hard to take in!

(Zoey is biting my foot as I am writing - OUCH!!!!!!! - OyVey!!)

Still been trying to keep up my commitment to myself to exercise in some way or another as often as possible. So far so good - yesterday was the only day I have skipped since Sunday and that was only because I worked all day and had class last night. Figure I can hop back on the bandwagon again tonight after work.

Been feeling pretty emotional as of late.

I think I am really beginning to mourn the loss of not TTC anymore. The process of going through these adoption classes must have opened up that wound which I thought had healed up a bit. I am not surprised but am rather caught off guard.
I have been emotionally all over the place - okay one minute, easily irritated the next and in tears over small things too. I hate it! I have spent most of my life trying so hard to get a handle on my emotions and had finally felt like I had gotten to an even keel.

To be knocked off balance again with this emotional upheaval has been tough.

Hubby is literally going banana's trying to do his best to understand but I am afraid he is coming from such a different emotional place - I don't think he truly gets it.
Not his fault - it's just hard for him to process it.

In any case - I am surviving - that's the best I can do for today.

Gotta move as I am heading off to work!
Will catch up soon!


Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Super Sushi Tuesday.....

Can you believe it's that time again? SUPER SUSHI TUESDAY (echo of tuesday...)

Once again - Super Sushi Tuesday is dedicated to ALL things "Fertility Forbidden"

For I am writing this post, I am sipping away at my favorite hot beverage - my Dunkin Donuts coffee (which by the way -really IS better than Starbucks!)

Please leave a comment with all the things you have given up, quit, cut down on, long for, miss dearly, wish you could have, etc.

This is where I step in for you! Since hubby and I are on the road to adoption and not actively TTC anymore.....I will GLADLY be your "sushi surrogate"

In other words - I will selflessly indulge all your "fertility forbidden fantasies" for you!

It's just the kind of gal I am - wink, wink, nudge nudge!

In other news:

We WON!!!! Hell yeah we did!!!! It was a sweep!!!
Gotta gear up for the next round- WE CAN DO IT!!!

Let me try and paint you all a picture of what basically transpired last night:
(let me also qualify this by saying I am NOT entirely proud of this)

Hubby and I did our speed-eating of dinner and rushing out of the house in order to get to Adoption Pre-service class on time.
Realized in the car that the Cavs game started an hour earlier than usual - SHIT SHIT SHIT!
Frantically tried to decide who to text about said game.
Sent off urgent messages to a couple of friends begging for text score updates during class.
Thank you KIM and JENNY for getting roped in!!! YOU ROCK!!!
Attempted several undercover text reads during class...done on the down low so as not to piss off our trainer (already been chastised once for a purse incident!)
Finished up class - literally raced out to the car, fumbled with radio dial and found game.
Listened on way home - dashed into house and flopped into recliner to watch the CAVS totally sweep this part of the series! LOVE IT!

Now this morning looking back on that run of events I had several thoughts:
1. My ability to multi-task is amazing
2. That reading text messages in adoption class is probably equivalent to passing notes in school
3. That I used to get in trouble for passing notes all the time in school.
4. That some habits are just HARD to break - adult or not!
5. The Cleveland Cavaliers ROCK!

Just for the record:
I did listen, participate and take in the information we discussed at class last night. It was all about abuse/neglect and the effects it has on children.
Sobering information to say the least.

Not much on the agenda today - will probably try to catch up on some sleep as it seems my good friend INSOMNIA has decided to come for a visit.

Will also be heading out for another healthy walk which by the way has done my mind a world of good. I forgot just how much it truly helps me to put on my headphones and walk.
It is "ME TIME" - My mind and body get into their own little zone.

I am aiming to try and walk daily although I am not going to go bananas if I miss a day.
I figure start off slow and see where it leads.
Sunday I walked 25 min. Monday I walked 30 min. So far so good!
We shall see..................


Monday, May 11, 2009

Monday Monday Mondayyyyyyyyy!!!

Yep...I just LOVE that pic - aren't they adorable? They took the cutest afternoon snooze
together yesterday. She is really a cuddler!

Survived yesterday - got a few wonderful phone calls, text messages and emails from good friends.....You all KNOW who you are and I just want to say THANK YOU for remembering me too!!! It meant a lot to me!!!

Hubby and I decided to go visit my mom and dad on Saturday - thus alleviating the scheduling headaches of trying to get the whole family together on Mother's day.

Now ever since we brought our new fur baby home, my mom & dad have only seen pictures of her. They have not met our "monster" in all her furry glory! We wanted our little Zoey
to meet her new "Grammy and Pappy"
We decided to take a chance and bring her with us when we visited.

We did have some major trepidation about taking her with us on this car trip that takes well over an hour. We were worried about her crying the whole way if she was in her carrier or roaming the car like a mad woman if we gave her freedom.

We were truly amazed and pleasantly surprised......she did a bit of roaming around the car for about 10 minutes and then just climbed up behind my neck and fell asleep. Traveled the whole way to grammy & pappy's sound asleep like that. Too cute!

It worked out perfectly that mom was finishing getting ready upstairs when we arrived.
I took Zoey in and had my back to Mom when she came into the kitchen .

As soon as I turned around and mom saw that I was holding Zoey (which took a few seconds due to the fact that I was wearing a black shirt and Zoey kinda blended in)
Mom was totally sucked right in to the cuteness that is Zoey!!!

Mom and Dad got to spend the afternoon loving up their grandkitten ( and Us too)
while hubby and I made mom dinner. It was truly a wonderful day in my opinion!

Here are a few pics of Zoey with her Grammy and Pappy........
She really settled right in wouldn't you say???????????

Not much on the agenda today - ebay, shipping, etc.

Gonna make myself take another good healthy walk today - started up again yesterday.
Hoping that will help my body as well as my mind!! It always seems to quiet me down!

Have to get dinner ready early because of adoption class tonight - Hubby walks in around 5pm
and we have to be out the door around 5:20pm in order to get there on time.
It's an eat and run situation - which normally aggravates me however we only have to do this
though mid June. We will manage.

Not much else to share.....

Sending all my ALI and IF friends special HUGS AND SMOOCHES!!!
Sending the rest of you all - TICKLES and LAUGHTER!!! (maybe a rogue hug too!)


Saturday, May 9, 2009

Show & Tell - Short and Sweet

It's Saturday and that time again.....don't forget to head on over to STIRRUP QUEENS
to check out what the rest of the class is showing!!!

This will be a short and sweet update of the last few days followed by S & T:

Wednesday- all good - Cats torturing one another.

Thursday- work all good - long day - went to adoption pre-service class-class was great
but not feeling great while there - get home - much pain/blood in urine -
ER visit shows kidney stone - home around 1:45am

Friday- much of wee morning hours alternating between attempts at sleep and repositioning.
Late morning drinking fluids like a maniac - early afternoon, pass what feels like enormous
kidney stone - pain ceases - EXHAUSTED! Catch up on sleep all day.

Saturday-drinking DD coffee and getting set to head down to Mom and Dads to celebrate
Mother's day a bit early for scheduling reasons. Posting S & T pics.

FYI: I will NOT be posting tomorrow on Mother's Day - emotionally just too tough.
Having a tough time with this weekend to begin with for obvious reasons.
Wish being a Fur mama were enough but it's just not.
Just letting ya'll know!

Pics for S & T:
Yep you guessed it .....more kitten/cat pics (you'll just have to deal with it!)

The tale of Zoey kitten goes on - she and Baby cat have an interesting relationship
at this point.
I would not say they care for one another or even call it affection.
I would more likely call it a good old fashioned "brother/lil sister" relationship.

Zoey gets into one of her "I have to run around like a freakin' maniac modes" and in the
process decided she has to completely torture Baby in the process.
They spend most of the day chasing one another back and forth in the living room all the while
batting, hissing and meowing at one another.

Here are the two of them:
pic one: prior to Baby whomping Zoey
pic two: moments after said whomp and Zoey falling to the floor

After many long days of watching above activities, I quietly pondered to myself
ways in which I could torture the cats back - and then POOF!!! The perfect thought came!!!

This trick would only work on Zoey due to her size:

Yes - I coerced hubby into participating in my evil plan - ( I am terrible I know!)


Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Need some special prayers folks........

This is a simple post asking for everyone out there to say a few extra prayers for one of my
blogger friends today.

Kate at I Can't Whistle has just suffered a loss after a very long and hard TTC road.
She needs all the love, support and prayers she can get.

Please stop by and send her some love!!


Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Sushi Tuesdays.....ooohhh a new game!!!!!

Now that is MYYYYYYYY kind of Sushi!!!!! Couldn't help myself with that pic!

So boys and's that time again........


The one day of the week I get to treat myself to Ku's yummy sushi
and be completely self-indulgent in the process!!!

Now I have been doing this ritual for about as long as my little local Sushi palace
(The Coconut Hut ) has been open. I found out that Tuesday happened to be the day of the
week after he got in all his fresh fish AND was the day it was buy one get one free.
(Always a bargain hunter - I am!!!)

Now when Jim and I made the decision to start TTC, I did what many neurotic, obsessive and emotional women do.....I started reading and googling fertility info!!!

Some of said info was amazingly useful - some of said info was just helpful and the rest of said info was outright bullpuckey.

One of the things I kept reading about however was that eating Sushi/Sashimi during the two week wait was a BAD BAD thing. Let me add that when I refer to Sushi - I am using the very broad term and truly mean Sashimi or the raw fish. (Don't want to piss off any hard core sushi eaters out there!)

I was totally bummed the day I found that out HOWEVER my longing for a baby was strong and my determination was stronger so my sushi consumption was limited to only the first half of my cycles before ovulation, thus protecting any future embryos growing in my belly.

Now I have to tell you that after about 6 months, and all the subsequent BFN's, I decided to head into google land again to re-evaluate this whole subject.

After much research and deliberation, I felt comfortable enough to resume eating my weekly sushi. I did try and stay away from the truly raw stuff but when I did consume it, kept it to a minimum. Along with throwing this caution to the wind, I also resumed having my daily morning cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee as well which had been banished around the same time.

This was a very happy moment......throwing caution to the wind and just enjoying these two
"forbidden fertility" things.

I have not gotten my BFP and time has gone on. Since we are no longer actively TTC and pursuing adoption, I am trying to enjoy all the little things in my life.

So I continue to do SUSHI TUESDAY and still drink my coffee every morning like clockwork.
In the spirit of reaching out to all my new bloggy friends, I am dedicating my "sushi-eating, coffee drinking Tuesdays" to you! That way no matter where you are in your TTC path and no matter where you are in your current cycle - just know I will be happy to be your designated
"forbidden fertility" friend!!!!

I will be making my TUESDAY posts dedicated to all things "fertility forbidden"

I am naming it "SUSHI TUESDAYS" because of my own experience
(and because it's my blog)
But I am sure you all get the idea.
Feel free to chime in with your experiences, thoughts, quirks, habits, etc
regarding things you have given up, changed, believed or done in the midst each of your cycles.
If I can help - I will!!! HEHEHEHE!!!

Last night was our first adoption/foster pre-service training class.
It went really well and I felt much better after having gone.
Still feeling slightly ambivalent about whether we should be using the county system or using a private agency however either way, we still need the pre-service training & homestudy.
I am doing a lot of praying and just turning this over to God in hopes that we are headed down the right path. I am sure time will tell.
It feels good to actually be started on this process. I have a good friend who works in IT who is going to help me put up our adoption webpage soon. I am hoping and praying that between that, my blog, and putting the word out, that we will find a birthmother looking to place her child.

On a completely weird and slightly ironic side note, at the training last night we took a break half way through the evening. The facilitators had provided cookies and coffee for all the attendees.
I, of course made my way over to the cookie table during break and about fell over in a fit of uncontrollable giggles..........................

Here is what the cookies looked like.....................
Can you freakin' believe it??????? Monkey cookies.....I LOVE IT!!!!!
Me being a lover of all things - MONKEY!!!

I told hubby it HAD to be a sign!!!! Hopefully a good sign!

Anyhoo - that's the scoop for today
Can't wait to hear all about your forbidden favorites!!!


Monday, May 4, 2009

Many leaps of faith.........

Pic courtesy of The Laughing Volcano

This is a week of new starts
A week of beginnings
A week of a new direction

Our family building journey has been punctuated by several leaps of faith.....
The leap from conscience abstinence and protection to trying to conceive (TTC)
The leap from passively TTC to charting/temping/opk/monitor assisted TTC
The leap from charting/temping/opk/monitor assisted TTC to going to the OB/GYN
The leap from seeing the OB/GYN to doing monitored fertility meds W/ the OB/GYN
The leap from the failed OB/GYN cycles to going to see the Fertility doc (RE)
The leap from having the RE consult to getting the whole fertility workup done
The leap from the fertility workup done to doing some oral fertility med + IUI cycles
The leap from failed oral fertility med+IUI cycles to injectable med+IUI cycles
The leap from the failed injectable med+IUI cycle to more fertility workup
The leap from the followup workup to looking at our options - A.K.A - IVF w/ICSI
The leap from considering IVF w/ICSI to looking at adoption
The leap from looking into adoption to making some calls and getting some info
The leap from getting the info to processing it.

and here is the big one.....

The leap from letting go of the fertility stuff and moving on to the adoption process.

Tonight we start our foster/adoption classes.

Pretty big stuff eh?

So much stuff emotion is swirling around in my head today.
Wondering to myself if it's okay to feel a bit ambivalent about this.
Thinking I must be a bit "off" to be feeling sad AND excited at the same time
Questioning if this is the "right" route to be taking for our adoption process.
Second-guessing myself - SHIT.....this is really hard.

I want to be so much more happy, excited, and anxious about starting today.
I am just NOT.
Is that weird? I really don't know.
Does that mean I don't really want to do this?
Does it mean my heart is not truly in it?

I am probably over-thinking this.....YES....that's it!!
Too much thought.....too much time in my head.
Being in my head = A very scary fucked-up place

Okay.....back to new beginnings....

Deep breath.....
Grabbing hubby's hand......
Taking that HUGE leap of faith....TOGETHER!

Praying that we will both land on our feet.......and holding the hand of our child.


Saturday, May 2, 2009

Show & Tell - Revisiting our honeymoon!!!

It's that time again folks.........Saturday.........time for SHOW & TELL a la MEL

Don't forget to pop on over to STIRRUP QUEENS to check out what all the other kids
are showing (totally worth won't be disappointed!!!)))

Not much excitement going on today....spent the morning with hubby lumping in our
respective recliner chairs.

Our two fur babies spent the morning torturing each other by playing "King of the couch"
Don't believe I can call a winner as they both got in some great wallops along the way.

As hubby and I were sitting there, watching and laughing at the kitties....I had a quiet moment of clarity. It was not a huge thunderbolt or massive epiphany.
It was one of those soft and simple moments where a great thought comes to you.

For me it was the thought that I need to continue to live fully and completely
even without a child!

I feel like I kind of stalled my life for a while....waiting, hoping, praying.
I have a pretty great life as it is.
I have an incredible husband, wonderful home, adorable fur babies, fantastic job,
great friends, amazing family...etc. etc. etc.
Have I been enjoying it? Have I been experiencing it?
Not like I should have!!!!

So in that vain......I made a decision to start today.
Not a huge decision....but a decision nonetheless!!!!

Thus bringing us to..........

I finally did it.........I went upstairs....into the depths of my closet and pulled out the
ever sacred white and red bag that has been hanging in there ever since our
honeymoon in Atlantic City.

I brought that bad boy downstairs and opened it.
Took out the elegant tissue-wrapped prize inside.
Gently tore open the sticker on the tissue and unwrapped my special prize!!
The prize that I had been saving for that "special event" or that "perfect moment"

OHHHHH - it is truly even MORE beautiful than I remember!!!!!
The new leather and suede smelled amazing!
The size and shape seemed to have been made JUST for me.
The new gold zippers and snaps gleamed brightly at me as if to say....
"you did the right thing by breaking me out of the closet!"

Here for your viewing pleasure ladies and gentlemen........I PRESENT......


Isn't it pretty? I think so!! I remember falling in love with the patchwork design.
I distinctly remember the moment hubby smiled at me as he slid it off my shoulder and
lovingly took it up to the sales counter to have it rung up.
What a man!!!
Makes me laugh AND buys me Coach!!! Doesn't get much better than that!

I truly do love him and feel am beyond blessed to have him in my life!

So there you have it folks....not only did I break her out of hiding......but I actually cleaned out
the old Coach purse and loaded up the new one!

Even took her for a spin while shopping this morning.
What a great feeling having her hanging off my shoulder.
THANKS BEAR - I love ya!

And just because I am a Tried and True FUR MAMA..........

The latest update on Zoey is that she is now 1lb. 11oz. - almost doubled her weight
in two weeks. Had to do some googling to make sure that was within normal range.
(it is by the way - whew!!!) Thought we might be having to do weight watchers with her!!!!

Here is a pic of Zoey getting into the OLD COACH PURSE......

I Plan on enjoying that purse to it's fullest! Hopefully every time I look at it, I will try and
remember to keep living my life. Whether I have a child or not. I don't want life to pass me
by. I don't want to miss all the good stuff out there.

Hopefully I will be carrying that purse the day we go to pick up our own child BUT in the meantime......I will look DAMN good carrying it either way!!!!