Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Have I mentioned that I HATE roller coasters?

Emotional roller coasters that is.

After many failed attempts at trying to find an appropriate graph pic on google to describe the emotional ride I have been on, I gave up and took out a marker and paper.

Exhibit A: Above graph pictorial (fairly lame and highly generic)
Twas the best I could do.

So yesterday and today are not my best days.

Had grand plans of heading into Akron yesterday to spend the afternoon with my friend and mom . We were going to get some REAL chinese for a change as opposed to the "Americanized" crap we have up here in Geneva.

Making a long story short -Spent most of Sunday night and monday morning in the bathroom.
It's truly amazing how a bad case of the stomach flu can take so much energy out of you.
Needless to say I have not been out of the house for more than 10 minutes for fear of not being close enough to a potty.

Aunt Flo was in town this weekend which is normally enough in and of itself to send my fairly stable moods into spastic overdrive!!

The kicker with her arrival THIS cycle was that she was about 3-4 days early which would not be a big deal normally except that this is the second cycle that has shortened lately.
In other words, the second half of my cycle - called the luteal phase which is supposed to stay the same, has gotten shorter.
I have always been between 12-13 days long which is considered normal in the TTC world.
Suddenly I have had a cycle with a luteal phase of 11 days and then 9 days this cycle.

Let me try to explain why this might be bothersome:
A shortening luteal phase combined with my advanced maternal age of 38 and my FSH/estrogen ratio can mean that I am entering into a lovely thing called peri-menopause.
That period of time when your body starts sending out all things "halt" to your reproductive organs. It's sort of like a company spending a few months gearing up for lay-offs.
It's uncomfortable and sucks but gives everyone some time to "accept" the inevitable.
So that is where I think I am....... Let's call it "PERI-MENOPAUSE LIMBO"
No way to know for sure however it's a hunch I have.
It is pretty disheartening to think that I might be headed in that direction and am still childless.
It is hard to explain how I can be upset or sad even though we aren't trying anymore.
The idea of my body starting to officially shut down my ovaries just breaks my heart.
Even though we are not TTC
Even though we really had little chance of success on our own
Even though we are pursing adoption

Hubby has been trying avidly to understand and be supportive but I know he doesn't completely get how I can be sad about losing my fertility if we are going to adopt. In his mind, it probably makes no sense whatsoever! It's so tough to try and explain to men.

So that is where I am at.......
Emotionally labile and in fertility limbo I guess.

Even trying to focus on the positive things has been half-assed at best.

Loving up my fur-ball Zoey has been a mixed bag - She is adorable and I love her to death but the longing for a child or our own becomes amazingly strong the more time I spend with her.

Guess the idea of getting a fur-baby to appease my baby-longing did not quite work out the way that we had intended. Oh well......we got a cutie either way!

I guess the other thing that has been really hard to deal with lately is that so many of my TTC buddies online have recently gotten their surprise BFP's.
On the one hand, I am so incredibly happy and thrilled for these ladies as they have all truly battled to get preggers.
On the other hand, It is so very hard to feel left behind.

It's like being the kid at the back of the class who is the last one to be picked for teams EXCEPT that the bell rings before you can even get picked last. It's over before you even get the chance to start.

Feel like I am blathering on today.....obviously not a particularly upbeat or positive post but
at least it's honest. Best I can do for today.



Jill said...

I'm in Akron... where is this real chinese food you speak of?

Good luck with your journey!


Jill said...

I'm in Akron... where is this real chinese food you speak of?

Good luck with your journey!


Scrambled Egg said...

Hugs. That's all I can say. Hang in there. You're right, it's quite the roller coaster ride.

Beautiful Mess said...

Hey I can use that graph to describe my emotions as of late. I'm sharing my chocolate with you. Nobody EVER expects you to be upbeat ALL the time, we want honesty. I'm sorry your having a rough few days, physically and emotionally. I'm sending you a hug and thinking about you!

Anonymous said...

I right there with you! I usually have 32 day cycles; the past two months I've had 29 day cycles. And I'm two years older than you.

Hopefully this will pass for both of us.
*Big Giant Hug*