Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Just waiting on the Wicked Witch...


Today is Tuesday.......just sitting in my recliner thinking.

I did get to go out yesterday with mom - she made the trip up here to spend some time with me.
I dragged her out to a retail store called "Cato's" which she had never been to.
She literally had "the BEST shopping experience" of her life!!! It was pretty awesome to behold.
Everything she tried on seemed to fit great AND was on clearance as well!
BOOO-YA!!!!
It was pretty cool to just act as her private shopper!!!!
It was also great to just be able to catch up and "girl chat" - she is truly great for that!!!
THANKS MOM!

As for me....
I Am definitely in a PMS, Baby-Envy, Disgusted Infertile, sick-of-being-in-the house, sort of a mood!
Yea for me!

Pretty sure most of this is hormone-induced as Aunt Flo should be riding in to town by the end of this week. Nothing like my body to send me into a flurry of infertility self-loathing!!!

Add in the requisite "newly preggers with a small baby bump" teenage waitress at lunch yesterday to add to my overall crappy and pitiful mood.

Did some more serious talking with hubby this weekend about the adoption thing.
I think that added to the intense longing I am feeling as well.

On the adoption front, I think we are at least going to try and get some solid beginners information.
There are truly so many laws, questions, situations, and concerns that I need to have explained before we can even begin to head down this road.!

I was catching up on some of my blog reading yesterday when I happened upon the greatest post from EVE at INFERTILITY ROCKS.
Her post....."It's not that easy being green" spoke to my heart yesterday.
One of the most poignant things that touched me was the following.......................
She is talking about people saying....."motherhood is the hardest job in the world"
A few lines down she says the following............

"As someone who’s done other extremely stressful, unrewarding and undesirable jobs, motherhood is a piece of cake."
"NOT being a mother when you want to is infinitely harder than being one."


That hit me like a ton of bricks....it also made me break down into a sniveling, snotty, tearful,
pathetic mess upon reading it!

This is why I blog and read others Infertility blogs.....it never ceases to amaze me how when I am feeling my shittiest, that I happen to come across my exact feelings put into words by some wonderful woman out there. THANK GOD!!!

EVE....Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!

I do get to head back to work as of next week Wednesday which I guess is something....WooHoo!
I think getting out of the house and back to world of city government will do me good.

Not much else going on...and honestly I am tired, bloated and sick of complaining for now!
Until next time!

MOOD REPORT:

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Show & Tell - March 29, 2009



Here we are again....time for everyone's favorite past time....
SHOW AND TELL a la MEL


Want to see what the rest of class is showing?
Pop on over to STIRRUP QUEENS - you won't be disappointed - I PROMISE!!!

I always manage to forget that Show & Tell starts on Saturday night....and since I posted twice yesterday I felt that waiting til this morning would be the best choice all around.

Hubby and I decided to take an unplanned car trip yesterday as I was getting amazingly antsy from having been holed up in the house so much lately.

We got some lunch, looked at a house that is being auctioned in our area (just cuz) and then decided to head over to our local Big Lots Store to see what goodies they had.

Jim and I wandered into the home & garden section of Big Lots and were immediately in heaven.
They have a huge display of Tiki Hut/ bar & grille type stuff out.
Now over the last year or two - Jim and I spent an enormous amount of time on sprucing up our teeny tiny back yard into what I think is an adorable picnic area.
We added a great picnic table, several tiki torches, a great fire bowl, etc and all in all I think it came out great. We have had many a late night fire with friends and family just shmoozing the night away.

Back to the point of all this rambling.....As I rounded one of the corners to head down an aisle, my eyes quickly and excitedly noticed this sign for sale..............I knew it would be mine!!!

OH YES FOLKS..... My very own "Monkey Bar and Grill" sign to put in the backyard.
This would be the PERFECT finishing touch to our mini paradise!
Much to my surprise and great happiness...Jim wholeheartedly agreed!

For those of you who don't know.....
Ever since my first Christmas/Hannukah with Jim, I have come to love
ALL THINGS MONKEY.

The story behind my "monkey love" revolves around a certain monkey nightgown that hubby purchased as one of my first holiday gifts. He swears it was the "only" nightgown he could find! The nightgown had a sewn on monkey head right over the "boobala" area. To add to the charm of this nightgown, the monkey's mouth zippered open/shut as well. It was and is something to behold........TRULY!!!!! (almost have to be there I guess)

And before you all go begging & pleading for me to do a SHOW & TELL of said Monkey Nightgown....I think that I want to keep that wonderful gift something just between Jim and I.
I think that would be best....................TRUST ME ON THIS!!!!!

So there you have it.......A great start to our spring/summer season....what could be better than
MONKEY?

MOOD REPORT:



Saturday, March 28, 2009

Second post Saturday....


Just had to add a small update on this fair Saturday afternoon.....

If you check out my sidebar on the blog you will see I did some adding and tweaking!

My newest little addition is my comment box.....where all of you fine folks are free to leave me messages (nice please) at any given moment.

How cool is that?
Pretty cool to this old "technically challenged newbie blogger"

So if you DO happen to stop by and do some reading........................................................
PLEASE PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE ....say hello - I would love to hear from you!

Something to do about nothing!

So there you have it....a whole lot of nothing to say about something or something to say about a whole lot of nothing! You pick!

I tried with all my might yesterday to come up with some decent topic to diligently blog about.

I was unsuccessful.

I would have a momentary fleeting thought and then "POOF"...it was gone.

Kind of sad when you really think about it....Here I know there a literally dozens of people
just hanging on my every word (yea right...I wish!) and I could NOT for the life of me come up with something to write about.

I guess in some ways that is probably a good thing - nothing is wrong, broken, ailing me, etc.
On the other hand, - nothing exciting, happy, joyous, etc is happening either.

So here I am in the land of BLAHHHHH!!!
Neither here nor there!

Ugghhhhhh.

I think am beginning to lose my mind being home after this surgery.
I have had multiple conversations with the doc and hubby about me going back to work.
I need to go back to work soon before I start babbling to myself and taking up "cat hoarding" as a hobby. (not quite there yet but could readily see myself there soon)

Hopefully I will get the all clear this week from doc!!! (God willing)

So here I am - wasting time on this fine Saturday morning.
The sun is out and I really should get up off my ass and get moving.

Maybe I will drag hubby out to just go cruisin' - we always seem to end up having fun when we don't set a destination! The fun is in the adventure I say!

Had my DD coffee and am off to a good start for the day....let's keep that going!
Love ya'll

MOOD REPORT:

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Batty made my week!!!!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!

Okay folks...this is going to be a long post but it TOTALLY worth it.
Up to this point, my blog has been dedicated mostly to MY rantings and ravings with small doses of reality thrown in for good measure. The one common theme though is that is has been ALL ABOUT ME ME ME!!!

Today is different...I got the most incredible, fabulous, wonderful and exciting email from one of my favorite online TTC buddies. Her online nickname is "BATTY" - A.K.A.- Amanda.

I met Batty on one of the websites I frequent - THE TWO WEEK WAIT
She was someone I adored from the start! She managed to always know the right words to say to make me feel better. She has this incredible heart and has the greatest sense of humor that never fails to make laugh!
The fact that both of us are lumped into that lovely Infertility Group known as .............................
"Women of Advanced Maternal Age" probably helped solidify our friendship!

Batty emailed me yesterday morning with the MOST exciting, unexpected, and joyful news.
After many long years of TTC....she are her husband are finally preggers!!!
She wrote to me with slight trepidation in fear it would hurt me to hear of her good fortune.
I had to immediately write her back through my tears saying that I was so stinkin' excited for her and that my heart was overflowing with joy. I was NOT sad but unbelievably happy for her. If gave me sooooo much hope!!!! I asked for her to give me all the juicy details if she felt up to sharing and boy did she ever!

I am re-printing her letter back to me (with her permission)because it is beautiful, funny, honest, loving and generally fabulous in all ways! I hope you will enjoy it as much as I did!

A now .........Batty...........it's ALL YOURS hon:

Dearest Jenn, 

I close my eyes and visualize us so perfectly hugging and jumping- it gives
me goosebumps! Thank you for celebrating with me!

So ya want to know all the juicy details eh? Well, I'm going to share with
you, and off the top of my head too. So please forgive me if I ramble a
bit. And by the way, You and the rest of the TWW clan are the only ones to
know just yet. Most of my family and my BFF are just a little too (I'm not
sure about my word choice, but..) pushy, controlling, invasive... I love
them dearly and I am soo soo excited to share with them but I need just a
little bit longer quiet time...I'm so bad. But thank you for
understanding.. thank you from the bottom of my furry little heart :)

So where do I start.. ah yes...

It was a month just like any other month; a February just like any other
February in Northern California. Puxsutawney Phil had said Spring was
coming soon (or did he say later? I can never remember) Some days were cold
and stormy, and other days promised that Spring was just around the corner.
(Does it sound romantic yet?) There were flickers and robins in the yard,
the Red shouldered hawks were calling out their territorial cries, and the
frogs and lizards were awakening. The grasses and wildflowers were a rioting
sea of green, purple, gold. Everything was telling me I was weeks behind
getting my garden tilled and plants and seeds ordered.

I got my period February 18th. What made this one different is that I
managed to be out of feminine hygiene products. I know! I'm in my forties
and I STILL managed to not be prepared. Jim, bless his heart, was so
willing to go to the store and pick me up supplies. What made it awful (for
both of us) is that I typically buy whatever is on sale. I was trying to
educate him on the different thicknesses, lengths, wings, motors, scents and
brands all the while saying, in random order, "I'll just go" "it doesn't
really matter which you buy, they'll all work" "I don't like the extra long
ones, or the super heavy ones". He finally got out the door with an "I'll
call you when I get there." I would never tell him so but when he called me
from aisle 4 I could sense fear in his voice! So he returned to me
carrying a big bag of extra heavy, extra long, winged, turbo charged,
super-adhesive, extra-thin maxi pads. And I hated myself for even thinking
that they were not what I wanted. (But really, what girl wants her knight in
shining armor to ride up on his dashing destrier with a bouquet of
pantyliners?)

That day, and the next, I went through my usual rituals: I told myself, (as
always) that 1. God has an agenda 2. we didn't really time things,
and 3. It could be a fluke- I could be one of those women who have "AF"
every month even though they are pregnant. (Even if it is really, really
heavy, it still could happen!) And this of course gets accompanied my
hands pressing into my lovely lady curves to see if I can make the said
imaginary miracle baby kick hard enough for me to feel it. Hmmm, maybe I'm
just not far enough along to feel the baby yet.

Also with the start of each new cycle I think about what more we should try.
Jim wanted me to get another thermometer so we would have a better idea
about when I ovulate (I had broken the previous one months ago by biting it
when I fell back to sleep with it in my mouth- it makes a good argument for
vaginal temping)...but I'm too cheap to spend the money, and the drugstore
in town doesn't have the BBT kind. So now I'm just too cheap to drive 20
minutes north. Besides I temped for over a year and it didn't get us
pregnant. Now aren't you glad that's settled?

So what else should we be doing? Oh yeah, trying to have intercourse every
other day. Yeah, right, uhm, we're in our 40s for pete's sake! Not to
mention that my Jim works 12+ hour days. I don't care about how he's
feeling; I'm the one that needs my sleep. (OK, I'm just kidding- we both
need it) Actually in the best of times Jim isn't a frequent flyer. And he
has a small health issue that sometimes makes things... numb.... which
makes other things a little bit difficult. So I don't like to push BDing
too much.

Since I now knew my body sooooo well, down to feeling very close to my
cervix, I was usually aware of some of those typical preovulation signs and
symptoms. And you know what? This month I didn't pick up on any of them.
None, nada, zip. No noticeable CM, no cervix tucked up high, no twinges, no
pokes, no cramps. I actually remember at one point feeling perplexed that
there wasn't any signs. Now if you look at the calendar the time period for
a typical O fell right in the middle of Jim's work week. Somehow, at some
point, God managed to make the timing happen.

Fast forward to mid March. I am looking at the calendar and feeling grumbly
because AF should be starting today or tomorrow. Then I realize, "but I
haven't had my hungry day followed by day of no appetite yet." And do you
think the idea of being preg went through my mind? Nope, what went through
my little pea head was that I hadn't detected any ovulation, and now I'm not
having my normal premenstrual symptoms... what if, ...what if I didn't
ovulate? What if I hit menopause? What if that horrible nurse practitioner
was right? Uhmmm, no, just NO. Ok, so what if I just ovulated late?
Yeah, I could live with that.

"Well, Happy St. Paddy's Day sweetheart. I know your Irish darling should
be making you a corned beef briskit, cabbage and potatoes, but I just feel
more like having asian food: adobo chicken, rice, something about garlic and
soy sauce sounds scrumptious. I'll make colcannon soon, I promise."

The next day, I am returning books to the library when I feel it. The roll
of a cramp low in my belly. I head home, break out one of my new, uberlong,
super secure panty protection devices and slap it into place. I head to the
kitchen to make up a tall glass of chocolate milk. I stick my lower lip out
two inches. If that doesn't make you feel a little better (even if you
refuse to acknowledge it to ANYONE) nothing will. I was working myself up
into a righteous pout. When Jim returned from a hard day's (and night) work
I greeted him with left-overs and announced that my period has once again
arrived- that bitch. I averted my face so I wouldn't have to see the
disappointment in his eyes. I wanted all my pity reserved for myself.

The next morning I was still only spotting, but that was OK as I wasn't
having the major miserable double up on the couch cramps. I popped a couple
aspirin to help ward off the worst of the aches and went about my day. That
night my uber-long uber-maxi, uber-winged protection device was only
marginally dirtied. I am embarrassed to report that the thought that I
could possibly, maybe, just a tinesy- teeny bit be pregnant did not, I
repeat, not, go through my head! Perhaps this is one of the earliest signs
of pregnancy? No, what I wondered was if my mother would be aghast if I
didn't change before I went to bed. (I did)

And when I woke up the next morning without cramps to speak of, and no flow,
I still failed to wonder if I could just possibly have gotten myself knocked
up. It was only when I was making Jim his lunch, and realizing that I was
starving!! Finally, I'm getting my pre-menstrual famish! That a wee thought
crept into my consciousness, cleared its throat and politely suggested that
one could not completely rule out pregnancy at this point. After all, many
women spot and cramp early on. I immediately chased that little thought
off, admonishing it for trying to get my hopes up when it was OBVIOUS that
nothing DIFFERENT had occurred this month. But, to be a benevolent despot,
and since I was going out this afternoon, I would pick up a dollar store
test just so I could lock that nasty thought out of my mind for good.

This is a testament to how fiercely I disbelieved. I purchased the test,
threw it into my purse and there it sat for several hours. Once upon a time
I would have considered stopping at a gas station, restaurant, tree on the
side of the road, anything, just to get that pee stick out and use it. Even
if I knew I was only a week past ovulation. This time I got home and my
mind was on getting my strawberries transplanted. Two hours later I was
having enough cramps to draw my attention. I was also a little dehydrated
as it was a warm, beautiful Spring day. I gulped down a glass of water,
grabbed the stick from my purse and headed to the bathroom, ready to knock
that pesky thought far away.

In the back of the cupboard is a box, the one my prochieve came in, it holds
a couple cups, a dropper, and the box to my now long gone thermometer. It
has been a while since I've had it out. One of the cups is a paper party
cup, designed for little kids or a baby shower. It has blue stripes and a
little lion on it. I decided a long time ago that it might be lucky. It
has been peed in and washed many many times. Paper can be amazing. I
decided that today it would be the cup to pee in.

I was good. I read the instructions. I looked at the expiration date. I
saved the packaging to double check the lot number in case there was
something funny going on. I wiped the counter down before I laid everything
out. I pre-rinsed and dried my lucky cup. I couldn't procrastinate
anymore. I gave myself the lecture on how this was just to confirm that I
was, in fact, NOT pregnant, that I would NOT get hopeful. (It is amazing
how fast one can go from not so hopeful to desperately hopeful when TTC-
this was not going to happen to me this time) This test was necessary so
that I could move on to worrying that I was dying from some freakish disease
that the doctors had never detected, or that I was truly menopausal despite
my "good genes." When I went to the hospital I had to be able to tell them
that I had taken a test and it was negative. Even though I knew they'd test
me again and I'd still get my hopes up. Where was I?

So I peed.

My that's dark, I need to drink a little more! 4 drops. No more, no
less... oh, my, G..... no, that can't be a line there, ok, over there is
the control, no, that really is a line, but I'm not pregnant, but that's a
line, but that means I'm not dying from some freakish disease. Let's get
this thing into some sunlight. It can't be as red as it looks, surely the
color is off. But these things are always notoriously unreliable. Yep,
that's it. Not to be trusted.

Except I've been on TWW-POAS for too long. I know how these things can
look. And this, is, undeniably, a BFP, exclamation on the B and on the F
and on the P. All the way around. I'm never sure I really like it when my
practical side kicks in and suppresses the drama queen. But she did and it
is probably a good thing or Ms. Hysteria would have texted Jim to come home
right away or some other silly thing.

But I'm shaking, I'm starting to cry. I hit my knees and thank God. And
somehow I don't think that was really my hysterical side.

So other than handing the stick to Jim "as a tool to help him completely
give up smoking" LOL and getting a BIG ol Grin! And then repeating POAS on
Monday with a FRER (see attached pic) and both of us trying to not get tooo
excited yet. Jim says he refuses to get excited until I am barfing- he's
such a love. We are saying lots of prayers, of thanks and petition...

I am tearful, hungry, occasionally nauseous, have heartburn! (not fair!! I
thought that came about when everything started pressing on the stomach),
sleepy- I have taken a few awesome naps, and had a HORRIBLE back ache for
about 3 days. It could all be psychosomatic, and I would still blame that
on being pregnant.

I have decided on waiting on the Dr's visit for another week or so- I think-
because I want to get an U/S and I'm thinking if I go sooner they'll just
order lab work but make me wait a month to come back. (No, officer, I am
NOT manipulative)

And Jim wants to know if we can name the baby Bat- of course silly!

So there you have it folks - Hope you stuck in there to read it all....I did
and enjoyed every minute of it!

Gonna leave ya with that for today!

MOOD REPORT:



Monday, March 23, 2009

More than a few screws loose in my head!!!



So I finally got the answer to the dizziness issue this morning at my appt. with the ENT doc.
**BPPV or Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo**

Rather than go into a lengthy medical explanation of this problem, I will link you to a great information page on what it is, what causes it and how it is treated (if you are so inclined to read all about it) Anyhoo Here is the link....................... BPPV - Pretty cool eh?

In normal human being terms.....everyone has these crystals in their inner ear (for my purposes here I am going to call them screws...just cuz I like that term and it's my blog!)
There is a special spot for these "screws" where they are happy, comfortable and content.
If a situation should arise, such as a head trauma, surgery, anesthesia, etc. it can cause some or all of these "screws" to move into the inner ear canals. The "screws" are NOT welcome in the canals....they are unhappy, irritable, and sad there. As a result, they start grumbling and stomping around (not really but hey ...go with it...it's an analogy for chrissake!) The result of all this disruptive behavior on the "screws" part is the subsequent dizziness/vertigo!!!

So there you have it..........MY SCREWS are truly loose!!! Who woulda' thunk?

The ENT doc gave me a list of exercises to do to help correct the problem. The only hard part of the exercises is that you have to do a lot of laying down & sitting up which with my healing belly is tough. Thank goodness hubby is around to help. We shall see if we can knock these suckers back into their home turf! I hope so!!!!

On the belly healing front......have lost about 6 of the steri-strips on my belly (not picked I might add) and the incision line looks absolutely FANTASTIC!!! I go back to see the surgeon again tomorrow. I have been walking everyday with Jim and my energy is coming back fast!!!

On a the TTC/BABY TRAIN....I am managing to keep it low key. It has been hard to step away from something I want so much. It is something so close to my heart and with each passing month it gets a bit stronger. I know that somehow, some way....Jim and I will be parents BUT
for now I am trying to stay in today! (much easier said than done!)

I do need to vent a small bit about something that has been bothering for awhile now.
In the last six months, Jim and I started slowly to discuss the possibility of adoption as a real option for us. We had ALWAYS been open to this option but had wanted to try the fertility route first.

In any case, as we have moved along on our journey, I cannot begin to tell you HOW many people have said some of the following things to us (with good intent, of course):

"Since you are having such a hard time with conceiving, why don't you just adopt?"
"There are hundreds of kids needing a good home - why don't you just adopt?"
"You could adopt a child so easily.........why spend all that money on fertility treatments?"

I am sure you get the idea.......so for my own sanity and to clear up some of the misunderstandings surrounding this let me share a few facts:

1. The average cost of a private adoption in the U.S. is between $15,000 - $35,000.
As such, we can no sooner jump into adoption without a good amount of saving & planning then we could with our fertility treatments.
2. Jim and I feel that every penny we have put toward our fertility treatments has been worthwhile even though we have not been successful. We would do it all over again in a heartbeat just for the chance of a biological child of our own.
3. Jim and I have ALWAYS considered adoption as one of our options right from the start but wanted to pursue the fertility treatments first before going that route.
4. We don't consider adoption to be second best to our fertility treatments, rather just another option to pursue when and if we feel the time is right.
5. If and when we seriously pursue adoption, the average wait time from start to baby in hand is anywhere from 1.5 to 2 years...so despite "all these children needing good homes" we know it will be a long and arduous process.

I could go on and on but I am sure you get the idea here......
WHEW!!!! I feel better now for having got that off my chest!!!

Not much else to report....Hope everyone has a great day!

MOOD REPORT:

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Show & Tell - March 22, 2009


Forgot ALL about SHOW AND TELL this week so I thought I would cheat and let this pic and it's subsequent naming be the star of the show!

If you would like to see what everyone else is showing -
Click over to Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters to see who is in front of the class!

I need your help.......yes YOU!!!!!! You with the enormous amount of extra time on your hands.
You with the slightly twisted and off-color sense of humor. YOU!!!

I snapped this picture the other night and had lots of great ideas for adding captions to it.
Then I fell asleep and POOF....it was all gone.
This is where YOU come in. I would love some suggestions, ideas, or thoughts to add to this priceless pic. After all...currently these are the only two babies I have!

Not much excitement this weekend. We managed to make all the final adjustments and fixes to the gas lines in the basement and are now officially "up to code". AMEN~!~
It is slightly scary dealing with the gas lines but what's the worst that can happen?
Oh yeah - right....DEATH!!! No big deal!

Jim and I took several good walks Friday and Saturday which makes me really happy.
First off, the weather is actually cooperating to the point of allowing us to do so and secondly, I am finally getting some energy back after the surgery! WOOT!!! WOOT!!!

My belly-buttonless belly is healing well. I am counting down the days until I get to totally freak out my nephews when we compare belly buttons!!! ( Gotta look at the positive )
All of my steri-strips are still intact minus two which fell off on their own (no picking!!!)

Have been spending a lot of time watching my Cleveland Cavaliers games!!! (I LOVE this team)
For those of you who do not know....LeBron James #23, grew up and became a star in my hometown - Akron, Ohio. I have been a fan of his for years and am completely hooked on watching them play! Jim loves the fact that we get to watch the games together and that he can actually talk to me about what is going on. We even have an extra special ritual we do when they are losing a game.....(I won't go into details- you must use your imagination! hehehe )

Here is video of the team - this is what they do before ALL their games...gotta love it!!!



Not much else to share - gotta go grocery shopping - will be back soon!

MOOD REPORT:

Thursday, March 19, 2009

On to a new day...HALLELUJAH!!!!!


I got the most wonderful award and acknowledgement from another blogger today.......................
1.)BEAUTIFUL MESS at Life Induces thoughts, mostly random.
Thank you Thank you and Thank you....for your kind words and support!

I am passing on this award to some of the blogs that I love...
Wish I could do 8 but am not quite there yet....working on it though!
These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind
bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award!"


2.) Musings of a Fat Chick
3.) Monica at Knocked up Knocked Down
4.) The Real Bean
5. and of course where it all started ...Mel at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters.

I plan to expand my daily blog reading roster as there are so many INCREDIBLE women (and men) out there in IF Land. If I am already following you....Thanks for sharing the good, bad and the demented! If I haven't gotten to you yet.....let me know! I would love to meet some new friends.

AS FOR ME:
Yep....today's mood is moderately improved! Thank God - because yesterday I was really a miserable B*tch!!! No doubt about it! I was immensely happy to call it an early night however! My poor hubby did his very best to cheer me up yesterday - I really love that man!!!

As luck would have it, I called a good friend from work to catch up last night and she was able to recommend one of her relatives to help with the Gas line issue. (THANK GOODNESS!!!)
He came out this morning and was able to get everything up to code within a few hours.
It still sucked having to write out that check but I guess that's what home ownership is all about!
Called Dominion to come back out and turn the gas back on (they were there within 20 min. - who would have thunk?) We were back in business with heat and hot water.
We can now have a real meal for dinner rather than chicken tenders made in the toaster oven!
Now understand I am NOT a cook however losing the use of your stove/oven even temporarily really makes you appreciate having it at all. I will TRY and remember that when I am grumbling over making dinner the next time!

Got a much better night's sleep last night and finally feel like a human being today as a result!
Steri-Strip belly is feeling better AND I have actually managed to keep my "picking hands" off it.

Even though the air is cold outside, the sun is out today which makes me happy. It makes me want to get out of the house again. I am hoping that when hubby comes home from work that I can talk him into a mini road trip and possibly a walk. Crossing my fingers!!!!

MOOD REPORT:

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Woke up to a heaping SH*T filled day.....



Not even going to justify this post...

Woke up this morning after having dreams all night - was really restless as a result.

The dream I woke up to was this:

I was at the doctors office after "feeling off" for a few weeks.
Two nurses were in the room and they were just chatting away with me as they set up supplies.
Each nurse was slowly opening boxes with different types of pregnancy tests .
*The cassette type
*The strips
*The pee-on stick type
*The cup type
*Even a few digital ones

At some point one of the nurses took my cup of pee and started doing all the tests.

Almost instantly - ALL the tests started coming up positive! VERY positive! Not slight or barely there lines but dark, without a doubt lines! Even the words..."PREGNANT" and "YES" on the digi's.

I was totally stunned - could hardly speak but was obviously overjoyed!
I started to cry hysterically and one of the nurses brought in my parents so I could tell them as hubby was not there.

My parents came into the room and I held up one of the positive digi tests.

Mom and Dad both started crying and hugging me - everyone was so overwhelmed and happy.

We all got quiet finally and I said, "How am I going to tell Jim?" - "It has to be something so special.....he has waited for this for so long too!"

I decided I was going to borrow one of my nephews bibs and wrap up the digi test in it for Jim.
Flash forward to home and Jim coming in the door from work. He was rushing because he had somewhere else to be and was apparently late.

I said, " I need 5 minutes of your time for something really important"
Jim was exasperated and tired but said okay.

I handed him the bib - He took it and unwrapped the test. He stared at it and broke into tears.
Not quiet understated tears.....tears that wrack your entire body from head to toe!
He grabbed me and took me around saying.."really?"
I said "yes" and led him over to the table where all the pregnancy tests from the docs office were. We both just stood there arm in arm looking at the tests on the table.

>>>THEN I WOKE UP

There was one moment of sheer happiness, joy and peace that I felt while thinking of being pregnant which was promptly followed by the realization that this was a dream.

Utter disappointment, sadness, hollowness, despair and grief set in.
NOT how you want to wake up or start your morning!

After physically forcing myself to get out of the bedroom lest I dwell too much on that dream,
I found that moving this morning hurt like H*ll. My belly was so sore. Probably from being so restless in my sleep.

Went on to some morning tasks - one of which was to contact the Gas company due to an intermittent gas smell Jim and I both noticed in the basement.

A bit later the Gas Guy arrives and pokes around with his "sniffer gadget"

BAD NEWS!!!
We definitely have leaking gas lines in our basement from the water heater all the way over to the dryer which must be replaced. One of the joints where the gas guy checked actually set off his little alarm. ( NOT GOOD!)

WORSE NEWS!!!
When they detect any type of leak - they have to turn off your gas and lock the meter until you have it fixed. Off goes our gas - so no stove cooking or warm showers tonight!

Now - for whatever reason...after said Gas Guy left....I completely lost it!
Broke down and started to cry. I was so stinking frustrated.

These were and are my thoughts..........

*Can't we for ONCE catching a F*CKING BREAK?

*Can't we have a 6 month period of time where I am NOT in need of medical care and feeling like my body is completely and utterly useless?

*Can't we KEEP the meager savings we already have for IVF/ADOPTION instead of having to put it toward something like ...the house/car/medical bills?

*We just started talking about getting serious in pursuing the adoption thing and seriously figuring out a budget plan to really start saving money and then this?

*Why with every step forward does it seem like we take 10 steps back?

*Why now, Why us?

I can't wait to go to sleep for the night and start over....today SUCKS!

MOOD REPORT:

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Sleeping in my own bed...aaahhhh!!!


Yeah - I know...he IS pretty adorable at times. Ever since I was relegated to the recliner chair after surgery he has taken to curling up on top of MY princess blankie on MY side of the bed.

Needless to say, he was pretty bummed last night when I decided to reclaim my territory in bed.
He just opened his little kitty eyes, looked at me with this face as if to say ....."OH CRAP!"

Thank goodness his memory of this crisis will be short-lived - at least I hope!!! (the last time he held a grudge - Jim ended up having to buy three different pairs of slippers after some random peeing incidents)

Aside from today being ST. PATTY'S DAY - it was "have all 40 staples removed from your belly day" too! (Bet ya didn't know about that one!)

Mom came up and hauled my butt to the doctor's office for this momentous event!
All staples came out easily and I am now officially "steri-stripped" to the hilt!!!
Here's a pic just cuz I am that much of a dork...



I am going to bare my soul here and let you in on a bit of my insanity -
You know how the docs always tell you to leave the steri-strips alone? They will fall off by themselves? Well......I am admitting it here first - I have a problem -
a "picking problem" to be exact. I am a "picker"


Give me a scab- I pick it...Give me a pimple - I pick it....Give me forty plus steri-strips and I am in heaven. (I know, I know - pretty sad and twisted but true!)

It is going to be a tough task to keep my hands off these suckers.
For now though I am so darn happy to be stapleless and able to itch my incision line.

On our little outing today, I got to introduce Mom to my Tuesday Sushi Tradition at The Coconut Hut. We had a great lunch just chatting and stuffing our faces with sushi!!!
MMMMMMMMMMM!!! So good!!!

Seeing as how the sun is out and it is close to 60 degrees, I am going to go coerce hubby into taking a walk with me. Gotta get some sunshine on this pasty white Ohio skin!

MOOD REPORT:

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Show & Tell....sunset in Geneva...

This will be my second feeble attempt at doing "Show & Tell" a la the wonderful and ever creative Mel on her blog Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters . It is a great chance to show off a special picture (or even a not so special picture) to all you loyal blog readers and to help expand your readership.

As I am still in healing mode from my hernia surgery, much of my time this past week has been spent wandering aimlessly from room to room in our house trying to amuse myself.

I was getting amazingly bored with this routine by yesterday and decided to coerce hubby into a small outing of sorts. We really had no real destination so to speak but rather hopped into the truck and just drove. Our first stop was at our local K-MART ( weak - I know) however I was really craving some retail environment. We only stayed 5 minutes there and then headed back toward home.

On our way however we decided to take a small detour. One of the small blessings of living in Geneva, Ohio is that we are just about 5 minutes from the shores of Lake Erie. The very small but incredibly fun stretch of properties along the lake are known as ....
GENEVA ON THE LAKE
It is a small resort town which during the summer months is a great getaway!!! It is full of small local shops, wineries, arcades, games, bars and LOTS of fried foods!
All of this is right along lake Erie offering some wonderful boating and watersports as well.
Probably one of the greatest perks of being right on the water are some of the sunsets which leads me to my picture for show and tell!

Jim decided to go through the GENEVA ON THE LAKE strip despite it being off season with everything closed. Even with all the buildings closed up for the winter, it still made me smile thinking about how soon the scent of funnel cakes and popcorn will be wafting our way.

We pulled into one of the local parking lots just to sit and look out over the water. It happened to be right as the sun was starting to set. I could NOT help myself and whipped out my cell phone to try and snap a picture. Mind you I was sitting in the truck and was doing my best to take a pic through the windshield. I still think the pic is pretty good!!!!

Looking out over the water always seems to set me at peace and yesterday was no exception.
I did come home feeling extremely physically tired and sore from our outing BUT my mind was in a really good place. I have to remember that more often - water + sunset = PEACE!!!

MOOD REPORT:

Friday, March 13, 2009

Dizzy Dizzy everywhere...

So the dizziness/vertigo has been pretty constant the whole week and has been just enough to be rather irritating & bothersome.
Unfortunately I have been experiencing it mostly at night when I try to lay back in the recliner to go to sleep. It is so annoying to lay down when you are so overtired, and then your head is overtaken by this spinning feeling followed by nausea. Not very conducive to sleep I must tell you.

I decided yesterday that I had enough of it and called the doc to schedule an appt.
I was thankfully able to go into today to see him. What he told me was that he felt that the dizziness is a result of the anesthesia still. Apparently the kinds of medications they use to put you to sleep can throw off just about any body system you have INCLUDING your inner ear.
He said that he thought maybe one of the paralytic drugs threw off my "internal gyroscope"
Ultimately he felt that as the anesthesia left my body that the dizziness would resolve on it's own. As I am a heavier person and anesthesia is stored mostly in fat cells, it will take my body longer than than the average bear. ( gotta love my pudge ) I return to see the doc this coming Tuesday afternoon to have my staples removed and if the dizziness is NOT better by then, the doc will refer to an ENT doc. I am crossing my fingers that it resolves on it's own!

Today's trip to the doc was my first foray outside of the house since coming home from surgery and I have to say I think I did very well. Despite the fact that it is still pretty cold outside (mid 30's ) the sun was out all day and it felt heavenly on my face.
I also got to spend the afternoon with Jim as he had to play hooky from work to take me to my appt. I always love to spend extra time with him. He even stopped to get a polar pop on our way home from the doc. (I really love that man!!!!)
On the TTC front: Much to my surprise, I have managed to be able to just sit back and accept where I am at right now while my body heals. This is a HUGE step for me especially after having my birthday in February. I am trying to use this time off to get into the best mindset I can so that when Jim and I do move forward in building our family, we will be able to face our challenges head on - together.

MOOD REPORT:

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Back to the world of the living.....

Sorry for the crappy quality of the pic but I just had to share the greatest balloon that I received while in the hospital. (Thanks Kim) Gotta love a purple monkey holding a banana!!!
PERFECT!
Well folks, I am officially back! Sorry it took me so long to get back to my blog but I really wanted to give myself a week of not doing much of anything before tackling the computer.

Had my surgery last Wednesday and ended up coming home on Saturday afternoon. ( I was quite motivated to get out of the hospital!) To my great surprise and happiness, I am doing quite well. It turned out that I actually had 3 hernias to repair instead of the 2 the thought when going in.

They had to do a vertical and horizontal incision on my abdomen in order to put in the piece of mesh to close all of them. So I have what looks like an inverted "T" on my belly with about 40 staples.

The only sad part of the surgery that happened was the loss of my beloved belly button. Yep, you heard me correctly, due to the nature and placement of the incisions, I lost my little BB friend! So I am sending an one final "shout out" to the best belly button ever!
(.....dumping a bit of lint on the ground as a tribute to ya!)
May you rest in peace little one!!!!

Here is a pic of my belly - (pudge and all!!!)

To be honest - I think it looks amazingly good considering I am only a week out of surgery. I have had NO drainage at all. I go back to have my staples removed this Tuesday. I am having less and less pain each day - I am able to get around just fine.
My energy is still regrouping but I know that will take some time to get back to normal.

The only problem I have had to deal with is some vertigo after the surgery.
They had to place a Central Line in my neck during surgery for IV access and I think that some of the nerves/muscles/tendons, etc in that area got irritated or inflamed. As a result, I have experienced a decent amount of dizziness & positional vertigo since the surgery. It seems to be getting better each day and I think that as the irritation in my neck gets better, the vertigo will go away all together.

I was really blessed to have some great caregivers while in the hospital. Despite it's small size, Ashtabula Medical Center held it's own! My doc and nurses were really great.

Thanks to all my friends, family & co-workers who sent well wishes my way - I was truly overwhelmed with the support I got. It means the world to me!

Not much else to report for now - will be back soon!

MOOD REPORT:

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Saying goodbye to my 3rd boob...

Yep - you guessed it....it is "surgery day" - the day where I get to have my hernia's repaired or as Jim would say.... "have my third boob removed".
I actually made him say his goodbyes to her (miss hernia) this morning.
I think he is really going to miss her!!
I on the other hand and ready to throw her to the curb!!!

I am feeling really good about this surgery and am going in with the intent to be home by Saturday or Sunday at the latest. Jim's birthday is Sunday so ultimately that is my goal!

I do have a favor to ask any blog readers out there....I have several online friends in the infertile world going through their TWW right now after undergoing IVF. If you have a moment to say a few extra prayers for them - I would greatly appreciate it. These are some fantastic, loving and supportive women who have been there for me. I just want to make sure we have the spiritual side of things covered for them. THANK in ADVANCE!!!

I don't know how I am going to manage four whole days without being able to blog or even get on the internet. OH THE HUMANITY......( holding my hand up to my forehead dramatically )

To all friends and family: Since so many of you have called to ask......I will have the parents or Jim call to update you after the surgery. I promise - girl scout's honor (and yes- I was a girl scout if you can actually believe that)

Not much else to share - and since I am Dunkin Donuts coffee deprived...I better get off the computer before I say or do something incredibly stupid!!!

MOOD REPORT:

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Who am I?...


I was bouncing around the internet this morning and came across one of the most wonderful posts about infertility and felt it needed to be shared.

It was written by a fellow infertile named Michelle blog author of To Baby and Beyond. She entered this into a contest for an organization called PARENTHOOD FOR ME. (It's worth clicking on the link to read about the mission statement of this organization - it is awesome!!!)

Here is her Entry:

Face of Infertility


1 in 6 women experience infertility. I AM that 1.


1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I AM that 1.


But I'M NOT a statistic!


I'M a wife of a wonderful husband, who would make a great father! She wonders why he stays when she's the one that is broke. Why should his dream be denied? I'm sorry for that.


I'M a daughter who would love to give her mother a grandchild. A daughter that loves her mother and knows she too is in pain because I'm in pain but there is nothing I can do about it. I'm sorry for that.


I'M a sister whose best friend is her sister. A sister who both times she heard "I’m pregnant" was happy for her but sad for herself. Who rejoiced over the birth of her nephews while on the inside thinking. “why can’t this be me?”. I'm sorry for that.


I'M a granddaughter who fears that her grandmother will never meet her great grandchildren. They will never know this strong woman that I know. I'm sorry for that.


I'M an Aunt who loves her nephews as if they were her own. Who hugs them tight because she remembers she was suppose to have one the same age and wonders what they'd be like.


I'M a Friend who needs her friends more now then ever before. I will love you and listen to you, but can't come to every baby shower because it hurts too much. I'm sorry for that.


I'M a Woman who can’t do what women were born to do and my heart's broken. A women who will comfort you, laugh and cry with you, but right now needs to do these things for herself. I'm sorry for that.


I'M the girl behind you in the checkout line buying a pregnancy test with excitement and dread because she knows it probably didn't happen this month. If it did there is much that can go wrong. I'm worried about that.


I'M the person that cut you off on the road because my mind was racing because I wonders if the spotting I saw this afternoon was notice of impending doom. I'm sorry for that. I'M your neighbor who doesn't always seem friendly. I can't always come over to your kids parties because it's just too hard right now. I'm sorry for that.


I'M your patient. A patient whose happiness depends on the news you give her. If I reacts badly, it's not a reflection of your abilities, it's a reflection of my inabilities. I'm sorry for that.


I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm confused. I hurt. I cry. I yell. I make mistakes. I love. I laugh. I'm strong. I will heal. I will move one step at a time.


I WILL do all these things. I AM all these things.


I FEEL all these things because of the one thing that I'm NOT...a mother and I'm most sorry for that!

Thanks for letting me share this with you all - if you get the chance, please click over to the links above for more information. Just trying to spread the word!

As for me - just finishing up all the details for tomorrow's surgery. Gotta get packed and such.
Having my hair done and brows waxed as I know I won't be getting out of the house for a bit.
Hopefully if all goes smoothly, I am aiming to be home from the hospital by Sunday.
Take care until then folks!!!
Smooches!

MOOD REPORT:

Monday, March 2, 2009

Show & Tell..Not a baby belly....

Morning all- I am trying something new outside my comfort zone today - One of my favorite blogs that I follow daily is Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters .
The writer of this Blog Mel does a weekly thing called - Show and Tell where everyone who blogs can show off something to others and in turn you can look at a lot of other blogs to see what they are sharing in return. This is a great way to network and to share with others going through infertility issues as well.

So for Show and Tell today I am going to share a few pics of this lovely hernia of mine that is going to be repaired on Wednesday.
Yes it may be a bit weird but hey C'mon - it's me we are talking about!

I made the surprising discovery that when I was trying to photograph it - it looked amazingly similar to what a baby belly might look like. (ironic don't ya think?)
Sorry for the poor quality of the pics but it is pretty hard to photograph your self in the mirror and get the lighting right!!!
Just for landmark sake - it is located just beneath my breasts right along the incision line.


So there you have it folks... isn't is pretty? Although it is a bit on the twisted side, my mind could not help but think about what it would be like if that was our baby causing all that pooching! But alas that is NOT the case. If that were a bit lower and the result of a "Baby Barnhouse" growing in my "roomy uterus" I would be thrilled.
So there you have it - scars, stretch marks and all!!!
Can't wait to see what it will look like after the hernia repair surgery!!!!

MOOD REPORT:

That's all she wrote folks!!!!
Enjoy your day!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

FAT CAT.....

Sorry for the lack of posts lately however my energy is in the pooper!!!

I have come to the conclusion that my cat "Baby" is amazingly weird!! He has so many odd habits and behaviors that he makes me chuckle daily. Let me share a few!

1. He has this habit of licking the vacuum cleaner and broom - now the best we can come up with is that both of these items are covered in his hair. Maybe it smells like him? Who knows!!!

2. He is afraid of plastic bags - when we come home from grocery shopping and he hears the bags rustling, he takes off upstairs! Not sure about why- it's something he has always done.

3. He comes up on me- right on my boobs and starts "kneading" them. We call it the "paw paw" dance. Now I know that cats do this sort of thing however his favorite place to do it is right on my "tata's" (Jim says - "smart kitty")

4. He makes this unbelievably funny noise when he goes to do his super big stretch out - It's like he is trying to give the stretch added drama and attention. Makes us laugh every time!!!

Those are just a few of our chubby buddy's little quirks.....There are many more but you almost have to be there to experience them. Needless to say, I think he fits perfectly into our weird family! It was meant to be.

I would like to give a VERY SPECIAL thank you to a close friend - You know who you are. This loving and caring friend recently made a donation to our IVF FUND. It was so unexpected and absolutely overwhelming. You have been such a support on our TTC journey - I cannot begin to tell you what that means to both Jim and I. No matter if we pursue IVF or ADOPTION - please know that you helped us to build our family.

So Surgery day - Wednesday the 4th is approaching quickly. Theoretically all is set to go and honestly I am so ready for this to be over with. I did not hear any news on my test results from Friday's Upper GI series and as such, I am assuming that everything was okay since they did not call. I hope that assumption is correct.

Oh and on a completely different topic.... here is the latest pic of my youngest nephew Scott...
Although I am bias - I just think he is too cute NOT to show off!


I love his eyes!!!!








Not too much else to share - gonna head off to read the Sunday paper! HUGS and STUFF!!!
MOOD REPORT: