Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Woke up to a heaping SH*T filled day.....

Not even going to justify this post...

Woke up this morning after having dreams all night - was really restless as a result.

The dream I woke up to was this:

I was at the doctors office after "feeling off" for a few weeks.
Two nurses were in the room and they were just chatting away with me as they set up supplies.
Each nurse was slowly opening boxes with different types of pregnancy tests .
*The cassette type
*The strips
*The pee-on stick type
*The cup type
*Even a few digital ones

At some point one of the nurses took my cup of pee and started doing all the tests.

Almost instantly - ALL the tests started coming up positive! VERY positive! Not slight or barely there lines but dark, without a doubt lines! Even the words..."PREGNANT" and "YES" on the digi's.

I was totally stunned - could hardly speak but was obviously overjoyed!
I started to cry hysterically and one of the nurses brought in my parents so I could tell them as hubby was not there.

My parents came into the room and I held up one of the positive digi tests.

Mom and Dad both started crying and hugging me - everyone was so overwhelmed and happy.

We all got quiet finally and I said, "How am I going to tell Jim?" - "It has to be something so special.....he has waited for this for so long too!"

I decided I was going to borrow one of my nephews bibs and wrap up the digi test in it for Jim.
Flash forward to home and Jim coming in the door from work. He was rushing because he had somewhere else to be and was apparently late.

I said, " I need 5 minutes of your time for something really important"
Jim was exasperated and tired but said okay.

I handed him the bib - He took it and unwrapped the test. He stared at it and broke into tears.
Not quiet understated tears.....tears that wrack your entire body from head to toe!
He grabbed me and took me around saying.."really?"
I said "yes" and led him over to the table where all the pregnancy tests from the docs office were. We both just stood there arm in arm looking at the tests on the table.


There was one moment of sheer happiness, joy and peace that I felt while thinking of being pregnant which was promptly followed by the realization that this was a dream.

Utter disappointment, sadness, hollowness, despair and grief set in.
NOT how you want to wake up or start your morning!

After physically forcing myself to get out of the bedroom lest I dwell too much on that dream,
I found that moving this morning hurt like H*ll. My belly was so sore. Probably from being so restless in my sleep.

Went on to some morning tasks - one of which was to contact the Gas company due to an intermittent gas smell Jim and I both noticed in the basement.

A bit later the Gas Guy arrives and pokes around with his "sniffer gadget"

We definitely have leaking gas lines in our basement from the water heater all the way over to the dryer which must be replaced. One of the joints where the gas guy checked actually set off his little alarm. ( NOT GOOD!)

When they detect any type of leak - they have to turn off your gas and lock the meter until you have it fixed. Off goes our gas - so no stove cooking or warm showers tonight!

Now - for whatever reason...after said Gas Guy left....I completely lost it!
Broke down and started to cry. I was so stinking frustrated.

These were and are my thoughts..........

*Can't we for ONCE catching a F*CKING BREAK?

*Can't we have a 6 month period of time where I am NOT in need of medical care and feeling like my body is completely and utterly useless?

*Can't we KEEP the meager savings we already have for IVF/ADOPTION instead of having to put it toward something like ...the house/car/medical bills?

*We just started talking about getting serious in pursuing the adoption thing and seriously figuring out a budget plan to really start saving money and then this?

*Why with every step forward does it seem like we take 10 steps back?

*Why now, Why us?

I can't wait to go to sleep for the night and start SUCKS!


1 comment:

Beautiful Mess said...

Aww honey! I'm so sorry you had such a horrible day. I'm thinking about you and sending you a hug. I also left you an award on my blog. Maybe that'll cheer you up. If not, you can throw it back at me, that will no doubt make you laugh ;o)