Okay folks...this is going to be a long post but it TOTALLY worth it.Up to this point, my blog has been dedicated mostly to MY rantings and ravings with small doses of reality thrown in for good measure. The one common theme though is that is has been ALL ABOUT ME ME ME!!!
Today is different...I got the most incredible, fabulous, wonderful and exciting email from one of my favorite online TTC buddies. Her online nickname is "BATTY" - A.K.A.- Amanda.
I met Batty on one of the websites I frequent - THE TWO WEEK WAIT
She was someone I adored from the start! She managed to always know the right words to say to make me feel better. She has this incredible heart and has the greatest sense of humor that never fails to make laugh!
The fact that both of us are lumped into that lovely Infertility Group known as .............................
"Women of Advanced Maternal Age" probably helped solidify our friendship!
Batty emailed me yesterday morning with the MOST exciting, unexpected, and joyful news.
After many long years of TTC....she are her husband are finally preggers!!!
She wrote to me with slight trepidation in fear it would hurt me to hear of her good fortune.
I had to immediately write her back through my tears saying that I was so stinkin' excited for her and that my heart was overflowing with joy. I was NOT sad but unbelievably happy for her. If gave me sooooo much hope!!!! I asked for her to give me all the juicy details if she felt up to sharing and boy did she ever!
I am re-printing her letter back to me (with her permission)because it is beautiful, funny, honest, loving and generally fabulous in all ways! I hope you will enjoy it as much as I did!
A now .........Batty...........it's ALL YOURS hon:
Dearest Jenn,
I close my eyes and visualize us so perfectly hugging and jumping- it gives
me goosebumps! Thank you for celebrating with me!
So ya want to know all the juicy details eh? Well, I'm going to share with
you, and off the top of my head too. So please forgive me if I ramble a
bit. And by the way, You and the rest of the TWW clan are the only ones to
know just yet. Most of my family and my BFF are just a little too (I'm not
sure about my word choice, but..) pushy, controlling, invasive... I love
them dearly and I am soo soo excited to share with them but I need just a
little bit longer quiet time...I'm so bad. But thank you for
understanding.. thank you from the bottom of my furry little heart :)
So where do I start.. ah yes...
It was a month just like any other month; a February just like any other
February in Northern California. Puxsutawney Phil had said Spring was
coming soon (or did he say later? I can never remember) Some days were cold
and stormy, and other days promised that Spring was just around the corner.
(Does it sound romantic yet?) There were flickers and robins in the yard,
the Red shouldered hawks were calling out their territorial cries, and the
frogs and lizards were awakening. The grasses and wildflowers were a rioting
sea of green, purple, gold. Everything was telling me I was weeks behind
getting my garden tilled and plants and seeds ordered.
I got my period February 18th. What made this one different is that I
managed to be out of feminine hygiene products. I know! I'm in my forties
and I STILL managed to not be prepared. Jim, bless his heart, was so
willing to go to the store and pick me up supplies. What made it awful (for
both of us) is that I typically buy whatever is on sale. I was trying to
educate him on the different thicknesses, lengths, wings, motors, scents and
brands all the while saying, in random order, "I'll just go" "it doesn't
really matter which you buy, they'll all work" "I don't like the extra long
ones, or the super heavy ones". He finally got out the door with an "I'll
call you when I get there." I would never tell him so but when he called me
from aisle 4 I could sense fear in his voice! So he returned to me
carrying a big bag of extra heavy, extra long, winged, turbo charged,
super-adhesive, extra-thin maxi pads. And I hated myself for even thinking
that they were not what I wanted. (But really, what girl wants her knight in
shining armor to ride up on his dashing destrier with a bouquet of
pantyliners?)
That day, and the next, I went through my usual rituals: I told myself, (as
always) that 1. God has an agenda 2. we didn't really time things,
and 3. It could be a fluke- I could be one of those women who have "AF"
every month even though they are pregnant. (Even if it is really, really
heavy, it still could happen!) And this of course gets accompanied my
hands pressing into my lovely lady curves to see if I can make the said
imaginary miracle baby kick hard enough for me to feel it. Hmmm, maybe I'm
just not far enough along to feel the baby yet.
Also with the start of each new cycle I think about what more we should try.
Jim wanted me to get another thermometer so we would have a better idea
about when I ovulate (I had broken the previous one months ago by biting it
when I fell back to sleep with it in my mouth- it makes a good argument for
vaginal temping)...but I'm too cheap to spend the money, and the drugstore
in town doesn't have the BBT kind. So now I'm just too cheap to drive 20
minutes north. Besides I temped for over a year and it didn't get us
pregnant. Now aren't you glad that's settled?
So what else should we be doing? Oh yeah, trying to have intercourse every
other day. Yeah, right, uhm, we're in our 40s for pete's sake! Not to
mention that my Jim works 12+ hour days. I don't care about how he's
feeling; I'm the one that needs my sleep. (OK, I'm just kidding- we both
need it) Actually in the best of times Jim isn't a frequent flyer. And he
has a small health issue that sometimes makes things... numb.... which
makes other things a little bit difficult. So I don't like to push BDing
too much.
Since I now knew my body sooooo well, down to feeling very close to my
cervix, I was usually aware of some of those typical preovulation signs and
symptoms. And you know what? This month I didn't pick up on any of them.
None, nada, zip. No noticeable CM, no cervix tucked up high, no twinges, no
pokes, no cramps. I actually remember at one point feeling perplexed that
there wasn't any signs. Now if you look at the calendar the time period for
a typical O fell right in the middle of Jim's work week. Somehow, at some
point, God managed to make the timing happen.
Fast forward to mid March. I am looking at the calendar and feeling grumbly
because AF should be starting today or tomorrow. Then I realize, "but I
haven't had my hungry day followed by day of no appetite yet." And do you
think the idea of being preg went through my mind? Nope, what went through
my little pea head was that I hadn't detected any ovulation, and now I'm not
having my normal premenstrual symptoms... what if, ...what if I didn't
ovulate? What if I hit menopause? What if that horrible nurse practitioner
was right? Uhmmm, no, just NO. Ok, so what if I just ovulated late?
Yeah, I could live with that.
"Well, Happy St. Paddy's Day sweetheart. I know your Irish darling should
be making you a corned beef briskit, cabbage and potatoes, but I just feel
more like having asian food: adobo chicken, rice, something about garlic and
soy sauce sounds scrumptious. I'll make colcannon soon, I promise."
The next day, I am returning books to the library when I feel it. The roll
of a cramp low in my belly. I head home, break out one of my new, uberlong,
super secure panty protection devices and slap it into place. I head to the
kitchen to make up a tall glass of chocolate milk. I stick my lower lip out
two inches. If that doesn't make you feel a little better (even if you
refuse to acknowledge it to ANYONE) nothing will. I was working myself up
into a righteous pout. When Jim returned from a hard day's (and night) work
I greeted him with left-overs and announced that my period has once again
arrived- that bitch. I averted my face so I wouldn't have to see the
disappointment in his eyes. I wanted all my pity reserved for myself.
The next morning I was still only spotting, but that was OK as I wasn't
having the major miserable double up on the couch cramps. I popped a couple
aspirin to help ward off the worst of the aches and went about my day. That
night my uber-long uber-maxi, uber-winged protection device was only
marginally dirtied. I am embarrassed to report that the thought that I
could possibly, maybe, just a tinesy- teeny bit be pregnant did not, I
repeat, not, go through my head! Perhaps this is one of the earliest signs
of pregnancy? No, what I wondered was if my mother would be aghast if I
didn't change before I went to bed. (I did)
And when I woke up the next morning without cramps to speak of, and no flow,
I still failed to wonder if I could just possibly have gotten myself knocked
up. It was only when I was making Jim his lunch, and realizing that I was
starving!! Finally, I'm getting my pre-menstrual famish! That a wee thought
crept into my consciousness, cleared its throat and politely suggested that
one could not completely rule out pregnancy at this point. After all, many
women spot and cramp early on. I immediately chased that little thought
off, admonishing it for trying to get my hopes up when it was OBVIOUS that
nothing DIFFERENT had occurred this month. But, to be a benevolent despot,
and since I was going out this afternoon, I would pick up a dollar store
test just so I could lock that nasty thought out of my mind for good.
This is a testament to how fiercely I disbelieved. I purchased the test,
threw it into my purse and there it sat for several hours. Once upon a time
I would have considered stopping at a gas station, restaurant, tree on the
side of the road, anything, just to get that pee stick out and use it. Even
if I knew I was only a week past ovulation. This time I got home and my
mind was on getting my strawberries transplanted. Two hours later I was
having enough cramps to draw my attention. I was also a little dehydrated
as it was a warm, beautiful Spring day. I gulped down a glass of water,
grabbed the stick from my purse and headed to the bathroom, ready to knock
that pesky thought far away.
In the back of the cupboard is a box, the one my prochieve came in, it holds
a couple cups, a dropper, and the box to my now long gone thermometer. It
has been a while since I've had it out. One of the cups is a paper party
cup, designed for little kids or a baby shower. It has blue stripes and a
little lion on it. I decided a long time ago that it might be lucky. It
has been peed in and washed many many times. Paper can be amazing. I
decided that today it would be the cup to pee in.
I was good. I read the instructions. I looked at the expiration date. I
saved the packaging to double check the lot number in case there was
something funny going on. I wiped the counter down before I laid everything
out. I pre-rinsed and dried my lucky cup. I couldn't procrastinate
anymore. I gave myself the lecture on how this was just to confirm that I
was, in fact, NOT pregnant, that I would NOT get hopeful. (It is amazing
how fast one can go from not so hopeful to desperately hopeful when TTC-
this was not going to happen to me this time) This test was necessary so
that I could move on to worrying that I was dying from some freakish disease
that the doctors had never detected, or that I was truly menopausal despite
my "good genes." When I went to the hospital I had to be able to tell them
that I had taken a test and it was negative. Even though I knew they'd test
me again and I'd still get my hopes up. Where was I?
So I peed.
My that's dark, I need to drink a little more! 4 drops. No more, no
less... oh, my, G..... no, that can't be a line there, ok, over there is
the control, no, that really is a line, but I'm not pregnant, but that's a
line, but that means I'm not dying from some freakish disease. Let's get
this thing into some sunlight. It can't be as red as it looks, surely the
color is off. But these things are always notoriously unreliable. Yep,
that's it. Not to be trusted.
Except I've been on TWW-POAS for too long. I know how these things can
look. And this, is, undeniably, a BFP, exclamation on the B and on the F
and on the P. All the way around. I'm never sure I really like it when my
practical side kicks in and suppresses the drama queen. But she did and it
is probably a good thing or Ms. Hysteria would have texted Jim to come home
right away or some other silly thing.
But I'm shaking, I'm starting to cry. I hit my knees and thank God. And
somehow I don't think that was really my hysterical side.
So other than handing the stick to Jim "as a tool to help him completely
give up smoking" LOL and getting a BIG ol Grin! And then repeating POAS on
Monday with a FRER (see attached pic) and both of us trying to not get tooo
excited yet. Jim says he refuses to get excited until I am barfing- he's
such a love. We are saying lots of prayers, of thanks and petition...
I am tearful, hungry, occasionally nauseous, have heartburn! (not fair!! I
thought that came about when everything started pressing on the stomach),
sleepy- I have taken a few awesome naps, and had a HORRIBLE back ache for
about 3 days. It could all be psychosomatic, and I would still blame that
on being pregnant.
I have decided on waiting on the Dr's visit for another week or so- I think-
because I want to get an U/S and I'm thinking if I go sooner they'll just
order lab work but make me wait a month to come back. (No, officer, I am
NOT manipulative)
And Jim wants to know if we can name the baby Bat- of course silly!
So there you have it folks - Hope you stuck in there to read it all....I did
and enjoyed every minute of it!
Gonna leave ya with that for today!
MOOD REPORT:
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