Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Super Sushi Tuesday.....yet again!

Can you believe it's that time again? SUPER SUSHI TUESDAY (echo of Tuesday...)
Super Sushi Tuesday is dedicated to ALL things "Fertility Forbidden"

Leave a comment with one thing for the week that you have given up, quit, cut down on, long for, miss dearly, wish you could have, etc.

This is where I step in for you! Since hubby and I are on the road to adoption and not actively TTC anymore.....I will GLADLY be your "sushi surrogate"
In other words - I will selflessly indulge all your "fertility forbidden fantasies" for you!

Still taking your orders......bring 'em on!

Oh the weekend......
What can I say about the weekend? What can I say about my emotions as of late?

I got to spend some great quality time with hubby on Saturday just toodling around town taking care of errands and such. I do enjoy doing that with him. Finally feeling better physically too!

On the flip side of things however I just had a very tough "being childless/infertile" time this weekend too.

We went down to visit Mom & Dad on Sunday - They had planned an open house of sorts for my nephew, Scotty. They always do this to allow all their friends a chance to meet the new grandchildren. The reason it took so long for them to get around to doing this (Scotty is 7 mths. old) was because of their vacationing over the winter in Florida.

I knew there would be many people in and out of their house visiting but I think I underestimated the amount of people coming who would bring their very young children/babies.
Including my nephews, I believe we actually had around 8 children there. Ages 7mths to 11 yrs old. It seemed all the adults there were either parents or grandparents.

And then there we were - just Uncle Jim and Aunt Jenn.
or daughter Jenn and son-in-law Jim.
or friends, Jenn & Jim
But just not Mom or Dad.
Simply put - It hurt - really really hurt!

I love my nephews with all my heart and would do anything for them.
This was one of those times where despite my feelings and emotions, I just felt it too important to be there for my family. I knew however it would take it's toll on me - and it did!

The positive that came out of the visit was that I got to see my fabulous husband hold my 7mth. old nephew. This was pretty huge as he still seems a bit nervous around infants.
I cannot tell you how much my heart swelled watching him hold Scotty. It was such a beautiful sight to behold. It solidified in my mind the fact that Jim would be a phenomenal daddy.

Hubby did have one very unique and special moment while holding Scotty.
They both were just sitting there kind of chilling out together when Jim looked at me and said, " Um hon....I think something just happened here withe the kid....he just vibrated" - I almost peed my pants laughing so hard! I guess Scotty had a good "tooting" fest going on!

On the trip back home on Sunday, Jim knew I was upset. He is doing his very best to deal with my emotions about the baby thing but I think he just has a hard time understanding where I am coming from. He tried to re-iterate the fact that we are half way through our adoption classes and that we will have a baby soon of our own. I told him that I heard what he was saying but that a part of me didn't believe that and that I wasn't excited - wasn't going to get excited, and I am not. Not excited at all. Here is why.

Despite the fact that we are pursuing adoption, there is a thought and real fear of never having a child. It is in the same place as all the fertility testing, crappy test results, unsuccessful cycles, flushed infertility $$ and BFN preggers tests.

Finer minds would likely tell me that I am trying to protect my heart from more disappointment and heartache. They would tell me that it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel especially after all the disappointment we have endured. It is hard to imagine having a child come into our lives after not having one for so long. ( and yes I am aware many women in the IF community have done this much longer and have been through much more - just sharing MY thoughts)

So in that vain - I continue to disbelieve. And I know that is okay for now - it is just where I am. Neither here nor there. Putting one foot in front of the other just because.
It doesn't mean we stop moving forward or pursuing adoption. It just means I have to work through my emotions in the midst of this process. Easier said than done some days.

On Monday, we had our annual Memorial Day cook-out. This is something my husband has done with our neighbors for many years. Since cook-outs tend NOT to be my thing and I get anxious trying to plan events like this, Hubby offered to take the reigns on this one. He did a really good job.

Unfortunately we ended up having several unplanned and uninvited guests which just about put me over the edge in terms of anxiety. We really had to scrape around in the house to find extra paper plates and such. To add insult to injury, one of the uninvited guests brought her 5 children with her. I believe all under the age of 8. Had it not been for a very good friend of mine who showed up, I would have completely lost it. I was just NOT in good place to begin with and then to have to contend with all those children just did me in.

So yeah....to sum up my emotional state for the last two days...I would say I am in the pooper!
I have been irritable, sad, depressed, and pissy. The mix of negative emotions where you know you are miserable, know you are miserable to be around and just don't give a crap!
Fun eh?

If you are still reading...and I won't be hurt if you are not......Thanks and thats that!

GO CAVS!!!!! Gotta beat ORLANDO!!!



Beautiful Mess said...

Oh honey I'm so sorry! Sending you lots of hugs and love.

mekate said...

Oh sweet Jenn, I so get that this is complicated, and just because we make decisions about this or that does not mean that suddenly things are simple and all is clear and all is well. This is a complex soup, a swamp a quagmire a sucking pit of quicksand.. oh sorry- what I mean is that this is far from simple in any way and I wish you gentleness on yourself and know that you are allowed to feel all of this, and it does make sense that you would. Thinking of you and sending warm thoughts your way, and hugs too-
warmly, Kate

Beautiful Mess said...

To give you something to do AND put you in a "thinking" mood, I tagged you for a meme on my blog! Check it out, it isn't TOO bad ;o)
Sorry about your Cavs, hon! I was screaming and yelling at the TV!

imafishey said...

I'm sorry I missed this yesterday.

"...he just vibrated" made me cry from laughing! ;)