Monday, May 4, 2009

Many leaps of faith.........

Pic courtesy of The Laughing Volcano

This is a week of new starts
A week of beginnings
A week of a new direction

Our family building journey has been punctuated by several leaps of faith.....
The leap from conscience abstinence and protection to trying to conceive (TTC)
The leap from passively TTC to charting/temping/opk/monitor assisted TTC
The leap from charting/temping/opk/monitor assisted TTC to going to the OB/GYN
The leap from seeing the OB/GYN to doing monitored fertility meds W/ the OB/GYN
The leap from the failed OB/GYN cycles to going to see the Fertility doc (RE)
The leap from having the RE consult to getting the whole fertility workup done
The leap from the fertility workup done to doing some oral fertility med + IUI cycles
The leap from failed oral fertility med+IUI cycles to injectable med+IUI cycles
The leap from the failed injectable med+IUI cycle to more fertility workup
The leap from the followup workup to looking at our options - A.K.A - IVF w/ICSI
The leap from considering IVF w/ICSI to looking at adoption
The leap from looking into adoption to making some calls and getting some info
The leap from getting the info to processing it.

and here is the big one.....

The leap from letting go of the fertility stuff and moving on to the adoption process.

Tonight we start our foster/adoption classes.

Pretty big stuff eh?

So much stuff emotion is swirling around in my head today.
Wondering to myself if it's okay to feel a bit ambivalent about this.
Thinking I must be a bit "off" to be feeling sad AND excited at the same time
Questioning if this is the "right" route to be taking for our adoption process.
Second-guessing myself - SHIT.....this is really hard.

I want to be so much more happy, excited, and anxious about starting today.
I am just NOT.
Is that weird? I really don't know.
Does that mean I don't really want to do this?
Does it mean my heart is not truly in it?

I am probably over-thinking this.....YES....that's it!!
Too much thought.....too much time in my head.
Being in my head = A very scary fucked-up place

Okay.....back to new beginnings....

Deep breath.....
Grabbing hubby's hand......
Taking that HUGE leap of faith....TOGETHER!

Praying that we will both land on our feet.......and holding the hand of our child.

MOOD REPORT:

4 comments:

Beautiful Mess said...

It's a lot to take in, I can ONLY imagine. You feel how you feel, simple as that. Do your best not to over think it, but FEEL it. You're a wonderful woman and you and your hubby can and WILL do this! I have faith!

imafishey said...

Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,and lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make direct your paths."

I'm walking on faith with you! :)

Sara said...

To quote Semisonic's song Closing Time, "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." Opening the door to adoption means moving away from the bio door. How could you NOT feel mixed about that?

Sara

Jenn said...

If I haven't said so ladies....
THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for being there for me!

Your kind words help so much!!!