Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Read at your own risk!

*Please note - this will NOT be a pleasant, happy, positive or hopeful post-read at your own risk!
I am giving myself full permission to vent, pout and just generally be F*cking irritable.

I am not having a good time of it right now - physically, emotionally or spiritually!

Let's start with physically shall we.........My belly has been increasingly uncomfortable and painful over the last month. After my hospitalization a month ago, I was told that all was back to normal and that I should not be having much discomfort. Well that has NOT been the case.
I have been uncomfortable at times and at other times in outright pain. I have followed up with the primary care doc as instructed- she quickly shuffled me over to the hernia repair surgeon, Dr. O'brien. He is unsure and nervous about my discomfort and wanted me to talk with the surgeon who did my emergency surgery last year, Dr. Stellato. (I had to change surgeons as Dr. Stellato is now considered out of network thanks to changes in my Medical Mutual insurance coverage) Dr. Stellato is the doc who covered my hospitalization a month ago (despite the insurance issue) and released me at that time saying all was well. So I am being shuffled here then there with no answer. I was beginning to think I was crazy and was truly starting to second guess my gut feeling about something not being right.
Well Friday of last week, I received a call from Dr. Stellato's office asking me to call them. I was unable to reach them until yesterday - apparently they received the official CAT scan report from my hospitalization and despite the fact that I was told it looked okay while I was in the hospital, that was not the case. The report stated there was significant fluid in my gastric remnant. Fluid should not be built up in there since it is not attached to my GI system any longer. They now want to make sure there is not a leak somewhere so I have to have an Upper GI series. The soonest I could get this test scheduled for in-network was Friday.
Just another bump in the road along with all the other hundred dips, holes and gravel I have hit lately.

Emotionally - I am just a mess. Despite my best efforts at remaining positive, I have honestly gotten to the point lately where I am just disgusted, pissed off and angry most of the time. I have made my strongest attempts at keeping all that negative energy away from friends and family but it gets tough at times. Today I feel like I want to revel in my pissiness!!! I want to be upset and irritable. I don't want to hear any platitudes or supportive comments. I want to be EXACTLY where I am if that makes any sense. I think dealing with all physical belly stuff is bad enough but to then add in the fact that I don't have a shot at TTC this year just puts it over the edge. It sucks - plain and simple and I am angry about it all!!!

Spiritually - I am all over the place. I know in my heart that God is still with me but I have to be honest and say I am pretty pissed right now with him/her. I have heard, "God never gives you more than you can handle" , "It's all in God's time frame" and "Turn it over to God - he/she will take care of it" over and over again. I am not believing any of it today. That may change tomorrow but for the moment I am feeling cheated, over-whelmed and deceived by God.
Maybe God is busy with others who need him/her more right now - but I keep wondering when it will be my turn? The good thing about my relationship with God is that it is ever changing and evolving. I am pretty sure given a few days, I will get a better spiritual perspective but for now I am just okay being right where I am.
For all my regular blog followers - just know that I will be okay!
No need to worry about me. I will get over all this - I always do. No need to try and fix it or make it better. Putting it all out there is the healthiest thing I can possibly do for myself right now. I will talk about it when I want to or not.


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