Sunday, February 22, 2009

I am tired of being tired!

This is about how I looked all weekend minus the two times I actually mustered up the energy to actually leave the house. These hernia's seem to be kicking my butt in the energy department!
I have actually resorted to an official countdown until my surgery - it probably a bit twisted but I am SOOOO ready to get the show on the road already!

It's been a bit of a weird emotional roller coaster lately for me.
I think that having my 38th birthday, having to come to terms with another abdominal surgery, and knowing that our TTC is on hold has put me in a really weird space. Not that being in a weird space is anything new for me - LOL!
On the one hand - not temping, charting, testing, has been such a nice change of pace for me.
On the other hand - I still feel this overwhelming sense of urgency, fear and worry everyday that I know is baby related. I almost feel like that if I stop having anything to do with the TTC journey that my desire will go away completely. That literally scares the Hell out of me.
I know that sounds messed up but it's just this feeling I have in my gut.

Jim and I won't even be able to consider any Baby related options until at least late fall or early winter 2009. That's assuming everything goes smoothly and as planned. I am trying earnestly to be optimistic however judging from past experiences, I am expecting bumps in the road. Rolling with the punches just sucks some times. So in all reality, I have had to accept that 2009 will not be our year to add to our family. That thought hurts my heart!
I continue to try and keep my faith strong in this area but I have to say that I just never thought it would be this hard or would take this long. It is an amazing test of my faith. I am not yet ready to give up this fight but having to wait YET AGAIN just kills me. Nothing new in this dept. other than renewed frustration. Oh well - enough of that! (gotta love random thoughts)

Anyhoo - we got another lovely Alberta Clipper that dumped a bunch of snow on us. I still hate everything about NE Ohio in the winter. I will NEVER and I repeat NEVER like the snow.
Bless those of you who see it as "magical and pretty" - I will take a pass on that every time!
Give me 70 degrees and sunny and I am happy. Give me a warm body of water, a clean beach and a tropical breeze and I am head over heels!!! So there!

Not much else to report - Gotta go watch the Cavs whoop the Pistons butts - Go LeBron!!!!!!

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