A post significantly easier for the read....

Yes I am back and in a bit of a better frame of mind - Will try to keep the cussing to a minimum!

Thank God for work lately as it is keeping me as sane as I can possibly be - Despite the discomfort I am having, I find it just keeps my mind off of ruminating about things.
Add in the fact that I have my bestest work buddy, Jenny there - AKA- the other half of my brain- it has been outright therapeutic for me. If only you knew some of the stuff we say and do at work, it might change your opinion of local government permanently!!!! (Got you thinking about that- didn't I?) Heheheheheehehe

Waiting patiently for Friday to do my upper GI series - am hoping and praying all goes smoothly with that. I am feeling a tad more positive today so I am going to go with the belief that everything will be fine. Surgery is still scheduled for Wednesday of next week so tomorrow is my last official work day until I heal. I think I am going to have to work on finding some kind of hobby to undertake while I am home healing. I need something to keep me busy and my mind occupied. I will give that some thought this weekend I think.
I wouldn't mind suggestions either!

On the spiritual side of things....I am feeling slightly less pissed with GOD and maybe a bit more willing to accept that things are happening as they should. Give me another few days to process and I am sure I will be back to square one with my faith and hope.

MOOD REPORT:
Gotta go get the Dunkin!!!!

Read at your own risk!

*Please note - this will NOT be a pleasant, happy, positive or hopeful post-read at your own risk!
I am giving myself full permission to vent, pout and just generally be F*cking irritable.

I am not having a good time of it right now - physically, emotionally or spiritually!

Let's start with physically shall we.........My belly has been increasingly uncomfortable and painful over the last month. After my hospitalization a month ago, I was told that all was back to normal and that I should not be having much discomfort. Well that has NOT been the case.
I have been uncomfortable at times and at other times in outright pain. I have followed up with the primary care doc as instructed- she quickly shuffled me over to the hernia repair surgeon, Dr. O'brien. He is unsure and nervous about my discomfort and wanted me to talk with the surgeon who did my emergency surgery last year, Dr. Stellato. (I had to change surgeons as Dr. Stellato is now considered out of network thanks to changes in my Medical Mutual insurance coverage) Dr. Stellato is the doc who covered my hospitalization a month ago (despite the insurance issue) and released me at that time saying all was well. So I am being shuffled here then there with no answer. I was beginning to think I was crazy and was truly starting to second guess my gut feeling about something not being right.
Well Friday of last week, I received a call from Dr. Stellato's office asking me to call them. I was unable to reach them until yesterday - apparently they received the official CAT scan report from my hospitalization and despite the fact that I was told it looked okay while I was in the hospital, that was not the case. The report stated there was significant fluid in my gastric remnant. Fluid should not be built up in there since it is not attached to my GI system any longer. They now want to make sure there is not a leak somewhere so I have to have an Upper GI series. The soonest I could get this test scheduled for in-network was Friday.
Just another bump in the road along with all the other hundred dips, holes and gravel I have hit lately.

Emotionally - I am just a mess. Despite my best efforts at remaining positive, I have honestly gotten to the point lately where I am just disgusted, pissed off and angry most of the time. I have made my strongest attempts at keeping all that negative energy away from friends and family but it gets tough at times. Today I feel like I want to revel in my pissiness!!! I want to be upset and irritable. I don't want to hear any platitudes or supportive comments. I want to be EXACTLY where I am if that makes any sense. I think dealing with all physical belly stuff is bad enough but to then add in the fact that I don't have a shot at TTC this year just puts it over the edge. It sucks - plain and simple and I am angry about it all!!!

Spiritually - I am all over the place. I know in my heart that God is still with me but I have to be honest and say I am pretty pissed right now with him/her. I have heard, "God never gives you more than you can handle" , "It's all in God's time frame" and "Turn it over to God - he/she will take care of it" over and over again. I am not believing any of it today. That may change tomorrow but for the moment I am feeling cheated, over-whelmed and deceived by God.
Maybe God is busy with others who need him/her more right now - but I keep wondering when it will be my turn? The good thing about my relationship with God is that it is ever changing and evolving. I am pretty sure given a few days, I will get a better spiritual perspective but for now I am just okay being right where I am.
For all my regular blog followers - just know that I will be okay!
No need to worry about me. I will get over all this - I always do. No need to try and fix it or make it better. Putting it all out there is the healthiest thing I can possibly do for myself right now. I will talk about it when I want to or not.

MOOD REPORT:

Monday, Monday, Monday.......

Okay - now I know this is soooo goofy BUT I found this site that you can take pics of you and hubby and they will give you a pic of what your baby "might" look like - weird eh?
So here is the pic of what a "little baby Barnhouse" would look like....not too bad I think!
I really had to chuckle because I always did figure we would end up with a boy and then BAM- here he is! Nice to know that our children would at least be cute if we had some!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep - as you can see, I am fairly bored this fair Monday morning. Jim is off to work and I am awaiting the arrival of the Ohio State Waterproofing guy to fix our one sump pump. It has been stuck running nonstop for a few days now. Couldn't figure out the sound I was hearing until I investigated the basement. At least it is our back-up sump pump. So that is my enormous excitement for the day. I have been told that I "don't need to go out today as the car is covered in a sheet of ice and you don't need to strain yourself scraping it off" (Can you guess who is a little worried about me?- give ya a hint - his name rhymes with Tim)
So unless I want to piss off the powers that be...I will spend another day being a couch potato.

If I am somewhat motivated, I might undertake the task of going through my clothes and getting rid of stuff for Goodwill. I have meaning to do that for ages but it is something that I have put off mostly because I have the worst time letting go of stuff. We shall see!

Have I mentioned lately that I love my hubby? Well if I haven't - let me do so right now-
Bear....I love you!

We have this rule that we let each other know when we are feeling down, cranky, irritable, etc. and what if anything we need from one another at that moment. It avoids much headache and potential misunderstandings.
Last night I was very down about everything and told him so. He is getting so good at just listening and NOT trying to fix it! (so proud of him!)

This morning....he left me this note in front of my computer:
( Squeak is in reference to the nickname for our kitty)













He always manages to make me laugh- I am truly blessed to have met him and to get to spend my life with him.

Not much else to share for the morning-
MOOD REPORT:

I am tired of being tired!

This is about how I looked all weekend minus the two times I actually mustered up the energy to actually leave the house. These hernia's seem to be kicking my butt in the energy department!
I have actually resorted to an official countdown until my surgery - it probably a bit twisted but I am SOOOO ready to get the show on the road already!

It's been a bit of a weird emotional roller coaster lately for me.
I think that having my 38th birthday, having to come to terms with another abdominal surgery, and knowing that our TTC is on hold has put me in a really weird space. Not that being in a weird space is anything new for me - LOL!
On the one hand - not temping, charting, testing, has been such a nice change of pace for me.
On the other hand - I still feel this overwhelming sense of urgency, fear and worry everyday that I know is baby related. I almost feel like that if I stop having anything to do with the TTC journey that my desire will go away completely. That literally scares the Hell out of me.
I know that sounds messed up but it's just this feeling I have in my gut.

Jim and I won't even be able to consider any Baby related options until at least late fall or early winter 2009. That's assuming everything goes smoothly and as planned. I am trying earnestly to be optimistic however judging from past experiences, I am expecting bumps in the road. Rolling with the punches just sucks some times. So in all reality, I have had to accept that 2009 will not be our year to add to our family. That thought hurts my heart!
I continue to try and keep my faith strong in this area but I have to say that I just never thought it would be this hard or would take this long. It is an amazing test of my faith. I am not yet ready to give up this fight but having to wait YET AGAIN just kills me. Nothing new in this dept. other than renewed frustration. Oh well - enough of that! (gotta love random thoughts)

Anyhoo - we got another lovely Alberta Clipper that dumped a bunch of snow on us. I still hate everything about NE Ohio in the winter. I will NEVER and I repeat NEVER like the snow.
Bless those of you who see it as "magical and pretty" - I will take a pass on that every time!
Give me 70 degrees and sunny and I am happy. Give me a warm body of water, a clean beach and a tropical breeze and I am head over heels!!! So there!

Not much else to report - Gotta go watch the Cavs whoop the Pistons butts - Go LeBron!!!!!!
MOOD REPORT:

A year full of good fortune...

Here is my wonderful gift from my brother Doug who lives in California.......It is a HUGE birthday fortune cookie. I absolutely loved it!!!! It is covered in chocolate and sprinkles.
The Take out container it came in is cool as well! Just wanted to share my good fortune with you all! I got some absolutely fabulous gifts from friends and family:
A Dunkin Donuts gift card....THANKS Kim!
A Special Sushi Dinner Surprise at The Coconut Hut....THANKS Jenny (you lil stinker!)
Several cards with lots of spendable green stuff inside....THANKS Mom/Dad, Cauffields, etc.
A gift Card to CATO's clothing store.....THANKS Steph & family
A gorgeous hand crocheted scarf....THANKS Aunt Judy
A bottle of Chanel Perfume and a new ladies Razor that I have wanted....THANKS Bear!
MANY MANY MANY fabulous birthday emails, and phone calls.....THANKS EVERYONE
Needless to say I had a great birthday thanks to everyone I love - you all are the best at making this old goat feel better about another year passed!

Just when I thought that we had passed the worst of our sucky Ohio winter weather I was rudely reminded that we are NOT!!! It started snowing and blowing again last night and has not stopped since. It is bitter cold outside and we are supposed to get another 6-8 inches today!
SH*T SH*T SH*T SH*T!!!!! I HATE SNOW!!!

In the meantime - I have been just trying to conserve my energy. All these belly problems have zapped the energy right out of me. I am literally counting down the days until I have this surgery and can be on the way to healing. Don't get me wrong - I hate the fact I have to have the surgery but I am tired of feeling so crappy and tired all the time. Hopefully the surgery will go smoothly and within a month, I will be back to my old crazy self. That is my plan and am sticking to it!!!

I would like to send out a special request for those of you who wouldn't mind - Any extra or spare prayers would GREATLY be appreciated for my co-worker Janice and her family.
It has been an incredibly difficult and trying year so far for them - Many medical emergencies - They could really use a few added prayers!!! THANKS
While I am asking for prayers - keep these people in mind too!
Jenny's mom who just had knee surgery
Kim's family - medical difficulties
Mari - grieving loss of husband and move to a new home

I know there are so many other people out there I am missing-
Just know I am thinking of you all!!!
MOOD REPORT:

Let's play a guessing game........

Ten bucks if you can guess who this incredibly adorable chubby birthday girl is????
I mean C'mon folks - how cute can you get? I may be a bit bias but really!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So it has arrivedth - The not-anticipated - somewhat underwhelming 38th birthday.
I don't feel any older today than I did last night when I went to bed so as such I have decided to henceforth boycott any and all subsequent birthdays. SO THERE!!!!

I do want to share my birthday awakening this morning for it was quite the way to start my day.
My brother called me at approximately 7:45am - When I picked up the phone, I hear what can best be described as utter child chaos! The oldest nephew Sam starts to sing "Happy Birthday" to me which had me chuckling. Then the next oldest nephew Seth breaks into song as well.
In the meantime, I hear by brother who is obviously holding the newest nephew Scott trying to coax him to coo at me on the phone. In the midst of Seth singing however all I hear is Scott letting out what seemed to be the World's Largest Belch!!! I about fell out of bed laughing so hard!! Then my sister in law is trying to get Simon the third youngest nephew to come to the phone and sing for me however he is having none of it. I start chatting with my brother for a bit when out of the blue - Simon starts singing Happy Birthday on the top of his lungs.
It is a hard image to put into words but let me just say that is was an awesome way to start my
birthday!

Nothing too crazy planned for the birthday - I am headed out this afternoon to get my hair cut and colored before the gray takes over completely!!!! Thank God for hair dye!!!
I will be getting my Two for Tuesday Sushi at The Coconut Hut - my local Sushi hookup-
GOD BLESS KU (the owner there- he is awesome!!!) The food there is amazing!!!
If you are ever in or around Geneva, Ohio and you are into Sushi or awesome Burritos -
then be SURE to stop at The Coconut Hut. Tell em JB sent ya!!!!!

MOOD REPORT:

A whole lot of waiting going on....

Where am I right now?
I guess you can call it a holding pattern- waiting on surgery to get my body feeling better - waiting on the trying to conceive thing - that is where I am currently. I really don't mind much as I know it just a means to an end. I am forced to stay in the moment which I guess is probably the best lesson I can take out of all this.

I do feel like Jim and I both had a wonderful Valentines Day!

Jim brought me home a box of Malley's chocolate covered strawberries which were delicious.
He also presented me with something I have really wanted for quite awhile - THE SNUGGIE!!!
Yes - you heard me right - that TV infomercial blanket thingy with arms. I saw them advertising it over the holidays and have wanted one ever since. Well apparently V-day was my lucky day! I was sooooo happy - (yes I am a dork!) Incidentally it is as warm and snuggly as it looks on TV - just in case you wanted to know.

I ended up getting Jim a couple bags of his favorite snack - POPPYCOCK! I am fairly sure he was a happy camper as evidenced by how quickly he stashed those bags away.

Since we are on an official TTC break - there is not much to report. I can say however that it really amazes me how in tune I have become with my body and my cycles as a result of my journey. Even without charting or temping, I can still tell you exactly what cycle day I am on and if I am approaching ovulation or not. I suppose that is has just become second nature to me now. It will probably be something that will never go away and that is okay.
If I have to take something positive away from our TTC journey so far, I would say that not having to worry about birth control is a total plus! I guess it's all in how you look at it!

I will be going for my pre-op testing tomorrow afternoon and then meeting with the surgeon to discuss the surgery and hospital stay. I am glad to be getting this whole process going.
The sooner it's in motion, the sooner its' over and I can heal.

Not much else going on - trying to keep it low key for now.

MOOD REPORT:
That's all for now - HUGS and STUFF!!!

Awwww - look at the kitty!!!!

I could NOT resist - Is this the little cutest kitty or what?
This is our chubby fur monster BABY - A.K.A- Squeakers.
This is a pic of squeakers in total "I'm adorable look at me mode"
He has it down to a science. I especially love the fact he is right in between my monkey
blanket and a certain unnamed hubby's Scooby blankie.

Just had to share - after all he is "our little baby" for now!

Although it has been very rainy since yesterday, I am totally thrilled that the temp is running
between the upper 50's and lower 60's. It's a bit odd for February in NE Ohio but I am
not complaining. The temp will be dropping back down to the 30's tonight but in the meantime
I am just enjoying the lack of snow!

Headed back to work today which was a nice distraction from my "broken body" problems.
I feel amazingly blessed that I have a job in this economy as well as the added bonus of
actually liking what I do. Thank God I have some fantastic co-workers who are almost as insane as I am - they "get me"....LOL!

I am still on slow gears with my body and am just taking it slow. It will be a long three weeks until surgery but at least I know there is an end in sight.
As far as the baby train - Jim and I are now officially on a "forced break" due to the health issues I am having. I am actually pretty okay with that for now. Mostly I want to get to a healthy place where I can enjoy my husband, family and friends again fully. I need to repair this old body first and worry about TTC later. For now, I will just have to get my baby fixes through my nephews and friends children.

MOOD REPORT:
Not much else to report -
Headed off to bed!

Winks!!!

I am completely "phone drunk" today....

Well folks, I have finally done it!!! I succeeded in getting officially "phone drunk"
You know- PHONE DRUNK - the point in your day where you have been on the phone so much that you no longer know what is coming out of your mouth nor do you care!
I had to tie up all the loose ends with my hernia surgery which I had not expected to be a big deal! Boy oh Boy was I ever wrong!

I started with the insurance company to double check that I was using an in-network doc & hospital. Now typically any call I make to the customer support hotline through my medical insurance company takes about 15 minutes - most of which is devoted to hitting the appropriate number so that they can "properly" direct my call. Luckily today it seemed they were on track and I got through without much wait. Got that all handled and moved on to my next call.

Called the docs office for the surgery date and pre-admission testing. Given a surgery date of Wed. Feb. 25th at noon.

Got that set up and had to call all the family & friends who needed to know. Started with hubby at work so that he could take that day off. Called Mom & Dad in The Keys to let them know the date. I then called my boss at work to give her the earliest head's up for planning purposes.
I took a deep breath and was feeling like I had accomplished quite a bit - decided to take a break for a bit and got something to eat.

Sat down to eat and the phone rang...........It was the docs office calling back to say that the surgery had to be rescheduled due to doc being gone from Feb. 18th - 27th.
Rescheduled surgery for Wed. March 4th at noon. Said good-bye and hung up.
Took a HUGE dramatic sigh.....smiled and moved on!

Decided I was getting sick of being on the phone and promptly got on the computer and emailed hubby, mom/dad, and my boss with the updated info.
Finished emailing - had a "curious moment" and googled "ventral hernia surgery repair recovery time" -- started reading and got immediately disgusted and overwhelmed- logged off google
with much haste!!!

So that is my terribly underwhelming Monday this week....
Feeling physically better than last week although still a bit tired however.

MOOD REPORT:
That's all she wrote folks....HUGS!!!

Such a saga.......

I think that sums it up pretty well don't you? If I were only that thin.....hmmmm!!

So here it is Sunday, and my emails are caught up, and I am back to blogging.

This will probably be an amazingly long and drawn out post as it's been quite awhile since I last posted. I am sure most of you know the what's and why's BUT for those of you may have missed out, let me recount my latest medical adventure and bring you up to speed.

So this past Sunday & Monday, I was generally feeling pretty sucky. Emotionally for sure and for added dramatic appeal throw in feeling physically "off" too! I wasn't quite able to put my finger on what was up and in my infinite "medical wisdom" chalked it up to a bit of hernia related discomfort.

Monday evening took some aleve and Tums then headed off to bed with the hopes I would wake up feeling better Tuesday. That did not happen. Woke up to pretty severe belly pain at around 2AM and tried to ride it out for about an hour. Realized it wasn't going away and woke Jim up.
Headed off to ACMC ER to be evaluated. After being tested and evaluated, it was decided that something irregular showed up on my CT scan and that I should tranferred up to UHHS Case since it appeared to be related to my last belly ordeal. It took several hours to find a room for me at UHHS and I was finally transferred.

The long and short of my UHHS hospital stay revolved around managing my pain AND
deciding what was going on. After all was said and done I spent from Tuesday night to Friday afternoon at the hospital and was discharged with a diagnosis of another intussception that resolved itself.
The doc did say that thing that made it hard to diagnose was all the scar tissue from my surgery.
He did say however that BECAUSE of all the scar tissue, that is was unlikely that I would have this problem again. So although it was frustrating while they were trying to figure it out, I am grateful that I have less of a chance of this problem happening again.
Another good thing that happened was that the doc was able to get a good look at both my hernia's while doing all the testing at the hospital.
They recommended that I get hernia repair as soon as possible to help reduce the risk of any other emergent abdominal complications. Fun Fun Fun!!!

On a the bonus side of things......I was NPO (nothing by mouth) til late Thursday and on loads of IV fluids. It seems that because of this, I dropped like 9 pounds in the hospital!!! WOOHOO!!!

Friday I was literally exhausted when I got home - ate a bit of food, peed and went to bed around 8PM - got up once to pee again and then slept another 8 hrs straight. Nothing like your own bed to help restore your energy.

Woke up yesterday a bit tired still and still somewhat achy & sore - wasn't sure what to make of that until I went to the potty - YOU GUESSED IT!!!! Aunt Flo arrived with a vengance!!!
In many ways I was relieved to be able to deal with her as I was recuperating.
(there always has to be a twist to the story!!!)

So 2009 is taking shape rather quickly and seems to be getting filled up with medical intervention at an alarming rate. I know that surgery will suck BUT I do want to take the best care of my body as possible per my New Years resolution.

I did come to one really important realization through all this......
I realized that no matter WHAT path I take on my journey to become a parent, whether it be
natural, assisted reproduction or adoption, that I MUST continue to take care of my body.
I cannot put off medical intervention based on the hopes of one day conceiving.
The reality is that I may never conceive on my own or even with assisted technology.
I have to take care of my body RIGHT NOW no matter what.
I have an incredibly loving husband, family and set of friends that I want to enjoy.

So that is the long-winded update. Thanks for trudging through it!!!

AND Now begins the unbelievably arduous & painful countdown to my 38th birthday.......
9 days and counting......ugghhhhh!!!!

MOOD REPORT:













That's all folks!!!!

Short and sweet...

MOOD UPDATE: not feeling great overall!
Not much up to blogging today - hopefully tomorrow will be better
Will be back then.
HUGS

Martha Stewart - I am not!!!

Just thought this cake was absolutely awesome for SUPERBOWL SUNDAY!!!!
How I dream of having the creativity and skill to put together something as fabulous as
this stadium cake - Alas, my culinary experience is best used in conjunction with the
microwave and various assorted pre-made frozen foods. C'est La Vie!!!!

In my infinite wisdom and lack of better things to do today, I decided to start adding a
daily "MOOD UPDATE" pic to all of my posts.
This way - anyone reading my blog will immediately be able to see what my state of mind is AND can decide accordingly if they want to continue.

Today's MOOD REPORT:There you have it folks - I am all over the place emotionally lately!
Just when I think I have a little bit of peace and serenity - I start down that steep slope
of longing, heartache and frustration!

I will give you a great example - Yesterday, DH and I had a really nice morning together.
We did our own thing, had a "good ole' fashioned NON-babydancing" roll in the hay and generally just enjoyed each others company. We decided to head out to our local Wally World
to catch up on some grocery shopping. I was totally fine until we started heading around the
store. I am not kidding you when I say that it seemed like every infant and toddler in Ashtabula & Lake county was with their parents yesterday. THEY WERE EVERYWHERE!!!!!
It was absolutely crazy how many children were there!!!! I am usually pretty good about that stuff but for some reason, I just got really melancholy!!! I watched these busy parents charging around the store - some oblivious to their children, some annoyed and impatient with their kids, some that just made my skin crawl while they yelled or hit the children.

As I am wheeling the cart up to the check-out, I remember thinking to myself.... "this is how
it may be - watching silently from the outside." "Having a cart full of groceries for Jim and I".
It was an amazingly sad, scary and sobering thought to have. I tried avidly to remind myself
that the place we are at is only temporary and that I need to keep it positive.
It is so much easier said than done however.

So that is where I am at - the place between hope, acceptance, patience, longing and faith!
What a place to be!

This afternoon - Jim and I are off to our friend's house for the SuperBowl - basically so the
men can watch the game, the women can catch up, and everyone eats junk food happily!!!!
Not a bad way to spend a Sunday afternoon!!!

Promise to keep ya'll in the loop!
P.S. For the record - GO STEELERS!!!