Thanksgiving 2009

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I don't think it would be possible for me to list everything I am thankful for this year however because it IS Thanksgiving, I believe it is important to give it a try

I am thankful/grateful for the following:

1. my relationship with G-d
2. my husband and fur babies
3. my family - each and every one
4. my friends -real life and definitely my bloggy ones too
5. my health ( yep -even with all my issues this year)
6. my job & co-workers
7. a roof over my head, food in my belly and money to pay the bills
8. living in a city where I get to experience ALL of the seasons
9. my sobriety
10. love that comes in from the most unexpected places & people

That is just the tip of the iceberg but it's a good start.

I have to get moving as there are three apple cakes in the oven that need to be checked.
Sending my heartfelt love, and thanks to everyone who is reading.
May you have a blessed and wonderful Thanksgiving!!!

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Silent Sunday

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MOOD REPORT:

Friday the 13th is D-Day for me!!!!

D-Day.....hmmmmmm - what could that POSSIBLY mean?

If you guessed "DRAIN DAY" - you win a million dollars!!! (well maybe not a million because honestly I think I only have a few dollars in my monkey purse right now) But you would be correct in your guess. You can pat yourself on the back. If you have been following my medical saga, you know that I have had an abdominal drain in for well over a month now. Well today was the day that blasted thing FINALLY got removed!

Wanna see? You know you do!!
I figure posting a pic of my post-drain-removal, scarred up belly is my way of saying "THANK YOU BELLY" for hanging in there with me:

Can I get a HALLELUJAH and an AMEN? Thank you.

The actual removal process of said drain was amazingly underwhelming to say the least. I guess I had built up this expectation that after having this darned thing in for a month, that it would be a bit painful and difficult to remove......I was wrong. It took all of two seconds to take the stinking thing out. It was not painful - I would describe it as uncomfortable at worst. I actually laughed after the doc finished removing it because I was expecting her to be pulling and pulling for awhile. Here it was all of about 2 inches of tubing inside me so one good tug and it was out.
Now I just have to figure out a safe and non-abrasive way of getting all the tape adhesive off my skin - there is a butt-load of it. I did share my G.LAD Press N Seal tip with the doc who absolutely loved the idea and said she would pass it on!

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In other news: If you check out my sidebar, you will see a new pic/badge:
The Creme de la Creme 2009 award
This is a "best of list" that Mel from Stirrup Queens does every year -

In Mel's words, "...... Awards are nice–it’s good to honour someone and mark big accomplishments. But we all have a best post tucked into our archives. We all have words that have moved another person or ideas that have kicked off a series of musings. Bloggers are writers and all of us deserve to be celebrated. And we’re doing just that."

In a nutshell, this is a list of posts that are submitted by bloggers in the ALI (adoption/loss/infertility) community to "recognize" what each blogger considers to be one of their "best or most moving" posts for the last year.

Since my blog was incredibly new at the time, I chose not to participate last year. However, this year has crept by quickly and it now time to celebrate again. I chose and submitted my post this afternoon. The official list will go up starting Jan 1st - I cannot wait.

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I am going to ask a BIG favor of you all: While we are chatting about favorite posts.........If you have been reading/following my blog for quite some time, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE it if you could leave me a comment on which post was "the most memorable" to YOU. It could be a post that struck a cord in you, or one that had you cracking up - which ever was most memorable! I know which post I picked to submit for Creme de la Creme but I would bet that there are other "favorite" posts everyone else has!

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FELINE UPDATE:

The fur babies are good although both have developed QUITE the catnip habit.....I am starting to worry that I am becoming an enabler. Check out the eyes on Zoey in this pic:

That's all she wrote folks!! Thanks for tuning in on this fair Friday the 13th!!

MOOD REPORT:

Where am I???

So I managed to bring myself back to the world of the living - just barely.

I realized today that I was a bit overwhelmed with where I am.
Despite the fact that things are looking good (finally) I cannot get over the fact that this whole medical drama has literally sucked nearly 1 1/2 yrs of my life away.

My feelings are pretty mixed up about that - I am angry, sad and disgusted. I am frustrated and overwhelmed. I am completely ambivalent about it all:

Did I cause any of this to happen? NO. Do I still feel guilty that it has interrupted everything in my life as well as my husband and family? ABSOLUTELY. I am grateful that none of this stuff was life threatening? YES. I am disgusted and pissed that I had to go through three surgeries, three different surgeons & hospitals, to finally get to a healthy place? YOU BETCHA.

And I have been thinking about this blog... the blog which I started as a place to sound out my thoughts while I went on my journey to start a family.

I have had so much going on medically that I think I felt like I had no business posting here....which explains the disjointed posts of late. I felt like I was no longer part of the IF community and as such, felt out of place posting anything other than family building stuff.

Then suddenly I realized it.......FUCK ...this is MY BLOG.....my thoughts, my life, my world. And yes it did start out with a basis in IF community however life crept up and bit me on the ass.

It does that sometimes....and guess what? It does is to other people too! Amazing...isn't it? I am sure you all understand....I am sure some of you have been there yourself.

So I will write what I want to write....what I need to write....whatever it may be at the moment. I am sure that sometime soon I will venture back to posts about our family building.
For now however....I am here - and that's okay!

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Still waiting on this damn drainage to slow down enough to have the drain pulled. I have a sneaking suspicion that I will feel much better once that's done. Crocheted item quota is reaching critical mass - gotta get out of this house soon!

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Way back in October, my sweet friend Kate over at I Can't Whistle, gave me the
OVER THE TOP AWARD

I feel awful that I have not acknowledged this or passed it on however I did want to at very least say THANK YOU to Kate and spend some time answering the questions that go along with it! If you are interested in finding out more about me.....keep reading...if not..just skip to the mood report at the bottom of this post!

Part of the rules in this state that you can only use ONE word to answer the questions. We shall see about that!!!! The other major rule is to HAVE FUN - I can do that!!! And OFF we go..............

1. Where is your cell phone? TABLE
2. Your hair? GRAYING
3. Your mother? PRICELESS
4. Your father? BULLSHITTER
5. Your favorite food? SUSHI
6. Your dream last night? SCREAMED
7. Your favorite drink? POLAR POP (shit that's two words)
8. Your dream/goal? SERENITY
9. What room are you in? DINING
10. Your hobby? CROCHETING (worrying too if I am honest)
11. Your fear? HURTING SOMEONE
12. Where do you want to be in 6 yrs? FAMILY
13. Where were you last night? BED
14. Something that you aren't? SERIOUS
15. Muffins? NOPE
16. Wish list item? CHILD
17. Where did you grow up? AKRON, OHIO
18. Last thing you did? BELCHED
19. What are you wearing? OUTFIT
20. Your TV? MUTED
21. Your pets? CRAZY
22. Friends? CRAZIER
23. Your life? CRAZIEST
24. Your mood? EVERYWHERE
25. Missing someone? CHILD
26. Vehicle? HYUNDAI
27. Something you are not wearing? MAKEUP
28. Your favorite store? MICHAEL'S
29. Your favorite color? PURPLE
30. When was the last time you laughed? EARLIER
31. Last time you cried? EARLIER
32. Your best friend? CRAZY
33. One place that I go to over and over? WORRY TOWN U.S.A
34. One person who emails me regularly? MOM
35. Favorite place to eat? LITTLE ITALY

WOOT!!! I finished ya'll!!!!

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MOOD REPORT:

Show & Tell - Just a repeat....

Welcome back to SHOW & TELL a la MEL.
Don't forget to hop on over to STIRRUP QUEENS to check out what everyone else is showing....it is always worth the click of the mouse!

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Well last weeks giveaway was not successful - Who would have thought that giving away FERTILITY SUPPLIES would be so hard? In any case, I thought I would re-post the giveaway this week in the hopes someone else might read my blog and contact me. If you wondering what the heck this post is all about - JUST READ MY LAST POST

Here is a pic of the stuff I am giving away:

Again...if you are interested - Just leave me your email in my comments section or email directly at Jen4sushi@roadrunner.com - I will get in touch with you for mailing info!

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Not too much else to share...drain still in - drainage decreasing little by little. Still crocheting like a madwoman and trying to enjoy the beautiful fall leaves.

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UPDATE: Someone has claimed this bounty - HALLELUJAH!!!

MOOD REPORT:

Show & Tell - My Fertility giveaway

It's that time again - Show & Tell a la Mel over at Stirrup Queens.
The time of the week where you get to show off all your great stuff and then hop on over to check out what everyone else is showing!!!

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My Show & Tell for this week is actually going to be a giveaway that is the result of being cooped up in the house for too long! While on my healing hiatus, I have had to become creative in finding things to keep myself busy. For instance, I have become a champion speed napper - You would be totally in awe if ya saw me nod off!!! I have also crocheted enough items to really start annoying family & friend recipients as well. Finally today, I think I went over the edge....I went to grab something out of the medicine cabinet and just started to clean things out.

This is where the giveaway comes in.

I realized I still had a large amount of my "fertility supplies" in there that had not been touched in about 9 months. I think part of me held on to this stuff because I was just not in a place to truly "let go" of the idea of having a biological child. With all the time that has passed as well as all the circumstances, I am now ready to move on.

Having said that....I am passing this lot of goodies on to one of you wonderful ladies out there in hopes that brings you one step closer to your BFP!!!

Unfortunately, I am only able to open this giveaway to my bloggy friends in the U.S. as I am paying for the shipping (sorry my overseas pals)

The lot contains:
34 Internet cheapie Ovulation predictor dip sticks (two different brands)
OPK INSTRUCTIONS
5 Internet cheapie pregnancy test dip sticks
PREG INSTRUCTIONS
*Both of the above groups of tests do not expire until 2010 or later*

1 Clearblue easy digital pregnancy test which has expired but I am throwing in anyway
I am also throwing in a freebie blessing and lots of positive thoughts as well!!!

Since this IS Show & Tell after all....Here is a pic of the items

Show & Tell was the best way I could think of to reach as many IF'ers out there as possible - my following is not a large one so I had to be creative.

If you are interested in this lot....or know someone who could really use it, please just let me know. I really IS that simple!!!
Leave me your name and email in my comments sections and I promise to get in touch with you.
This giveaway is first come - first serve.

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MOOD REPORT:

Happy 1st Blogoversary to me!!!

Can you believe it folks? One year ago today, I started publishing my rants!

It seems much longer than a year but I think that's because I had all this stuff bouncing around in my head before I actually started to write.

My very first post does a pretty good job of giving a run-down of my IF history.

At the time of that first post - We were waiting on results from a pelvic MRI to give us an idea of where we were headed on our infertility journey. After those results came back and the IF doc sat us down to discuss options, it became clear that IVF was really going to be our best shot at a biological child. Just about the time that we were going through all this, I had some serious medical problems which put everything on hold. I had to take an honest look at my health and make the decision to honor my body & health first. This meant giving up the dream of having a biological child and grieving that as well. It took some time, but I worked to find a place of acceptance in that process. In all honesty, I still grieve this fact to this day - but as each day passes it gets a bit easier.

In the midst of all this, Jim and I started seriously re-visiting adoption as a family-building option for us. The more we talked about it, the more it seemed like a good fit. In the late spring of 2009, Jim and I attended the mandatory adoption classes through our county and started on our adoption paperwork as well.

Then my body had another minor break-down. BOO HISS!!!!!
It has taken a few surgeries, lots of recovery time and some incredible support from family & friends to get where I am today. Today I am feeling good - better than I have in months.
I pray that my body continues to heal and that come November, Jim and I will be able to once again actively pursue our adoption plan.
That's my hope anyway....but as I have learned.....you just never know what tomorrow brings!

So there you have it - my life for the last year wrapped up neatly on this blog.
Some of it good and some of it bad - some of it hilarious and some of it heart-breaking.
But definitely, ALL of it MINE!
Life, love and laughter at the heart of it all.

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UPDATE: As it is with my life: My follow-up appt. with the surgeon today did not go as I had planned. The drain I was hoping to have removed, has to stay in until the drainage decreases significantly- probably another week or so. I also have to continue on antibiotics for a month.
The good news is that everything else looks good and I am feeling great. It's a question of patience at this time....but we all know...I DON'T DO patience ya'll!!!

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MOOD REPORT:

Antibiotics, drains and all things spooky

Yep, I made it back...and don't you just LOVE this pumpkin guy?

The long and short of the ongoing saga with my body is as follows:
1. Sept. 24th had corrective abdominal surgery which was successful
2. Spent the next three weeks healing great without difficulty from above surgery
3. Beginning of third week I developed symptoms that I thought was the flu (I was wrong!)
4. Spent a few miserable days with high fevers and severe body aches
5. Then developed swelling, redness and pain over healing incision additionally
6. Finally went back to E.R. to get re-checked
7. Large fluid abscess found in abdomen - A ha.....there's the problem!
8. Started on heavy duty antibiotics and abdominal drain placed.
9. Spent one night in hospital then insisted I go home where there are less germies
10. At home, taking antibiotics, drain still in place - Feeling MUCH better!

So there you have it - nothing too exciting.
Just me, a handful of pills and this darned drain (which is a total pain in my ass)

For those of you who are nosy or like seeing this kind of stuff (and I know you are out there)
Here is a current pic of my poor belly - it has seen better days!

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Not too much else going on - hoping doc takes the drain out this week!
It has been a handful to deal with - however please allow me to share a great tip I learned while having this drain - my home-going instructions said I could shower but I was to try and keep the spray off the drain site as much as possible. I decided to try and use some of that Glad Press and Seal wrap to cover the drain site area. I took off a fairly large piece and lo and behold it stuck beautifully to my belly without ANY tape or anything. It kept the entire area completely dry while I showered and it never came off. I would recommend it to anyone to cover casts, incision sites or anything else that is not supposed to get wet. It worked for me!!! Gotta love a free shout out for a product too....Thanks GLAD company!

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I am hoping to back to full speed here in the next two weeks - crossing my fingers!
Although I have not been blogging much, please know I am doing my best to keep tabs on everyone - family, in-real-life friends and bloggy friends too!
Missing you all very much!

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Just cuz' this pic is too cute!

MOOD REPORT:

Out of order!!!!

Body under-going repairs.....shop says it should take about a week
Promise to be back up and running soon!
Hugs and Smooches til then.

Mood Report:

Super Sushi Tuesday...so nice to be back!

A SUSHI RING - can you believe it???
(courtesy of ELLEBAN'S CUTIES Etsy shop)

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Back again for another episode of.....SUPER SUSHI TUESDAY!
It's the day of the week that I devote ENTIRELY to all the little things that put a smile on your face and a warm feeling in your heart!

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This week for my SUPER SUSHI SOMETHING it is all about gratitude!
I was truly humbled and touched with the number of people who wrote, emailed and called me during and after this last surgery. When I was straightening the house yesterday, I happened to gather up part of the get well cards that had been sent and it just made me stop and think.

Here is a pic of just some of those cards:

I am overwhelmed with gratitude - thank you for every thought, prayer, call, visit, care package and most of all love. I am blessed to have such an amazing support system.
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MOOD REPORT:

Pondering Monday.....

"Nap time for the kitties"

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Not too much to tell in the land of healing bellies......incision is still healing (slowly but healing nonetheless) I am in the itchy stage of incisional healing which sometimes just sucks tiddlywinks!!!
The age old dilemma......to scratch or not to scratch...that is the questions.
I am still feeling so much better than I did before the surgery - WOOT WOOT!!! Trying avidly to keep myself as busy as possible without overdoing it....which is a real juggling act I must say! Hubby and I have been working on re-arranging the house a bit. (Hubby doing the actual moving while I delegate) We moved our bedroom downstairs and moved MY Ebay office upstairs. This means that hubby and I will now be sharing a larger combined Ebay office. It will be our first time sharing a work space together - so I am holding my breath to see how it works out. We shall see!

In my attempts at keeping myself busy during the day, I picked back up my crocheting.

Now I definitely feel I need to qualify here to all the TRUE knitters/crocheter/crafty people out there.......I use the terms "my crocheting" very lightly. I am a true NOVICE in every sense - don't know a thing about patterns or fancy stitches. Never read a how-to book on crocheting in my life. Even though my mom taught me the basics of crocheting when I was like 10 years old, I never really picked it up as a hobby until I was in my late twenties. When I decided to quit smoking the first time around (I am a second time quitter...hehe) I needed something to keep my hands busy. I decided on crocheting and it really did help me in that endeavor. (um yeah...until I started again) I made a Sh*tload of half-ass scarves and other odds & ends. (my family was OH SO delighted to get them as surprise presents....NOT!!!) I taught myself about three different stitches and have stuck with them. I played around trying to figure out how to make different shapes (sometimes with great success and sometimes not)

So while I sit home here recuperating, I decided to pick back up this old hobby and see where it took me. I think my official count of "crocheted items" is at four with another project in progress. I made a scarf, a couple of purses, and a hanging kitchen dishtowel.
I will post pics of a few of the items but please note....they are not great.....lots of missed stitches, uneven rows, etc. Most importantly, I had fun trying!!!

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While sitting on the front porch swing crocheting the other day, I was suddenly overwhelmed by this strange sense of melancholy. It actually made me stop what I was doing and think for a few minutes. I looked around and tried to take in my surroundings in that moment, wondering if somehow that was what was triggering my sad feelings. I noticed the beauty in the autumn leaves and the squirrels across the street scampering around gathering their winter bounty. I noticed the neighborhood children on their bikes riding up and down the street, yelling at one another. I noticed our neighbors quietly raking up leaves and weather-proofing their houses.
None of this seemed to be the root of my sadness.

Then I looked down at my hands - my hands holding all this lovely colorful yarn. Yarn that I was using to crochet projects for friends and family. Yarn that had been used to crochet baby shower gifts over the last few years. Yarn that I was sure I would soon get to use for US...for OUR CHILD...for OUR FAMILY...and Yet, here I was - in the same place I was a few years ago.
Crocheting for others.
I guess that's okay....it has to be...it's my reality for now.

But it did make me sad to think about it.
Funny how this Infertility monster creeps up in the weirdest places and at the strangest times.
Apparently that's the nature of the beast.

MOOD REPORT:

Show & Tell - Where the H*ll have I been?

Did ya' miss me? Just a little? Bet ya did!!
It's that time again - Show & Tell a la Mel over at Stirrup Queens.
The time of the week where you get to show off all your great stuff and then hop on over to check out what everyone else is showing!!!

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Sorry for the extended absence -I had my surgery which put all things on hold for a bit but was amazingly successful!!!

I will try to explain a bit without making this too long - The original mesh that had been put in for my hernias was infected and my body had been rejecting it for several months. I saw several surgeons who kept telling me that either I had adhesions or that nothing was wrong. I continued to have problems and knew that something was not right. Finally, I got pissed off enough that I did some research and found lots of information showing that the type of mesh that was used in me, had a very bad track record. It had actually been voluntarily recalled by the makers in 2007 after many complaints to the FDA. I then researched finding a hernia specialist that might help me. I ended up seeing a doc that had taken care of me in 2008 when all my belly problems had started. He not only knew my medical history but agreed immediately that the mesh was the problem. He said the other docs were absolutely WRONG and that he was sorry I went all that time without someone treating me. The surgery involved him going in and removing the infected mesh - he then replaced it with a much safer mesh combination. When I woke up after surgery, I knew things had finally been fixed!
Needless to say I am feeling much better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you all will indulge me, I thought for Show & Tell this week, I would show off a few things.

1. Starting with a pic of my healing belly.....Now if you get queasy easily or just don't like looking at body parts....THIS IS YOUR WARNING TO LEAVE NOW!!!

This pic shows part of the incision line - I had 60 staples in all - I have since had most of the staples removed with about 5 remaining to help one area that is taking longer to heal. Please know that I am pushing myself to post this pic because it shows my chubby belly-stretch marks and all.

I am feeling SOOOOO much better after this surgery and believe that I am finally on the road to a complete recovery - WOOT!!!!!

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2. The second pic is our highly unsuccessful attempt at dressing up Zoey for Halloween. The shirt says " SPOOKY" which you probably won't be able to see in the pic. Every time we actually got the shirt on her and put her down, she would fall over. It was hilarious....it was like she felt she could NOT move at all with it on.
(I know I know....we torture that cat....but it's SOOOO fun ya'll!)

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The third pic I am posting was sadly taken this morning......The utter destruction captured in it is appalling. I am asking for ANY information leading to capture and arrest of this devious "mini-blind bandit" Please help STOP this madness!!!!

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I hope to be back to my old blogging self soon - hang in there with me!
Smooches!!!

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MOOD REPORT:

Show & Tell - I am so "grapeful" today!!!

Here we are again boys and girls - SHOW & TELL a la Mel - the time of the week where you get to show off all your great stuff and see what everyone else is showing too!

Don't forget to pop on over to MEL'S STIRRUP QUEENS to see all the goodies!!!

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This weeks S & T is all about my support for a wonderful annual event that takes place this weekend in my home town of Geneva, Ohio. It is called THE GRAPE JAMBOREE~!

Let me give you a bit of background:
Apparently (and as I have learned since moving to Geneva) grape growing takes the perfect combination of weather and soil in order to yield a healthy vineyard. As it turns out - my tiny little sleeper town of Geneva meets all those conditions. In our county, we have somewhere around 8-10 winery's and probably closer to 15 vineyards. Not too shabby when you consider that this OHIO and not...let's say.......California.

The Geneva Grape Jamboree celebrates the harvesting of the local grapes. Visitors may taste freshly squeezed grape juice, wine, and various other grape products. It is full of some of the best assortment of fried fair foods you have ever had, rides, games, booths, parades and more.

This is the 46th year this festival is being celebrated.....which I think is fabulous!!!
Now to my S & T which is why you are all here.
Yesterday I decided to go all out and show my support for this great festival . I decked myself out in my best "grapey" ensemble before I headed off to work and this is how I looked......

Now if you are asking yourself why I chose to do my "grapey" best during the middle of the week - I will remind you fair readers that I am scheduled for surgery Thursday afternoon. I did NOT want to miss out in showing MY support so I just did it a bit early. The best part was that no one in town blinked an eye when I made my rounds yesterday. Everyone just LOVED IT!!

P.S. - Trying to paint a bunch of grapes on your face at 7:15am with the kitten from HELL getting into your paint - is not as easy as it looks! I would not recommend it to anyone!

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I will hopefully only be in the hospital a few days but the internet connection there is touchy at best - I won't be posting til I am home from the hospital. I am aiming for this time next week!
I promise to catch up my bloggy reading then.

Hugs and Smooches til then my friends!

MOOD REPORT:

Zoey reduces her carbon footprint.......

I did not know she was so earth conscience.
Who woulda' thunk?

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Mood report:

Show & Tell + a total meltdown!

Here we are again boys and girls - SHOW & TELL a la Mel - the time of the week where you get to show off all your great stuff and see what everyone else is showing too!

Don't forget to pop on over to MEL'S STIRRUP QUEENS to see all the goodies!!!

***To be followed by an emotional vent of epic proportions***
YOU HAVE BEEN FOREWARNED!

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As I have been running a bit low on energy - I am also running a bit low on the choices of cool and amazing things to share with you all for S & T.

However, as most of you know I am quite determined at times and when I set my mind to it, I can be downright obsessive. In that vain, I managed to dig up a few special pics to share with you all this week. Hope this puts a smile on your face!
(I am secretly hoping that it will put a smile on my face as well)

I would like to introduce you all to a couple of my new friends.
They just moved in with my neighbors last week and are the stars of the neighborhood!

INTRODUCING.....Madison & Mason:

This is MASON

This is MADSION

They are eight weeks old and absolutely a blast!!!
Madison is a total spaz and bully while Mason is very laid back and sweet.

I get to see them every morning when I go out to my car on my way to work.
I have to say it's a great way to start the day!

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Vent of Epic proportions by Jenn:

My disclaimer: If you are a friend, family member or co-worker who might be reading this post today, I ask you to keep in mind that this is my place to lay it all out - good or bad, right or wrong, crazy or sane. My rantings are NOT directed at anyone personally.

I woke up this morning rather abruptly (thanks to the big fat orange monster - aka-Babycat)
It was the kind of waking up that leaves you feeling tired, shaky and generally crappy all day long. My belly had been somewhat bothersome all night so I know I did not sleep soundly. I truly wanted nothing more than to go back to bed.

Instead, I forced my ass up and got ready for work.

Dragged my butt into work and basically tried to occupy myself with tasks for the first few hours. All the while, I am slamming my DD coffee and downing a few bagelfuls.

The early afternoon is where things went awry - In the space of about two hours, I was handed the dreaded news that most infertiles fear getting and loathe dealing with.

The "I am preggers" announcement.
Not once BUT twice!

One co-worker's sister (whom I had passed on a fertility book to) finally got pregnant after using some hefty IF drugs.
Another co-worker, who also had gone through IF problems, found out she was pregnant as well.

So two announcements in one morning.

I think I did pretty well considering the absolute cluster fuck of emotions that flooded my heart in the seconds following each announcement.
I even managed to ask if I could hug my co-worker while wishing her well.

Now I know that WITHOUT a doubt I was absolutely thrilled that these two ladies beat the odds in their IF journey. It felt like they both gave a big old F-you to Infertility.
For that I was so damn happy.

But also in that same moment...I felt this swell of emotions come bubbling up. I could feel it coming, rumbling and knew that it was NOT going to be good. I decided that the quickest and best course of action was to head off to lunch a half hour early.

I got into my truck, dialed mom on my cell phone and made it half way up the road before I totally broke down.

When I say broke down - I mean utterly and totally from the depths of my soul - fell apart.
I probably sobbed, yelled, and vented for a good 25 minutes.

Thank you Mom - I love you - what else can I say?

Guess I still have some Infertility grief to deal with - well shit!

How can you grieve something you want yet have never had?

I managed to get enough of that emotional crap out to be able to get myself back together within the hour and head back to work.
Red cheeked and snot-nosed but back to work nonetheless.

It was a long afternoon - my heart was really not in it.
I am pretty sure my closest co-workers knew my heart was hurting - and they knew why.
They know about MY infertility journey.
I love them for just letting me be me - good or bad.

I will need some time to process the day.
Leaving that for another day - gonna head off to bed early tonight.
Thank God for new day tomorrow!

MOOD REPORT

Super Sushi Tuesday - a lesson in patience.

Here we are again folks....SUPER SUSHI TUESDAY!!!
It's the day of the week I devote to all the little things that put a smile on your face.

You know - like when the girl at the Dunkin Donuts throws you a freebie donut with your AM coffee OR when your hubby shows up on one of your particularly bad days with a bag of your favorite white chocolate.

Just that little extra special something - the one that puts a smile on your face!

My Super Sushi Something this week is this adorable frog pin that my dear friend, Linda got me.

It's a special reminder from her to me - FROG = Forever rely on God.
Something I often forget and can use a daily reminder of!!! Especially lately!
Thanks LINDA - LOVE YOU MUCH.

Don't forget to leave a comment with YOUR SUPER SUSHI SOMETHING!!!!!

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You are probably saying to yourself...."where the heck have you been Jenn?
Your posts have been hit and miss - here and there -
WE MISS YOU!!!
To be honest....I miss you all more!

I guess the best I can say at this point is....."Where do I start?"

So much has gone on with this old body of mine over the last two years - Lately, it's all I can do to keep my head above water emotionally not to mention physically.

Aside from all the medical crap going on - which by the way - necessitates me undergoing yet another open abdominal surgery next week, I am doing my darndest to keep myself in an emotionally neutral zone. And before you say....."Jenn, why aren't you thinking positive?" I am aiming for neutral and not positive simply out of sheer self-preservation. The emotional energy I have put forth to keep my sanity in all this, wears me out nearly as quickly as all the physical stuff. Add in a bad day with pain and HOLY SHIT...can things get tough.

So here I am - working through it all - hoping & praying that THIS surgery works.
Not posting too much because after all.......people gotta be getting tired of listening to my woes and in all honesty, I am kind of sick of it myself.
I truly wish I had more energy - I do miss keeping up with all my bloggy friends and have done my very best to try and touch base with some of you.
For those of you I missed - I am sorry - just know you are in my thoughts!
I PROMISE!!!

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Adoption plans are still on hold until all this medical shit is dealt with.
Does it break my heart? - ABSOLUTELY
Do I know that the timing is not right? - ABSOLUTELY
Do I wish things were different and that we could be moving forward?
YES YES and YES again.

What I do know definitively is that I must be in better place, physically, emotionally and spiritually before we consider proceeding any further on our adoption journey.
I want to be able to put my best foot forward and know that for the moment, that is just not possible with the way things stand.

So back to what all us infertiles know best.............wait.....time.....patience.
That just sucks pickles sometimes!

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Zoey pic of the week:

MOOD REPORT: