Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Where am I???


So I managed to bring myself back to the world of the living - just barely.

I realized today that I was a bit overwhelmed with where I am.
Despite the fact that things are looking good (finally) I cannot get over the fact that this whole medical drama has literally sucked nearly 1 1/2 yrs of my life away.

My feelings are pretty mixed up about that - I am angry, sad and disgusted. I am frustrated and overwhelmed. I am completely ambivalent about it all:

Did I cause any of this to happen? NO. Do I still feel guilty that it has interrupted everything in my life as well as my husband and family? ABSOLUTELY. I am grateful that none of this stuff was life threatening? YES. I am disgusted and pissed that I had to go through three surgeries, three different surgeons & hospitals, to finally get to a healthy place? YOU BETCHA.

And I have been thinking about this blog... the blog which I started as a place to sound out my thoughts while I went on my journey to start a family.

I have had so much going on medically that I think I felt like I had no business posting here....which explains the disjointed posts of late. I felt like I was no longer part of the IF community and as such, felt out of place posting anything other than family building stuff.

Then suddenly I realized it.......FUCK ...this is MY BLOG.....my thoughts, my life, my world. And yes it did start out with a basis in IF community however life crept up and bit me on the ass.
It does that sometimes....and guess what? It does is to other people too! Amazing...isn't it? I am sure you all understand....I am sure some of you have been there yourself.
So I will write what I want to write....what I need to write....whatever it may be at the moment. I am sure that sometime soon I will venture back to posts about our family building.
For now however....I am here - and that's okay!

..........................

Still waiting on this damn drainage to slow down enough to have the drain pulled. I have a sneaking suspicion that I will feel much better once that's done. Crocheted item quota is reaching critical mass - gotta get out of this house soon!

........................

Way back in October, my sweet friend Kate over at I Can't Whistle, gave me the
OVER THE TOP AWARD
I feel awful that I have not acknowledged this or passed it on however I did want to at very least say THANK YOU to Kate and spend some time answering the questions that go along with it! If you are interested in finding out more about me.....keep reading...if not..just skip to the mood report at the bottom of this post!

Part of the rules in this state that you can only use ONE word to answer the questions. We shall see about that!!!! The other major rule is to HAVE FUN - I can do that!!! And OFF we go..............


1. Where is your cell phone? TABLE
2. Your hair? GRAYING
3. Your mother? PRICELESS
4. Your father? BULLSHITTER
5. Your favorite food? SUSHI
6. Your dream last night? SCREAMED
7. Your favorite drink? POLAR POP (shit that's two words)
8. Your dream/goal? SERENITY
9. What room are you in? DINING
10. Your hobby? CROCHETING (worrying too if I am honest)
11. Your fear? HURTING SOMEONE
12. Where do you want to be in 6 yrs? FAMILY
13. Where were you last night? BED
14. Something that you aren't? SERIOUS
15. Muffins? NOPE
16. Wish list item? CHILD
17. Where did you grow up? AKRON, OHIO
18. Last thing you did? BELCHED
19. What are you wearing? OUTFIT
20. Your TV? MUTED
21. Your pets? CRAZY
22. Friends? CRAZIER
23. Your life? CRAZIEST
24. Your mood? EVERYWHERE
25. Missing someone? CHILD
26. Vehicle? HYUNDAI
27. Something you are not wearing? MAKEUP
28. Your favorite store? MICHAEL'S
29. Your favorite color? PURPLE
30. When was the last time you laughed? EARLIER
31. Last time you cried? EARLIER
32. Your best friend? CRAZY
33. One place that I go to over and over? WORRY TOWN U.S.A
34. One person who emails me regularly? MOM
35. Favorite place to eat? LITTLE ITALY

WOOT!!! I finished ya'll!!!!

.......................
MOOD REPORT:

5 comments:

imafishey said...

I'm struggling with the same thing and I'm stuck. I have so much that I want to post, but I can't because I don't really know where I fit in anymore. We'll get through this together MyFriend. I'm glad you're feeling better though, that drain will come out soon and you'll be on top of the world again!
*Lots of Hugs & Kisses* =)

Caitlin said...

I can't imagine how hard your journey has been...to have even more medical drama piled on top. I send a special wish out for you, too today...that a special adoption falls into your lap in 2010.

Hope you start feeling better soon and can get out of the house and do something! ((hugs))

Lynn said...

I'm so sorry life has bitten you in the butt lately! However, this is YOUR blog and I feel you should post whatever you want to!

I found your blog via the wish link at Mel's place. While I wasn't the one to comment on your blog officially, your wish made me want to stop by and give you some hope! A couple of weeks ago we had an adoption opportunity "fall into our lap" if you will. The cost is not expected to be as much as it could have been through an agency. So miracles do happen and I'll be praying one does for you as well!

mekate said...

Please just write whatever you want to! i love hearing you here always!
and thanks for taking up the challenge of the award-

I want so much for you to feel healthy and whole and well! And yes, you will feel (and heal) a whole lot better once the drain is out.

Here's hoping!
with love and hugs,
Kate

Beautiful Mess said...

That's right! It is your blog! You can do whatever you want to do with it, love! We're here for YOU, and if you need us for support becuase of the medical stuff you're going through, then we're here for YOU! I hope you're feeling better soon, love. Sending you SO much healing JUJU!
*HUGS*