I love my boobies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Got to wear one of the "new bras" that I got the other day......

OMG - it was unbelievable!

I could not keep my eyes and hands off my boobs all day!

My boobs were actually where they belong as opposed to their normal daily migration south.

I had to give my co-workers a disclaimer about why I was feeling myself up all day.
(not that they would bat an eyelash at my behavior anyway)

I am giving a big old SHOUT OUT to PLAYTEX.....THANK YOU for that bra!!!!
My boobs have not looked this good since I was in my twenties!

On to non-tata related topics....

My body has been acting very odd this week:
I have been..........
Amazingly tired (sleeping soundly)
Belly very sore (mostly last two days)
Spotting on and off (AF came and went over the weekend)
Emotions all over the place (not anything new but thought I would mention it)

WTF????????????

Can anyone out there give me thoughts, opinions, ideas on this......
I am at a total loss!

Zoey is biting my feet and hubby is whining for me to come to bed soon.

Not much else to share!

Hugs and Kitty kisses!

MOOD REPORT:

Can Kittens have A.D.D.?????

Someone should have warned us about the energy a 7 wk old kitten has once she is feeling better!!! OMG - can you say Spasticat? I thought you could!!!
She is literally all over the place.
It's hilarious to watch her go bananas for an hour and then as quickly as she started, she nods off into a power kitty nap!

Her upper respiratory infection is all gone and her eye is nearly healed thank goodness!
( It only took two trips to the vet and $151.00 later)

Let me also share that our Zoey is quite the eater.....when we took her to the vet a week and a half ago, she weighed exactly 1lb. The other day hubby took her upstairs and put her on our postal scale ...........................wait for it...............wait for it..............................................................

She weighed 1lb 6.2oz - YES you heard right....she gained 6.2oz in just one week.
And here I was all worried about her not eating the first few days we had her - Sheesh!!!
What was I thinking????

She has generally spent the last few days being a total terror to our other cat "Baby"

Apparently she does not quite understand that when Baby hisses, growls or bats at her that he is trying to scare her off. She thinks this is "fun" and "playtime" and continues to just follow Baby around everywhere he roams!!! It's like the little sister just following her older brother everywhere until he yells at her to go home!!! (except she doesn't listen very well)

I decided that staying in yesterday's funk was nothing but tiresome and futile.

Today brought a slightly improved mood and outlook.

Still not happy about what is going on with my body however I am trying to honor it no matter
where I am at. That is such a tough thing. I have never been too good to my body.

Maybe it's time I start.

I did convince hubby to take a short walk with me after dinner....figured the exercise and fresh air couldn't hurt!! It felt pretty good.

One small step at a time I guess.......wish I could just make one big leap and everything would be great.

Alas, that has never been the path that has been laid out for me.
Probably a really good reason for that too!

Betcha I would have missed a lot along the way......YEAH...I am sure I would have missed a lot!

Next week starts our adoption/foster classes......
Feels like a mixed bag of emotions with that.

Excitement
Fear
Anxiety
Anger
Joy
Hopefulness
Confusion

and so on.............

Trying to just be present for today......
That is so hard!!!

MOOD REPORT:

Have I mentioned that I HATE roller coasters?

Emotional roller coasters that is.

After many failed attempts at trying to find an appropriate graph pic on google to describe the emotional ride I have been on, I gave up and took out a marker and paper.

Exhibit A: Above graph pictorial (fairly lame and highly generic)
Twas the best I could do.

So yesterday and today are not my best days.

Had grand plans of heading into Akron yesterday to spend the afternoon with my friend and mom . We were going to get some REAL chinese for a change as opposed to the "Americanized" crap we have up here in Geneva.

Making a long story short -Spent most of Sunday night and monday morning in the bathroom.
It's truly amazing how a bad case of the stomach flu can take so much energy out of you.
Needless to say I have not been out of the house for more than 10 minutes for fear of not being close enough to a potty.

Aunt Flo was in town this weekend which is normally enough in and of itself to send my fairly stable moods into spastic overdrive!!

The kicker with her arrival THIS cycle was that she was about 3-4 days early which would not be a big deal normally except that this is the second cycle that has shortened lately.
In other words, the second half of my cycle - called the luteal phase which is supposed to stay the same, has gotten shorter.
I have always been between 12-13 days long which is considered normal in the TTC world.
Suddenly I have had a cycle with a luteal phase of 11 days and then 9 days this cycle.

Let me try to explain why this might be bothersome:
A shortening luteal phase combined with my advanced maternal age of 38 and my FSH/estrogen ratio can mean that I am entering into a lovely thing called peri-menopause.
That period of time when your body starts sending out all things "halt" to your reproductive organs. It's sort of like a company spending a few months gearing up for lay-offs.
It's uncomfortable and sucks but gives everyone some time to "accept" the inevitable.
So that is where I think I am....... Let's call it "PERI-MENOPAUSE LIMBO"
No way to know for sure however it's a hunch I have.
It is pretty disheartening to think that I might be headed in that direction and am still childless.
It is hard to explain how I can be upset or sad even though we aren't trying anymore.
The idea of my body starting to officially shut down my ovaries just breaks my heart.
Even though we are not TTC
Even though we really had little chance of success on our own
Even though we are pursing adoption

Hubby has been trying avidly to understand and be supportive but I know he doesn't completely get how I can be sad about losing my fertility if we are going to adopt. In his mind, it probably makes no sense whatsoever! It's so tough to try and explain to men.

So that is where I am at.......
Emotionally labile and in fertility limbo I guess.

Even trying to focus on the positive things has been half-assed at best.

Loving up my fur-ball Zoey has been a mixed bag - She is adorable and I love her to death but the longing for a child or our own becomes amazingly strong the more time I spend with her.

Guess the idea of getting a fur-baby to appease my baby-longing did not quite work out the way that we had intended. Oh well......we got a cutie either way!

I guess the other thing that has been really hard to deal with lately is that so many of my TTC buddies online have recently gotten their surprise BFP's.
On the one hand, I am so incredibly happy and thrilled for these ladies as they have all truly battled to get preggers.
On the other hand, It is so very hard to feel left behind.

It's like being the kid at the back of the class who is the last one to be picked for teams EXCEPT that the bell rings before you can even get picked last. It's over before you even get the chance to start.

Feel like I am blathering on today.....obviously not a particularly upbeat or positive post but
at least it's honest. Best I can do for today.

MOOD REPORT: