The Infertile Sushi-loving princess

a blog of another color......

2011-01-14T07:13:00.000-05:00

Hi all

I know that it's been awhile but I thought I should post here.

I have decided to come back to the blogosphere elsewhere,

and wanted to let all my wonderful bloggy friends know.

(Just in case you were interested )

You will find me now over at:

Barren, Broken and Beginning again

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Please know however that if you choose to go check it out,

I think you will find the tone and feeling of this new blog

to be MUCH different and definitely more raw.

Keep this in mind if you want to follow.

If you don't want to follow or check it out - that's alright with me.

Maybe then just consider this a quick hello to say I miss you all and although you might not

know it - I do check in on you periodically.

Much Love and Peace to everyone.

MOOD REPORT:

Closing - everything must go!!!

2010-06-22T07:29:00.007-04:00

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Hi folks - it's been quite some time since I have written and to be perfectly honest, even longer since I could even THINK about coming back to this blog to post.

Over the last 6 months, I have felt this guilt and weight building in my heart.
I felt like I bailed on all my family and friends in the blogosphere after I stopped writing here.

Although it was something I needed to do for my sanity at the time, I just could NOT bring myself to share my true feelings here in an open forum - that is until today.

"So why now?" - you are wondering. Please allow me to share.

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I am sure most of you that followed this blog were and still are aware of the journey that Jim and I have traveled in hopes of bringing a child home.

Here is a recap just to bring everyone up to speed.
We started our journey the old fashioned way, then went to basic medical help, followed that by getting significant medical intervention, which was followed by pursing the beginning stages of adoption, and finally having to place everything on hold due to health issues.

Fast forward to Mother's Day this year - what a very mixed holiday.
Loving having my mother around to enjoy, cherish and spend time with.
Hating yet another year passing without a child in my arms or to call ME "mom".
Talk about conflicted.

After the holiday, I found all of these feelings that I thought I had managed to keep at bay for myself as well as Jim, come bubbling up and spewing out.

I felt like I was falling apart and drowning in emotion about this childlessness, all the while thinking to myself....."I thought I was over all this" - pretty stupid thinking eh?

I knew it was time for me to do something about this mess of emotions for myself but just as importantly, it was time to do something for Jim as well as our relationship.

I decided to sit down with Jim to talk about all this and see what came out. It was a heavy, emotion-filled discussion to say the least.

I heard myself saying many things that truly surprised me -

that I knew the "conceiving on our own" chapter of our journey was over

that given the above statement, maybe it was time for me to consider a hysterectomy (to help with my increasingly awful periods)

that the "conceiving with the help of friends eggs/surrogates" could never happen due to finances

that given the statement above, it is bittersweet to have actual friends who love you enough to put this type of offer out there, but then can't help you because of the finances.

that although I wasn't totally giving up on the possibility of domestic adoption, I knew we would not be able to pursue traditional avenues (adoptions agencies or lawyers) due to finances

that I wasn't even sure if I wanted to continue to pursue adoption as a possibility due to the incredibly invasive nature of the process (home study, etc)

It was also pretty clear after some honest sharing from Jim (which is something he does NOT do often) that he had a ton of mixed emotions as well!

I don't know that there was an "official" decision that we came to after our talk however I do know that I felt better for having put it out there and it seemed to have helped Jim as well.

In the end - I realized I needed to close some of the chapters in this journey.
I needed to let go of some of the guilt and sadness in order to move forward.

I knew one of those chapters involved coming back to this blog and closing it for good.
It sounded so scary and sad - It was such a final decision - it was something I couldn't imagine
I managed to put it off for a few months and then along came Father's Day.

And, There it was - my cue, my reminder, my nudge.

So here I am- struggling through my tears to finish this chapter of my story.
Not sure what to say other than THANK YOU.

Thank you for following me and supporting me in this leg of my journey
Hoping you will be there as I open a new chapter in my life.

Love you all.

JENN

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MOOD REPORT:

Time for Show & Tell......well sort of!

2010-01-21T07:35:00.003-05:00

It's that time again folks (and yes it has been awhile)
Time for Show & Tell...a la Mel over at Stirrup Queen s.
Don't forget to pop over and check out what everyone else is showing!!!

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This is going to be a total cheat of a post since I am copying my last one but honestly I believe it is totally Show & Tell worthy!!! Hope you agree!!!

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I would like to share my latest burst of crochet energy. I believe you might enjoy it - It WAS and IS truly something to behold.

So for your viewing pleasure I am posting pics of latest crochet venture:
Hope you enjoy!!!
(details of this collections to follow)

Just when you thought crocheting was for Granny...

2010-01-17T15:26:00.008-05:00

Yep.....it's an actual "Hamburger dress" that was created entirely by crocheting & sewing!

Courtesy of Joy Kampia

Holy imaginative skill batman......I am SOOOOO freakin jealous that someone could be that talented and creative with crochet.

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Although I am nowhere near as talented as Joy, I would like to share my latest burst of crochet energy. I believe you might enjoy it - It WAS and IS truly something to behold.

So for your viewing pleasure I am posting pics of latest crochet venture:
Hope you enjoy!!!
(details of this collections to follow)

So there you have it - my very first attempt at an "ensemble"
What' s that? It's not what you were expecting?
Well to be honest....it's not what I would have expected for my first venture
in multiple matching pieces.
This "collection" evolved out of a conversation I was having one slow afternoon, with one of my favorite co-workers. The possibility of crocheting a thong had truly NEVER entered my mind until we had that conversation. Once the idea was suggested, the collection just sort of evolved on it's own. It was created over a long weekend and was presented proudly to my friend. She promptly turned beet red and slipped the pieces into her cubby until she went home for the day.
I did make her PROMISE to put the whole ensemble on for her husband - which by the way I believe she did. My understanding is that it got good reviews!!!!

Not too shabby eh?

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The weather FINALLY warmed up a bit and when I say warmed up, I mean went from the temps in the 'teens to temps in the upper 30's and low 40's.
It is a banner heatwave I say!!!

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I would like to send out a special SHOUT OUT to my friend Dani over at Life Induces thoughts, mostly random. She and her family are having one heck of a time!
I am thinking of her and if you have a second - please send her some hugs.
She most certainly needs them!!!!!

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She may be getting big and growing up BUT she's still my "fur baby"!!!

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MOOD REPORT:

101 things you can do with snow.........

2010-01-11T13:28:00.004-05:00

Yep that's a pic of our backyard - Bet you can't find our back steps anywhere in this pic...

Despite my teaser of a title, I am NOT actually planning on boring you with a list of 101 things to actually do with snow - after all....that would take effort (and well - it's Monday)

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However I will bore you with our local snow details
And when I say snow, I don't mean your average winter several inch pile up........NOPE....I am talking about the kind of snow the Weather Channel refers to when talking of "persistent snowbands" The kind of snow that you have to trek through that comes up to your lower thigh. Snow that when plowed off to the side of the road, blocks your line of sight when you go to turn. Snow that has literally been falling non-stop with only a few breaks for us to catch up.
We are probably at about 2 1/2 ft by now - seriously...and it's still falling.

Fucking Lake effect snow!

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So a brief update on things around The Barnhouse abode:

I am mostly healed up from the last surgery - just dealing with an immune system that is in the pooper. The infectious disease doc says that after everything I have been through...it will take several months for me to rebuild my immunity. In the meantime, I just have to be careful about who I am around (gotta watch my runny nose nephews, etc)

Jim and I are mostly in a holding pattern right now as far as any major plans. Gotta work on paying off some medical bills and such. The adoption stuff is on the back burner until further notice - I figure we both need some time to regroup after last year.

Work has been consistent for both Jim and I - I am eternally grateful for that. I have watched and heard about so many friends losing their jobs this last year. I will say that it does put things in perspective when you have a bad work day.

We are continuing to sell on Ebay quite successfully and that has been a real lifesaver too.
PLUG to follow.........> Ebay seller - Scubaheb936y <...........look us up!

I have continued to practice my crocheting skills and have actually picked up a few new tricks to add to my meager arsenal. Mostly I have had fun figuring out how to execute the objects I want to make. Makes for a lot of pulling out stitches but then every object becomes a TRUE ORIGINAL "sushi design"

Kind of makes you want one .......right?????
( Okay....I just like to think that)

Not much else to share and to be honest, I am just too freakin' cold to sit at the computer! ............................

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MOOD REPORT:

.....and here's 2010

2010-01-07T19:17:00.002-05:00

2010

I swear!!!

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I have certainly missed everyone and promise to be back very soon.
Looking forward to filling you in.

Here's hoping it's warm where you are (20 degrees here) and that
you have less snow than us (2 ft of snow as of this morning with another 6-10 inches expected)
I fucking hate winter in Ohio!

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Much love and blessings to everyone.

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MOOD REPORT:

Thanksgiving 2009

2009-11-26T10:52:00.003-05:00

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I don't think it would be possible for me to list everything I am thankful for this year however because it IS Thanksgiving, I believe it is important to give it a try

I am thankful/grateful for the following:

my relationship with G-d
my husband and fur babies
my family - each and every one
my friends -real life and definitely my bloggy ones too
my health ( yep -even with all my issues this year)
my job & co-workers
a roof over my head, food in my belly and money to pay the bills
living in a city where I get to experience ALL of the seasons
my sobriety
love that comes in from the most unexpected places & people

That is just the tip of the iceberg but it's a good start.

I have to get moving as there are three apple cakes in the oven that need to be checked.
Sending my heartfelt love, and thanks to everyone who is reading.
May you have a blessed and wonderful Thanksgiving!!!

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Silent Sunday

2009-11-22T18:20:00.003-05:00

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MOOD REPORT:

Friday the 13th is D-Day for me!!!!

2009-11-13T19:04:00.005-05:00

D-Day.....hmmmmmm - what could that POSSIBLY mean?

If you guessed "DRAIN DAY" - you win a million dollars!!! (well maybe not a million because honestly I think I only have a few dollars in my monkey purse right now) But you would be correct in your guess. You can pat yourself on the back. If you have been following my medical saga, you know that I have had an abdominal drain in for well over a month now. Well today was the day that blasted thing FINALLY got removed!

Wanna see? You know you do!!
I figure posting a pic of my post-drain-removal, scarred up belly is my way of saying "THANK YOU BELLY" for hanging in there with me:

Can I get a HALLELUJAH and an AMEN? Thank you.

The actual removal process of said drain was amazingly underwhelming to say the least. I guess I had built up this expectation that after having this darned thing in for a month, that it would be a bit painful and difficult to remove......I was wrong. It took all of two seconds to take the stinking thing out. It was not painful - I would describe it as uncomfortable at worst. I actually laughed after the doc finished removing it because I was expecting her to be pulling and pulling for awhile. Here it was all of about 2 inches of tubing inside me so one good tug and it was out.
Now I just have to figure out a safe and non-abrasive way of getting all the tape adhesive off my skin - there is a butt-load of it. I did share my G.LAD Press N Seal tip with the doc who absolutely loved the idea and said she would pass it on!

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In other news: If you check out my sidebar, you will see a new pic/badge:
The Creme de la Creme 2009 award
This is a "best of list" that Mel from Stirrup Queens does every year -

In Mel's words, "...... Awards are nice–it’s good to honour someone and mark big accomplishments. But we all have a best post tucked into our archives. We all have words that have moved another person or ideas that have kicked off a series of musings. Bloggers are writers and all of us deserve to be celebrated. And we’re doing just that."

In a nutshell, this is a list of posts that are submitted by bloggers in the ALI (adoption/loss/infertility) community to "recognize" what each blogger considers to be one of their "best or most moving" posts for the last year.

Since my blog was incredibly new at the time, I chose not to participate last year. However, this year has crept by quickly and it now time to celebrate again. I chose and submitted my post this afternoon. The official list will go up starting Jan 1st - I cannot wait.

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I am going to ask a BIG favor of you all: While we are chatting about favorite posts.........If you have been reading/following my blog for quite some time, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE it if you could leave me a comment on which post was "the most memorable" to YOU. It could be a post that struck a cord in you, or one that had you cracking up - which ever was most memorable! I know which post I picked to submit for Creme de la Creme but I would bet that there are other "favorite" posts everyone else has!

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FELINE UPDATE:

The fur babies are good although both have developed QUITE the catnip habit.....I am starting to worry that I am becoming an enabler. Check out the eyes on Zoey in this pic:

That's all she wrote folks!! Thanks for tuning in on this fair Friday the 13th!!

MOOD REPORT:

Where am I???

2009-11-10T13:32:00.006-05:00

So I managed to bring myself back to the world of the living - just barely.

I realized today that I was a bit overwhelmed with where I am.
Despite the fact that things are looking good (finally) I cannot get over the fact that this whole medical drama has literally sucked nearly 1 1/2 yrs of my life away.

My feelings are pretty mixed up about that - I am angry, sad and disgusted. I am frustrated and overwhelmed. I am completely ambivalent about it all:

Did I cause any of this to happen? NO. Do I still feel guilty that it has interrupted everything in my life as well as my husband and family? ABSOLUTELY. I am grateful that none of this stuff was life threatening? YES. I am disgusted and pissed that I had to go through three surgeries, three different surgeons & hospitals, to finally get to a healthy place? YOU BETCHA.

And I have been thinking about this blog... the blog which I started as a place to sound out my thoughts while I went on my journey to start a family.

I have had so much going on medically that I think I felt like I had no business posting here....which explains the disjointed posts of late. I felt like I was no longer part of the IF community and as such, felt out of place posting anything other than family building stuff.

Then suddenly I realized it.......FUCK ...this is MY BLOG.....my thoughts, my life, my world. And yes it did start out with a basis in IF community however life crept up and bit me on the ass.

It does that sometimes....and guess what? It does is to other people too! Amazing...isn't it? I am sure you all understand....I am sure some of you have been there yourself.

So I will write what I want to write....what I need to write....whatever it may be at the moment. I am sure that sometime soon I will venture back to posts about our family building.
For now however....I am here - and that's okay!

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Still waiting on this damn drainage to slow down enough to have the drain pulled. I have a sneaking suspicion that I will feel much better once that's done. Crocheted item quota is reaching critical mass - gotta get out of this house soon!

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Way back in October, my sweet friend Kate over at I Can't Whistle, gave me the
OVER THE TOP AWARD

I feel awful that I have not acknowledged this or passed it on however I did want to at very least say THANK YOU to Kate and spend some time answering the questions that go along with it! If you are interested in finding out more about me.....keep reading...if not..just skip to the mood report at the bottom of this post!

Part of the rules in this state that you can only use ONE word to answer the questions. We shall see about that!!!! The other major rule is to HAVE FUN - I can do that!!! And OFF we go..............

1. Where is your cell phone? TABLE
2. Your hair? GRAYING
3. Your mother? PRICELESS
4. Your father? BULLSHITTER
5. Your favorite food? SUSHI
6. Your dream last night? SCREAMED
7. Your favorite drink? POLAR POP (shit that's two words)
8. Your dream/goal? SERENITY
9. What room are you in? DINING
10. Your hobby? CROCHETING (worrying too if I am honest)
11. Your fear? HURTING SOMEONE
12. Where do you want to be in 6 yrs? FAMILY
13. Where were you last night? BED
14. Something that you aren't? SERIOUS
15. Muffins? NOPE
16. Wish list item? CHILD
17. Where did you grow up? AKRON, OHIO
18. Last thing you did? BELCHED
19. What are you wearing? OUTFIT
20. Your TV? MUTED
21. Your pets? CRAZY
22. Friends? CRAZIER
23. Your life? CRAZIEST
24. Your mood? EVERYWHERE
25. Missing someone? CHILD
26. Vehicle? HYUNDAI
27. Something you are not wearing? MAKEUP
28. Your favorite store? MICHAEL'S
29. Your favorite color? PURPLE
30. When was the last time you laughed? EARLIER
31. Last time you cried? EARLIER
32. Your best friend? CRAZY
33. One place that I go to over and over? WORRY TOWN U.S.A
34. One person who emails me regularly? MOM
35. Favorite place to eat? LITTLE ITALY

WOOT!!! I finished ya'll!!!!

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MOOD REPORT:

Show & Tell - Just a repeat....

2009-11-05T11:18:00.005-05:00

Welcome back to SHOW & TELL a la MEL.
Don't forget to hop on over to STIRRUP QUEENS to check out what everyone else is showing....it is always worth the click of the mouse!

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Well last weeks giveaway was not successful - Who would have thought that giving away FERTILITY SUPPLIES would be so hard? In any case, I thought I would re-post the giveaway this week in the hopes someone else might read my blog and contact me. If you wondering what the heck this post is all about - JUST READ MY LAST POST

Here is a pic of the stuff I am giving away:

Again...if you are interested - Just leave me your email in my comments section or email directly at Jen4sushi@roadrunner.com - I will get in touch with you for mailing info!

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Not too much else to share...drain still in - drainage decreasing little by little. Still crocheting like a madwoman and trying to enjoy the beautiful fall leaves.

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UPDATE: Someone has claimed this bounty - HALLELUJAH!!!

MOOD REPORT:

Show & Tell - My Fertility giveaway

2009-10-29T19:10:00.005-04:00

It's that time again - Show & Tell a la Mel over at Stirrup Queens.
The time of the week where you get to show off all your great stuff and then hop on over to check out what everyone else is showing!!!

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My Show & Tell for this week is actually going to be a giveaway that is the result of being cooped up in the house for too long! While on my healing hiatus, I have had to become creative in finding things to keep myself busy. For instance, I have become a champion speed napper - You would be totally in awe if ya saw me nod off!!! I have also crocheted enough items to really start annoying family & friend recipients as well. Finally today, I think I went over the edge....I went to grab something out of the medicine cabinet and just started to clean things out.

This is where the giveaway comes in.

I realized I still had a large amount of my "fertility supplies" in there that had not been touched in about 9 months. I think part of me held on to this stuff because I was just not in a place to truly "let go" of the idea of having a biological child. With all the time that has passed as well as all the circumstances, I am now ready to move on.

Having said that....I am passing this lot of goodies on to one of you wonderful ladies out there in hopes that brings you one step closer to your BFP!!!

Unfortunately, I am only able to open this giveaway to my bloggy friends in the U.S. as I am paying for the shipping (sorry my overseas pals)

The lot contains:
34 Internet cheapie Ovulation predictor dip sticks (two different brands)
OPK INSTRUCTIONS
5 Internet cheapie pregnancy test dip sticks
PREG INSTRUCTIONS
*Both of the above groups of tests do not expire until 2010 or later*

1 Clearblue easy digital pregnancy test which has expired but I am throwing in anyway
I am also throwing in a freebie blessing and lots of positive thoughts as well!!!

Since this IS Show & Tell after all....Here is a pic of the items

Show & Tell was the best way I could think of to reach as many IF'ers out there as possible - my following is not a large one so I had to be creative.

If you are interested in this lot....or know someone who could really use it, please just let me know. I really IS that simple!!!
Leave me your name and email in my comments sections and I promise to get in touch with you.
This giveaway is first come - first serve.

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MOOD REPORT:

Happy 1st Blogoversary to me!!!

2009-10-28T13:09:00.004-04:00

Can you believe it folks? One year ago today, I started publishing my rants!

It seems much longer than a year but I think that's because I had all this stuff bouncing around in my head before I actually started to write.

My very first post does a pretty good job of giving a run-down of my IF history.

At the time of that first post - We were waiting on results from a pelvic MRI to give us an idea of where we were headed on our infertility journey. After those results came back and the IF doc sat us down to discuss options, it became clear that IVF was really going to be our best shot at a biological child. Just about the time that we were going through all this, I had some serious medical problems which put everything on hold. I had to take an honest look at my health and make the decision to honor my body & health first. This meant giving up the dream of having a biological child and grieving that as well. It took some time, but I worked to find a place of acceptance in that process. In all honesty, I still grieve this fact to this day - but as each day passes it gets a bit easier.

In the midst of all this, Jim and I started seriously re-visiting adoption as a family-building option for us. The more we talked about it, the more it seemed like a good fit. In the late spring of 2009, Jim and I attended the mandatory adoption classes through our county and started on our adoption paperwork as well.

Then my body had another minor break-down. BOO HISS!!!!!
It has taken a few surgeries, lots of recovery time and some incredible support from family & friends to get where I am today. Today I am feeling good - better than I have in months.
I pray that my body continues to heal and that come November, Jim and I will be able to once again actively pursue our adoption plan.
That's my hope anyway....but as I have learned.....you just never know what tomorrow brings!

So there you have it - my life for the last year wrapped up neatly on this blog.
Some of it good and some of it bad - some of it hilarious and some of it heart-breaking.
But definitely, ALL of it MINE!
Life, love and laughter at the heart of it all.

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UPDATE: As it is with my life: My follow-up appt. with the surgeon today did not go as I had planned. The drain I was hoping to have removed, has to stay in until the drainage decreases significantly- probably another week or so. I also have to continue on antibiotics for a month.
The good news is that everything else looks good and I am feeling great. It's a question of patience at this time....but we all know...I DON'T DO patience ya'll!!!

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MOOD REPORT:

Antibiotics, drains and all things spooky

2009-10-26T13:01:00.007-04:00

Yep, I made it back...and don't you just LOVE this pumpkin guy?

The long and short of the ongoing saga with my body is as follows:
1. Sept. 24th had corrective abdominal surgery which was successful
2. Spent the next three weeks healing great without difficulty from above surgery
3. Beginning of third week I developed symptoms that I thought was the flu (I was wrong!)
4. Spent a few miserable days with high fevers and severe body aches
5. Then developed swelling, redness and pain over healing incision additionally
6. Finally went back to E.R. to get re-checked
7. Large fluid abscess found in abdomen - A ha.....there's the problem!
8. Started on heavy duty antibiotics and abdominal drain placed.
9. Spent one night in hospital then insisted I go home where there are less germies
10. At home, taking antibiotics, drain still in place - Feeling MUCH better!

So there you have it - nothing too exciting.
Just me, a handful of pills and this darned drain (which is a total pain in my ass)

For those of you who are nosy or like seeing this kind of stuff (and I know you are out there)
Here is a current pic of my poor belly - it has seen better days!

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Not too much else going on - hoping doc takes the drain out this week!
It has been a handful to deal with - however please allow me to share a great tip I learned while having this drain - my home-going instructions said I could shower but I was to try and keep the spray off the drain site as much as possible. I decided to try and use some of that Glad Press and Seal wrap to cover the drain site area. I took off a fairly large piece and lo and behold it stuck beautifully to my belly without ANY tape or anything. It kept the entire area completely dry while I showered and it never came off. I would recommend it to anyone to cover casts, incision sites or anything else that is not supposed to get wet. It worked for me!!! Gotta love a free shout out for a product too....Thanks GLAD company!

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I am hoping to back to full speed here in the next two weeks - crossing my fingers!
Although I have not been blogging much, please know I am doing my best to keep tabs on everyone - family, in-real-life friends and bloggy friends too!
Missing you all very much!

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Just cuz' this pic is too cute!

MOOD REPORT:

Out of order!!!!

2009-10-19T07:59:00.004-04:00

Body under-going repairs.....shop says it should take about a week
Promise to be back up and running soon!
Hugs and Smooches til then.

Mood Report:

Super Sushi Tuesday...so nice to be back!

2009-10-13T15:55:00.004-04:00

A SUSHI RING - can you believe it???
(courtesy of ELLEBAN'S CUTIES Etsy shop)

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Back again for another episode of.....SUPER SUSHI TUESDAY!
It's the day of the week that I devote ENTIRELY to all the little things that put a smile on your face and a warm feeling in your heart!

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This week for my SUPER SUSHI SOMETHING it is all about gratitude!
I was truly humbled and touched with the number of people who wrote, emailed and called me during and after this last surgery. When I was straightening the house yesterday, I happened to gather up part of the get well cards that had been sent and it just made me stop and think.

Here is a pic of just some of those cards:

I am overwhelmed with gratitude - thank you for every thought, prayer, call, visit, care package and most of all love. I am blessed to have such an amazing support system.
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MOOD REPORT:

Pondering Monday.....

2009-10-12T09:25:00.006-04:00

"Nap time for the kitties"

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Not too much to tell in the land of healing bellies......incision is still healing (slowly but healing nonetheless) I am in the itchy stage of incisional healing which sometimes just sucks tiddlywinks!!!
The age old dilemma......to scratch or not to scratch...that is the questions.
I am still feeling so much better than I did before the surgery - WOOT WOOT!!! Trying avidly to keep myself as busy as possible without overdoing it....which is a real juggling act I must say! Hubby and I have been working on re-arranging the house a bit. (Hubby doing the actual moving while I delegate) We moved our bedroom downstairs and moved MY Ebay office upstairs. This means that hubby and I will now be sharing a larger combined Ebay office. It will be our first time sharing a work space together - so I am holding my breath to see how it works out. We shall see!

In my attempts at keeping myself busy during the day, I picked back up my crocheting.

Now I definitely feel I need to qualify here to all the TRUE knitters/crocheter/crafty people out there.......I use the terms "my crocheting" very lightly. I am a true NOVICE in every sense - don't know a thing about patterns or fancy stitches. Never read a how-to book on crocheting in my life. Even though my mom taught me the basics of crocheting when I was like 10 years old, I never really picked it up as a hobby until I was in my late twenties. When I decided to quit smoking the first time around (I am a second time quitter...hehe) I needed something to keep my hands busy. I decided on crocheting and it really did help me in that endeavor. (um yeah...until I started again) I made a Sh*tload of half-ass scarves and other odds & ends. (my family was OH SO delighted to get them as surprise presents....NOT!!!) I taught myself about three different stitches and have stuck with them. I played around trying to figure out how to make different shapes (sometimes with great success and sometimes not)

So while I sit home here recuperating, I decided to pick back up this old hobby and see where it took me. I think my official count of "crocheted items" is at four with another project in progress. I made a scarf, a couple of purses, and a hanging kitchen dishtowel.
I will post pics of a few of the items but please note....they are not great.....lots of missed stitches, uneven rows, etc. Most importantly, I had fun trying!!!

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While sitting on the front porch swing crocheting the other day, I was suddenly overwhelmed by this strange sense of melancholy. It actually made me stop what I was doing and think for a few minutes. I looked around and tried to take in my surroundings in that moment, wondering if somehow that was what was triggering my sad feelings. I noticed the beauty in the autumn leaves and the squirrels across the street scampering around gathering their winter bounty. I noticed the neighborhood children on their bikes riding up and down the street, yelling at one another. I noticed our neighbors quietly raking up leaves and weather-proofing their houses.
None of this seemed to be the root of my sadness.

Then I looked down at my hands - my hands holding all this lovely colorful yarn. Yarn that I was using to crochet projects for friends and family. Yarn that had been used to crochet baby shower gifts over the last few years. Yarn that I was sure I would soon get to use for US...for OUR CHILD...for OUR FAMILY...and Yet, here I was - in the same place I was a few years ago.
Crocheting for others.
I guess that's okay....it has to be...it's my reality for now.

But it did make me sad to think about it.
Funny how this Infertility monster creeps up in the weirdest places and at the strangest times.
Apparently that's the nature of the beast.

MOOD REPORT:

Show & Tell - Where the H*ll have I been?

2009-10-09T10:11:00.005-04:00

Did ya' miss me? Just a little? Bet ya did!!
It's that time again - Show & Tell a la Mel over at Stirrup Queens.
The time of the week where you get to show off all your great stuff and then hop on over to check out what everyone else is showing!!!

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Sorry for the extended absence -I had my surgery which put all things on hold for a bit but was amazingly successful!!!

I will try to explain a bit without making this too long - The original mesh that had been put in for my hernias was infected and my body had been rejecting it for several months. I saw several surgeons who kept telling me that either I had adhesions or that nothing was wrong. I continued to have problems and knew that something was not right. Finally, I got pissed off enough that I did some research and found lots of information showing that the type of mesh that was used in me, had a very bad track record. It had actually been voluntarily recalled by the makers in 2007 after many complaints to the FDA. I then researched finding a hernia specialist that might help me. I ended up seeing a doc that had taken care of me in 2008 when all my belly problems had started. He not only knew my medical history but agreed immediately that the mesh was the problem. He said the other docs were absolutely WRONG and that he was sorry I went all that time without someone treating me. The surgery involved him going in and removing the infected mesh - he then replaced it with a much safer mesh combination. When I woke up after surgery, I knew things had finally been fixed!
Needless to say I am feeling much better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you all will indulge me, I thought for Show & Tell this week, I would show off a few things.

1. Starting with a pic of my healing belly.....Now if you get queasy easily or just don't like looking at body parts....THIS IS YOUR WARNING TO LEAVE NOW!!!

This pic shows part of the incision line - I had 60 staples in all - I have since had most of the staples removed with about 5 remaining to help one area that is taking longer to heal. Please know that I am pushing myself to post this pic because it shows my chubby belly-stretch marks and all.

I am feeling SOOOOO much better after this surgery and believe that I am finally on the road to a complete recovery - WOOT!!!!!

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2. The second pic is our highly unsuccessful attempt at dressing up Zoey for Halloween. The shirt says " SPOOKY" which you probably won't be able to see in the pic. Every time we actually got the shirt on her and put her down, she would fall over. It was hilarious....it was like she felt she could NOT move at all with it on.
(I know I know....we torture that cat....but it's SOOOO fun ya'll!)

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The third pic I am posting was sadly taken this morning......The utter destruction captured in it is appalling. I am asking for ANY information leading to capture and arrest of this devious "mini-blind bandit" Please help STOP this madness!!!!

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I hope to be back to my old blogging self soon - hang in there with me!
Smooches!!!

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MOOD REPORT:

Show & Tell - I am so "grapeful" today!!!

2009-09-24T07:15:00.004-04:00

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This weeks S & T is all about my support for a wonderful annual event that takes place this weekend in my home town of Geneva, Ohio. It is called THE GRAPE JAMBOREE~!

Let me give you a bit of background:
Apparently (and as I have learned since moving to Geneva) grape growing takes the perfect combination of weather and soil in order to yield a healthy vineyard. As it turns out - my tiny little sleeper town of Geneva meets all those conditions. In our county, we have somewhere around 8-10 winery's and probably closer to 15 vineyards. Not too shabby when you consider that this OHIO and not...let's say.......California.

The Geneva Grape Jamboree celebrates the harvesting of the local grapes. Visitors may taste freshly squeezed grape juice, wine, and various other grape products. It is full of some of the best assortment of fried fair foods you have ever had, rides, games, booths, parades and more.

This is the 46th year this festival is being celebrated.....which I think is fabulous!!!
Now to my S & T which is why you are all here.
Yesterday I decided to go all out and show my support for this great festival . I decked myself out in my best "grapey" ensemble before I headed off to work and this is how I looked......

Now if you are asking yourself why I chose to do my "grapey" best during the middle of the week - I will remind you fair readers that I am scheduled for surgery Thursday afternoon. I did NOT want to miss out in showing MY support so I just did it a bit early. The best part was that no one in town blinked an eye when I made my rounds yesterday. Everyone just LOVED IT!!

P.S. - Trying to paint a bunch of grapes on your face at 7:15am with the kitten from HELL getting into your paint - is not as easy as it looks! I would not recommend it to anyone!

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I will hopefully only be in the hospital a few days but the internet connection there is touchy at best - I won't be posting til I am home from the hospital. I am aiming for this time next week!
I promise to catch up my bloggy reading then.

Hugs and Smooches til then my friends!

MOOD REPORT:

Zoey reduces her carbon footprint.......

2009-09-19T18:48:00.004-04:00

I did not know she was so earth conscience.
Who woulda' thunk?

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Mood report:

Show & Tell + a total meltdown!

2009-09-17T18:50:00.007-04:00

Here we are again boys and girls - SHOW & TELL a la Mel - the time of the week where you get to show off all your great stuff and see what everyone else is showing too!

Don't forget to pop on over to MEL'S STIRRUP QUEENS to see all the goodies!!!

***To be followed by an emotional vent of epic proportions***
YOU HAVE BEEN FOREWARNED!

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As I have been running a bit low on energy - I am also running a bit low on the choices of cool and amazing things to share with you all for S & T.

However, as most of you know I am quite determined at times and when I set my mind to it, I can be downright obsessive. In that vain, I managed to dig up a few special pics to share with you all this week. Hope this puts a smile on your face!
(I am secretly hoping that it will put a smile on my face as well)

I would like to introduce you all to a couple of my new friends.
They just moved in with my neighbors last week and are the stars of the neighborhood!

INTRODUCING.....Madison & Mason:

This is MASON

This is MADSION

They are eight weeks old and absolutely a blast!!!
Madison is a total spaz and bully while Mason is very laid back and sweet.

I get to see them every morning when I go out to my car on my way to work.
I have to say it's a great way to start the day!

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Vent of Epic proportions by Jenn:

My disclaimer: If you are a friend, family member or co-worker who might be reading this post today, I ask you to keep in mind that this is my place to lay it all out - good or bad, right or wrong, crazy or sane. My rantings are NOT directed at anyone personally.

I woke up this morning rather abruptly (thanks to the big fat orange monster - aka-Babycat)
It was the kind of waking up that leaves you feeling tired, shaky and generally crappy all day long. My belly had been somewhat bothersome all night so I know I did not sleep soundly. I truly wanted nothing more than to go back to bed.

Instead, I forced my ass up and got ready for work.

Dragged my butt into work and basically tried to occupy myself with tasks for the first few hours. All the while, I am slamming my DD coffee and downing a few bagelfuls.

The early afternoon is where things went awry - In the space of about two hours, I was handed the dreaded news that most infertiles fear getting and loathe dealing with.

The "I am preggers" announcement.
Not once BUT twice!

One co-worker's sister (whom I had passed on a fertility book to) finally got pregnant after using some hefty IF drugs.
Another co-worker, who also had gone through IF problems, found out she was pregnant as well.

So two announcements in one morning.

I think I did pretty well considering the absolute cluster fuck of emotions that flooded my heart in the seconds following each announcement.
I even managed to ask if I could hug my co-worker while wishing her well.

Now I know that WITHOUT a doubt I was absolutely thrilled that these two ladies beat the odds in their IF journey. It felt like they both gave a big old F-you to Infertility.
For that I was so damn happy.

But also in that same moment...I felt this swell of emotions come bubbling up. I could feel it coming, rumbling and knew that it was NOT going to be good. I decided that the quickest and best course of action was to head off to lunch a half hour early.

I got into my truck, dialed mom on my cell phone and made it half way up the road before I totally broke down.

When I say broke down - I mean utterly and totally from the depths of my soul - fell apart.
I probably sobbed, yelled, and vented for a good 25 minutes.

Thank you Mom - I love you - what else can I say?

Guess I still have some Infertility grief to deal with - well shit!

How can you grieve something you want yet have never had?

I managed to get enough of that emotional crap out to be able to get myself back together within the hour and head back to work.
Red cheeked and snot-nosed but back to work nonetheless.

It was a long afternoon - my heart was really not in it.
I am pretty sure my closest co-workers knew my heart was hurting - and they knew why.
They know about MY infertility journey.
I love them for just letting me be me - good or bad.

I will need some time to process the day.
Leaving that for another day - gonna head off to bed early tonight.
Thank God for new day tomorrow!

MOOD REPORT

Super Sushi Tuesday - a lesson in patience.

2009-09-15T12:33:00.005-04:00

Here we are again folks....SUPER SUSHI TUESDAY!!!
It's the day of the week I devote to all the little things that put a smile on your face.

You know - like when the girl at the Dunkin Donuts throws you a freebie donut with your AM coffee OR when your hubby shows up on one of your particularly bad days with a bag of your favorite white chocolate.

Just that little extra special something - the one that puts a smile on your face!

My Super Sushi Something this week is this adorable frog pin that my dear friend, Linda got me.

It's a special reminder from her to me - FROG = Forever rely on God.
Something I often forget and can use a daily reminder of!!! Especially lately!
Thanks LINDA - LOVE YOU MUCH.

Don't forget to leave a comment with YOUR SUPER SUSHI SOMETHING!!!!!

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You are probably saying to yourself...."where the heck have you been Jenn?
Your posts have been hit and miss - here and there -
WE MISS YOU!!!
To be honest....I miss you all more!

I guess the best I can say at this point is....."Where do I start?"

So much has gone on with this old body of mine over the last two years - Lately, it's all I can do to keep my head above water emotionally not to mention physically.

Aside from all the medical crap going on - which by the way - necessitates me undergoing yet another open abdominal surgery next week, I am doing my darndest to keep myself in an emotionally neutral zone. And before you say....."Jenn, why aren't you thinking positive?" I am aiming for neutral and not positive simply out of sheer self-preservation. The emotional energy I have put forth to keep my sanity in all this, wears me out nearly as quickly as all the physical stuff. Add in a bad day with pain and HOLY SHIT...can things get tough.

So here I am - working through it all - hoping & praying that THIS surgery works.
Not posting too much because after all.......people gotta be getting tired of listening to my woes and in all honesty, I am kind of sick of it myself.
I truly wish I had more energy - I do miss keeping up with all my bloggy friends and have done my very best to try and touch base with some of you.
For those of you I missed - I am sorry - just know you are in my thoughts!
I PROMISE!!!

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Adoption plans are still on hold until all this medical shit is dealt with.
Does it break my heart? - ABSOLUTELY
Do I know that the timing is not right? - ABSOLUTELY
Do I wish things were different and that we could be moving forward?
YES YES and YES again.

What I do know definitively is that I must be in better place, physically, emotionally and spiritually before we consider proceeding any further on our adoption journey.
I want to be able to put my best foot forward and know that for the moment, that is just not possible with the way things stand.

So back to what all us infertiles know best.............wait.....time.....patience.
That just sucks pickles sometimes!

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Zoey pic of the week:

MOOD REPORT:

Show & Tell - more monkey!!!

2009-09-03T07:27:00.006-04:00

Here we are again boys and girls - Show & Tell a la Mel - the time of the week where you get to show off all your great stuff and see what everyone else is showing too!

Don't forget to pop on over to STIRRUP QUEENS to see all the goodies!

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My Monkey bounty overfloweth this week - I think it was the anniversary that put me over the edge! (Yeah - right - that was it...hehe)

For your S & T viewing pleasure - may I present....................................

ANNIVERSARY MONKEY PURSE

Gotta love EVERYTHING about a sock monkey purse!!!
My Bear is THE BEST!!!

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Zoey pic of the day:
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MOOD REPORT:

Super Sushi Tues, An Anniversary & The peeing bandit

2009-09-01T09:53:00.015-04:00

Above is a picture of MY SUSHI TUESDAY SPECIAL SOMETHING -Thanks to the one of the BEST friends in the world (MARY) for sending me these sushi scrap booking stickers. I absolutely went nuts when I got them!

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Here we are again folks.....SUSHI TUESDAY.....the day of the week that I have devoted entirely to all the little things that put a smile on every one's face~

You know..... like when the cashier doubles your grocery coupon just because OR the when the clerk at Dunkin Donuts makes your coffee with just the perfect amount of sugar and cream without having to ask. Just that perfect little extra special something!

Don't forget to leave a comment with YOUR SPECIAL SOMETHING!

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Today is a very special day. Two years ago today, I had the incredible privilege of marrying one of the most amazing, loving and gentle men I have ever met. We have already endured more in our two years of marriage than most couples I know however I believe that has made our relationship much stronger.

To my Bear....I am ever so grateful for the day you came into my life and changed it forever. A day has not gone by that you fail to show me how much you love me. You bring out the best in me and make me want to be a better person. You are my anchor, my strength, and my love of all times! Thank you for allowing me to share this lifetime with you!

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The Tale of the Peeing Bandit

See Baby - A.K.A. - The lazy, spiteful Orange Creature

See Zoey - A.K.A. - The adorable, spastic black monster

See spastic Monster with her favorite "Monkey baby" toy

See how well they get along and love one another........RIGHT????

WRONG!!!!!

See peed upon "Monkey Baby toy" drying after vinegar bath.
*the note says "Beware of the big orange creature....Monkey*

Guess who did the peeing???????????????

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Intimate & hormonal sharing to follow.................this is your chance to click away..............Don't say I didn't warn ya!

P.S. I would like to send a big old F*CK you to AUNT FLO for her extraordinary timeliness. She never ceases to amaze me - so far this year she has managed to arrive on my birthday, on surgery day each time I have had it AND now on my anniversary day.
ENOUGH ALREADY!!!

MOOD REPORT:

Show & Tell + Ink Me = a lazy lady!

2009-08-28T07:41:00.010-04:00

Hi boys and girls - it's that time again...a bit late this week but here nonetheless!
Time for SHOW & TELL a la MEL!
Don't forget to click on over and check out what the rest
of the class is showing!

This week I decided to put together S & T with INK ME..........The great ALI Ink Tour 2009 courtesy of Kristen over at Dragondreamer's Lair.

(Since my energy has been in the pooper....I figured why not do both together!)

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This is the story of my tattoo's!

Tattoo #1 - On upper right breast: Done by a very poor tattoo artist (see pic) Still holds meaning in my heart because -
A. It's a Jewish star B. It was my first (at age 19) C. It made my father crazy!

Tattoo #2 - On upper right arm: My celestial sun -the all time favorite tattoo!! (age 22) It has faded a lot over the years but originally had rainbow colored rays all the way around! If you look closely, you can see them. I will get it re-colored one day!

Tattoo #3 - Outer left ankle: Done to cover a surgical scar. (age 24) It hurt the worst out of all the tattoo's I had done however (and I am not proud to admit this) I was totally under the influence at the time which made it more tolerable. (Oh the things I admit here)
I wanted something to tie in with my sun tattoo and this is what the tattoo artist came up with.

BONUS PIC:
Since I forced my loving Bear to take all these pics for me....he got all excited and begged me to take a pic of HIS tattoo to post......I happily obliged!

Bear's Tattoo - left outer calf: It's the clown from the music group (and I use that set of terms loosely) The I.nsane Clown P.osse. He loves them and felt (in a mid twenties fervor) that he had to get their "clown" pic inked on him! Don't you just love his hairy legs? I do!

There you have it folks - S&T + INK ME!!!!

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DOUBLE BONUS ZOEY PIC:

MOOD REPORT:

Show & Tell - Monkey Crazy!!

2009-08-19T19:06:00.007-04:00

Hi boys and girls - it's that time again!
Time for SHOW & TELL a la MEL!
Don't forget to click on over and check out what the rest
of the class is showing!

....................

Before I share for S & T, I need to give you a run down of my day. Today was NOT a good day for me - physically or emotionally. It did not start out good, and quickly went downhill as my morning progressed. By mid-morning, I was absolutely disgusted, pissed, frustrated and overwhelmed. All of these spontaneous emotions exploded with hysterical crying, ranting to anyone who would listen and a big ole' snot fest for good measure. Thank you medical profession for sending me to this lovely place!

I have been feeling like - "I am so freakin sick of being sick". I have been feeling like my life is never going to get back to normal. I have been having a really hard time - just "liking myself". In the midst of all this, I have just felt like the world's worst wife, daughter, sister, friend, etc.

So now you have an idea of my mindset (scary isn't it?)......

Just when I seemed to be feeling my absolute worst today, something wonderful arrived in the mail. Now hubby had told me to be expecting a package and to NOT look at the return address as it was a gift for me. (Yea for me!) So being the good wife I am, I promptly picked up the package off the front porch WITHOUT looking at the address and put it on the table. I did my very best to keep temptation at bay!

Just a bit later hubby called from work to check on me (although he is used to my insanity, he still checks in on me during my rants) When I told hubby that his "special package" had arrived, he immediately told me to go over while he was on the phone, and open it. I did not put up much of a fight.

So for Show & Tell this week, please allow me to share what my wonderful, fantastic, awesome, cool and loving husband bought me:

YEP - Designer Betsey Johnson monkey earrings!!! Monkey Earrings........Can you FREAKIN' believe it?

I even managed a no make-up, partially grey hair, worn out from sobbing all morning, half-assed smile while wearing this special treat!!!

Needless to say.....my mood has MUCH improved!!!!

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P.S. Mom - Thank you from the bottom of my heart for shlepping all the way up to Geneva this afternoon and forcing me to make Matzoh ball soup with you. I truly believe the combination of the earrings and soup turned my day around!!!! (You can tell all your friends it was the Matzoh ball soup though) Love you will ALL my heart!

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MOOD REPORT:

Super Sushi Tuesday....bet you missed it!!!

2009-08-18T12:32:00.004-04:00

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He never fails to make me laugh when I am down and to help bring me back to reality when I am really out there. He is the cooler head when I am over the top angry and rational when I am nothing but emotion. I sincerely cannot imagine a day without him in my life.

Thank you my dear BEAR - I love you!!! - Now AND Forever!

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DON'T forget to share YOUR special something for the week!

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.I have been having SUCH a hard time blogging lately. Some it is obviously due to me not feeling well enough but I really think it is much more than that. As my body continues to refuse to cooperate with me, I think a large part of this "writers block" has to do with my emotional place it has put me in.

It is a very solitary, inward place - it is a place filled along the walls with boxes. Each box has a different set of emotions inside - sadness, emptiness, hope, fear, anger, despair, joy, love, hurt, gratitude, anxiety, and so on. I envision myself sitting in the middle of this room. The boxes are all just sitting there closed up and waiting for someone to explore them. They are waiting for someone to sort them, to work through them, and put them where they belong.

I just can't seem to manage any of that right now - I just want to stay where I am - in the "nothingness" - the quiet serenity in my "stuckness".
Not worrying about feeling at all - rather just being. It is a much different place than I have ever been and I have been very alone there. I can't say I have been unhappy there however I am slowly realizing that it is time to move on. It is time to move the physical part of me in hopes the emotional part will follow. Time to start tackling some of those boxes no matter how they make me feel.

My hope is that by getting outside of this emotional place - that I will be able to move forward.
To take some of those emotions with me and use them - and maybe just maybe........... get some acceptance along the way.

Did you hear that Universe? Acceptance......that would be nice.

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MOOD REPORT:

Technical difficulties with this life....

2009-08-14T14:36:00.007-04:00

Well folks ...it has certainly been awhile and all I can say is that today is honestly the first day I have actually felt up to blogging in about two weeks. My body is continuing to give me problems which I am slowly sorting through. I thought about posting a few times but just had nothing positive, healthy or interesting to say. I erred on the side of saying nothing up til now rather than putting forth my ickiness into the blogosphere.

Today I felt well enough and decided I needed to write ... so here I am.

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Life continues to plod along here - adoption plans have obviously been put aside until my medical stuff is sorted out. Each day that has passed seems to add to my overwhelming sense of loss in not being a mom. I wish sometimes I could just live in the now and let that go but I always seem to have to pick up my heart at the end of the day. I have to hold it gently in my hands, clean up all the cracks and breaks and learn to cherish it in all it's imperfections. Not easy to say the least, but just about all I can do from day to day.

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Life of the felines is status quo.
Zoey has completely healed up from her surgery - she even managed to leave a few stitches in for me to remove. (good girl) She is a whopping 5+ lbs now and growing everyday!
Babycat is well just plain Babycat.....lazy, chubby and overall low key - at least when Zoey is not making him completely crazy with her antics!

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I am losing steam here quick so I will wrap this up with the promise to post again when I feel up to it - hopefully soon!

Thanks to everyone who missed me - love you all!

MOOD REPORT:

Quiet moments..........

2009-08-02T20:43:00.004-04:00

I am pretty sure she loves her mommy, healing belly and all!
(never mind my double chin)

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MOOD REPORT:

Show & Tell - What holds a kitten together!

2009-07-30T18:11:00.005-04:00

Hi boys and girls - it's that time again!
Time for SHOW & TELL a la MEL!
Don't forget to click on over and check out what the rest
of the class is showing!

................................

So little is going on here lately which has caused my temporary lapse in blogging. Well that and the fact that this was my first week back to work after my surgery - I think I truly underestimated just how tired I would be.

In any case, for S & T this week I decided that since I have already subjected you all to pictures of my surgical scars, I would show off the next best thing........Zoey's post-spay surgical incision.

Aren't you excited? (hearing crickets out there!)

Her whole kitten belly is shaved

She has just enough hanging sutures that she is trying with all her might to chew them loose. I will be really surprised if she makes it past a few more days without pulling them out. If we get through another week without a trip to the vet, I will be so happy. Hubby suggested putting one of those chew collar/cone thingys around her neck to keep her from chewing. I can't even discuss that possibility without totally cracking up.

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I did want to send out some more prayers to my dear friend Linda - She just underwent gallbladder removal surgery. Lots of hugs and prayers for quick healing!!! Love ya hon!

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Not too much else to share - life is quiet - hoping to keep it that way!

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MOOD REPORT:

They grow up so quickly............

2009-07-27T15:10:00.004-04:00

Today was surgery day for the Zoey cat.

The official news is that she is A- OKAY!!! She came through her surgery with flying colors and will be spending the night for observation. We get to pick her up tomorrow after 3pm. I cannot wait to have her back home and curled up with me!

Although I knew it was the right thing to do for her health and all, I still felt sooooooooo guilty, sad and anxious! I even made hubby be the one to drop her off at the vet so that I wouldn't have listen to her pitiful & tortured cries on her trip there.

So yea I admit it - I am a TOTAL fur mama WUS!

It sucked waking up this morning and not having her there to greet me. Even hubby seemed to be missing her too - he called a few times this afternoon to check if I had heard anything. He is a very good Fur Daddy!!

So now both Zoey and I have healing tummies - like mother like daughter.

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Thanks for all the prayers that went out for my friends!

KIM was discharged from the hospital this morning - she is doing much better and was able to avoid having to have surgery - WOOT!!!

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Hubby and I did a lot of running around this weekend catching up on stuff for the house.
We went down to visit Mom & Dad yesterday in Akron. My brother and my four nephews were there too. It is a total MADHOUSE with the boys - their ages are 9 mths, 4 yrs, 8 yrs, and 11 yrs old respectively.

Let me sum up the afternoon with them:

1. Loud continuous talk, shouting or crying depending on the moment
2. Non-stop grazing and eating except for the 8 yr old who eats next to nothing
3. Dripping water everywhere from usage of Grammy & Pappies hot tub
4. Numerous appearances by small white naked butts and mini man jewels
5. Hysterical laughter & shrieks of delight after above mentioned "naked time"
6. Show & Tell of Aunt Jenn's surgical scars - too COOL!
7. Excellent baby snuggle time with the 9 mth old
8. Several unprompted wet hugs and I love you's

All in all not a bad day!

............................

Life is pretty quiet right now - which is okay with me. I am really ready to get back to my day to day routine. It's amazing how you take for granted your routine until it is thrown off!

I am looking forward to re-starting our adoption process. I want to get that darned paperwork tackled and our adoption profile website up and running. It seems like that stuff has just been hanging out there in limbo-land. We have to pull in the reigns and get moving.

....................................

I seem to be typing, erasing and re-typing like a fiend today - As a result, I am going to call it quits for the moment. Maybe my blogging Mojo will come back tomorrow - We shall see!

MOOD REPORT:

A kitten goes to jail

2009-07-24T14:12:00.005-04:00

Today's post is a tale of kitten gone wrong.

A kitten that started out on the RIGHT side of the tracks and in a loving home.
With a loving mom & dad and the best of everything, she wanted for nothing!

Then one day she made a wrong turn and a bad choice only to find herself BUSTED with no where to turn.

Ladies and Gentlemen: I will let YOU decide!

...........................................

Okay folks: since you did such a great job of sending support and prayers before, I am going to reach out and ask again.

I have two friends in need of positive healing thoughts and prayers:

1. My friend Kim - she is dealing with advanced Crohn's disease and is in the hospital with a pretty bad flare up. She may have to undergo bowel resection surgery.

2. My friend Rob - He has been facing a tremendous amount of health issues over the last few years, and just recently "flunked" his second cardiac stress test. He will probably have to undergo another cardiac cath at the very least.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR THOUGHTS!!!

..................................

As for me : I am doing much better each day - the belly is healing well although it is all shades of colors. Kind of interesting looking to be honest. The fatigue is the only thing that is really lingering still but I know that it will get better.

My brain is starting to get antsy again which means I have been in the house entirely too long.
I think I will try to pin hubby down to spend some time with me this weekend working on our adoption paperwork. I would like to get some of that finished up.

Really looking forward to heading back to work and to hopefully a "healthy rest of 2009"
That's the plan for now!

MOOD REPORT:

Show & Tell - Deal of the Century!

2009-07-22T18:41:00.007-04:00

Hi boys and girls - it's that time again!
Time for SHOW & TELL a la MEL!
Don't forget to click on over and check out what the rest
of the class is showing!

................................

This week's S & T post is the unveiling of the surprise I spoke about in yesterday's post. I am sure you were all waiting on the edge of your chairs, holding your breath until you saw my post today. C'mon.....admit it .......you know you were!

Hubby and I have been discussing our current living room furniture situation for about 8 months. Now let me explain that the size of our very small house has dictated what we can or cannot use in terms of furniture. Add in hubby's requisite manly big screen TV, and we became limited even more. (and NO...I really did not have a choice in regards to the TV.....shakes her head and sighs to herself). Up to this point we basically had a love seat and two Lazyboy recliners. The set-up on these pieces was SO not conducive to having guests.

So.....here we are just sort of plodding along not really thinking much of making any large purchases and then it happened.........the furniture "opportunity of the century"
Well....maybe not the century but certainly a great deal!!!

After a day or two of figuring out possible lay-outs for furniture and much number crunching we decided to bite the bullet and hope for the best.

Here is what we ended up with:

Please try and imagine the love seat WITHOUT the pink princess blankie and the princess herself all sprawled out sleeping!

Sorry the pictures were not the greatest quality but due to the size of the room, that was the best I could do in getting a full shot.

I love the color and contemporary style of the set - and was really surprised to find out that hubby like it too. We are usually miles apart style-wise! I even love the coordinating pillows that came with the set as well.

I think we did phenomenally with price - It ended up costing us about the same price as we would have probably paid JUST for the couch without the sale. We ended up with the love seat, couch and 4 throw pillows. Not too shabby, eh?

It took a bit of work to find just the right way to situate everything but we did it and it really opened up the living room!

Now if we can JUST keep all the cat hair off the couches....but that's a whole other post!!

MOOD REPORT:

2009-07-21T13:00:00.003-04:00

SUSHI BAND AIDS
Makes me want to buy a pack to put on my MANY Zoey scratches I have!

Here we are again folks.....SUSHI TUESDAY.....the day of the week that I have devoted entirely to all the little things that put a smile on every one's face~

You know..... like when the cashier doubles your grocery coupon just because OR the when the clerk at Dunkin Donuts makes your coffee with just the perfect amount of sugar and cream without having to ask. Just that perfect little extra special something!

.................................................................

My extra special something for the week is :
The bag of Lindt Lindor white chocolate truffles that hubby bought me when he did our weekly grocery shopping at Wally world.
If you have never had these - it's sooooo worth trying them.
They will most definitely put a smile on your face!

.....................................................................

What's YOUR extra special something??????????????????????

.............................................

All has been pretty quiet around here lately. My follow-up appt. with Dr. G went well. I am healing up nicely and my incisions look good. I am still feeling some pain now and then but mostly it is the fatigue that is getting to me. I feel like I am working at about 50%.
I know that hopefully within another week I will be back to normal (whatever the heck THAT is)

..............................................

I am still working on processing Ralph's death. I had so many mixed emotions with it that I never anticipated and it is just taking a bit more time for me to work through.

I spoke with mom the other day and had an interesting yet somewhat unexpected conversation. She asked me if I had copy of their (my parents) advance directives and will. I told her I did not and needed to get a copy to keep in our house. This obviously on the heels of Ralph's death. That conversation lead us into a discussion about their wishes and long term plans. Despite my initial trepidation in discussing this stuff with mom, I quickly realized that a "sort of relief" passed over me when we were doing so. It's was as if talking about the whole subject allowed me a sense of comfort and peace.

It feels a bit weird that I was able to come to a place of serenity in discussing this with mom but I am grateful nonetheless for having had the conversation.

..............................................

In feline news:

Zoey is scheduled to be spayed this coming up Monday. In addition she is getting all her shots as well. I really think the worst part of the whole thing will be having to take up the food and water dish the night before. Both cats will be grumpy, whiney brats in the morning.
YEA!!!

Not much else to share today - but I can't WAIT for tomorrow's Show & Tell!!!!
I have something FABULOUS to show AND tell.
Betcha can't wait.......Come back tomorrow and check it out!

MOOD REPORT:

Dear God..........an extra special thank you!

2009-07-18T11:43:00.004-04:00

DEAR GOD,

Thank you for this special day.
Thank you for your patience with me.
Thank you for your unending support, love and acceptance.
6 yrs or 2190 sober days 24 hrs at a time.
That is a long time.
It is truly a miracle and a blessing.
I am humbled and grateful.

Love, Jenn

............................................

MOOD REPORT:

I'm back ........Wooweeeeeeeeeee!!!

2009-07-17T13:11:00.006-04:00

Hey there everyone....I am back and definitely doing better!

......................................

Post surgery details - abbreviated version:
1. Dr. G was able to go in by laparoscope - so no big incision - WOOHOO!
2. I only have three small incisions with steri-strips on them.
3. The metal clip object was actually supposed to be there.
4. Above mentioned clip had been put in to stop a bleeder in 2008.
5. The mesh that was placed in my hernia surgery was the culprit.
6. Above mentioned mesh had curled under on itself causing a huge adhesion line.
7. Above mentioned adhesion line was released - ahhhh sweet relief
8. I got to go home the same day of surgery
9. Pain management has been a real bitch!!! (I am soooo not good with pain)
10. I should be up and running within just a few weeks!

............................................

Just hanging around the house in my PJ's trying like the devil to work out all this carbon dioxide gas that is in my belly from surgery. It has caused my abdomen to be majorly distended and for me to get these sneak attack gas pains that suck pickles!!

I know all you IF'ers out there who have had an exploratory lap feel my pain!
(Shakes a IF sisterly fist in the air!)

SUPER HUGE THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR THE PRAYERS AND LOVE!!! YOU ALL ARE WONDERFUL!
............................................

The rest of our family is on their yearly scheduled summer vacation in Nags Head, N.C.
Jim and I knew that we would not be going this year based on our finances, my medical status as well as our available time off from work.

When Mom/Dad found out that I was having surgery while they were on vacation, they were not thrilled but after much reassurance on my part that I would be just fine, they decided to go. I was really glad they did!!

The crew that goes to the beach usually consists of my parents, my brother and his family, my aunt & uncle, and my cousins with their respective families.

In an ironic twist of events:
I got a call yesterday from mom that my cousin Allison who is there, ended up in the local E.R. in Nags Head after keeling over with belly pain. Turns out she ended up with a bad case of appendicitis and had to go to surgery. Luckily they were equipped to do her surgery via laparoscope as well so she is now back at the beach house as we speak recuperating.

I guess my mom got to take care of someone AFTER all!!!
(Don't forget - she IS a Jewish mother!)

.....................................

In Zoey news:

Getting herself up on my top Ebay clothing rack then jumping down from there!
Keep in mind it's about 8 feet up.
(Oy Vey - she's gonna give me a heart attack!)

.........................................

MOOD REPORT:

It's all I can do........

2009-07-13T12:13:00.004-04:00

It was a long and emotional weekend.

I just had no desire to write anything - I was sort of at a loss for words.
It still feel that way today.

Losing Ralph is painful - there is no way around that fact.
I believe for me this hit even closer to home in that Ralph's age is the same as my parent's.

I really had not thought about my parent's mortality until this happened.
And it did happen - and I was knocked to the ground with a flood of emotions.

Sadness
grief
fear
hurt
helplessness
anger

I am just trying to sort through this emotional junk pile.
I am giving myself some time.
I am praying for direction.
I am praying for Ralph's family.
It's all I can do.
.................................................

Tomorrow is surgery day.
I think with everything on my mind, I have not had the chance to worry or feel anxiety about it. That is probably a really good thing.

I am confident that things will be taken care of and that I will be on the mend quickly.
That's what I keep telling myself.
Working hard to believe it.
I am praying that is the case.
It's all I can do.

................................................

I will be back blogging as soon as I feel up to it!
Hang in there in the meantime.

MOOD REPORT:

Quick but sad post.....

2009-07-11T13:59:00.003-04:00

This is a very hard post to write:

I just wanted to thank everyone of you out there who said a prayer for
RALPH over the last month or so.
It meant the world to me and most importantly to the family.

Ralph's battle with end stage liver disease had been a long and tumultuous journey.
As quickly as the gift of being placed on the transplant list was given, it was taken away.

Ralph unfortunately developed a blood-borne infection that rendered him ineligible to be on the transplant list. Though the medical team put him on strong antibiotics, it was understood that his body would not hold out long enough for him to rally.

Blessedly, Ralph was lucid enough to be able to express his wishes to be made comfortable via a DNR order (or do not resuscitate order) to his family and caregivers.

This afternoon, while surrounded by all of his family and loved ones -
Ralph passed away peacefully.

Please continue to keep Ralph and their entire family in your thoughts and prayers!
They will most certainly need it.

Show & Tell - Protection and the purse

2009-07-09T06:21:00.007-04:00

Hi boys and girls - it's that time again!
Time for SHOW & TELL a la MEL!
Don't forget to click on over and check out what the rest
of the class is showing!

.........................................

For Show & Tell this week, I have two things to share - yep - there is nothing in the rules that says I can't share two things and gosh darn it I am going to this week!
There - I have spoken!

The first thing on my sharing table is my new, fabulous purse!
You may be saying to yourself - "........didn't she just unveil her new Coach purse awhile ago?"
"What on earth can she be doing with yet ANOTHER purse?"
Well here is the story.

After using my Coach purse for over a month - I discovered it was NOT user friendly!
The way the purse was designed - it had a very small zippered opening to the main pocket which
was really a pain to get into.
There was a buckle that went over the top of the zipper and it always got in the way when I was trying to get something out of my purse. I also could not see into the purse as well.
In any case - a few weeks ago on my shopping foray with mom - I noticed this absolutely lovely
(albeit large) purse at Cato's that I fell in love with.

I did not get the purse that day with my mom however happened to conveniently
"mention" this loveliness to my dear husband.

Surprise, surprise, surprise - a few days later he comes home with it for me!
(I love that man - oh yes I do!)

It may have only been $19.99 as opposed to the $$$$ that was spent on the Coach purse
however it is PURPLE ya'll! PURPLE I say!
And the best part (besides that I own it now) is that it is huge and easy to get into!

P.S. - selling the Coach purse on Ebay

.....................................

The second part of Show & Tell is a set of pictures which I took while on our
short gambling run this week.

Keep in mind that I am NOT what you might call "worldly" and that the smallest &
weirdest things tend to amuse the heck out of me!

About half way through our gambling foray - I had to pee and headed off to the restroom.
When I entered the stall - I about fell over - that is how impressed I was.
Let me share the bathroom stall pics (nothing gross here I promise!)

How totally cool is that? An automatic refreshing set cover that you activate by waving your hand in front of the green sensor!
I obviously had NEVER seen anything quite like that and was way impressed!
My friend Linda was in the stall next to me when I was ogling the toilet -

She said " I bet you are going to take a pic of that - aren't you?" I said " you bet your ass I am as it's Show & Tell material my dear"

Nothing like taking picture of a toilet stall to prove your insanity to the world!
There you have it - PROTECTION and the PURSE!

.......................................

MOOD REPORT:

Super Sushi Tuesday....more prayers please!

2009-07-07T07:29:00.006-04:00

Don't ya just LOVE a sushi stapler???

Here we are again folks.....SUSHI TUESDAY.....the day of the week that I have devoted entirely to all the little things that put a smile on every one's face~

You know..... like when the cashier doubles your grocery coupon just because OR the when the clerk at Dunkin Donuts makes your coffee with just the perfect amount of sugar and cream without having to ask. Just that perfect little extra special something!

What's YOUR extra special something??????????????????????

.................................................................

My extra special something this week was the news that
my friend RALPH got this week-
He is now OFFICIALLY on the transplant list!
It's a true irony to get excited about something like this because it means he
is really really sick - he is after all at the very top of the list with a
MELD SCORE of 40.
This does however give him the chance to survive and live many more happy years.
I am saying some extra prayers today - I hope his liver comes soon!!!
If you want to read more about RALPH - check out this website:

...............................................................

Fourth of July weekend was fun and productive!
Hubby and I spent the 4th with two of our friends and my parents.
We all sort of chilled out in the early evening at my parents house and then went
to downtown Akron for the fireworks display.

Hubby and I also managed to tackle a few more things around the house as well as
to work a bit more on the Adoption paperwork.

All in all it was a great weekend!

Today, my dear friend Linda & my mom are coming up to visit me and then
we are all headed over to Erie, PA for an afternoon of casino gambling.
We are going to Presque Isle Downs & Casino.
Here's hoping to hit a HUGE jackpot!!! (or at least come home even)

Tomorrow morning before work is Pre-admission testing for my surgery.
Nothing like blood work, an EKG and your history to start the day off right.
I feel like I am back in a monitored fertility cycle with all the doctor visits
and testing that I have been having.

................................................................

Okay - gotta post at least a FEW gratuitous ZOEY pics!

Not much else on the agenda folks!!!

..........................................................

MOOD REPORT:

Happy Birthday America!!!

2009-07-04T08:37:00.008-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA - YOU ROCK!!!

Happy July 4th to all my USA bloggy friends!!! I hope your weekend is filled with cook-outs, good friends/family and plenty of cool fireworks to ooh and ahhh over!!!

..........................................

I know I have already asked this of all my bloggy friends but I am going to ask again because it is desperately needed........Please say a few extra prayers if you can spare them for my friend RALPH - If you missed my post about him, he is in end stage liver disease and is waiting on a liver transplant at the Cleveland Clinic - you can read about him HERE. This is a truly sweet, loving and beautiful man with a tremendous wife and extended family. I am selfish and DON'T want to lose him from my life.

If it is in the cards for him, PLEASE pray that liver becomes available to him soon as his condition is very shaky right now.

In some ways, It is difficult and awkward to be praying for a liver to become available to him because obviously it means someone has to die for that to happen.
I just pray that if someone does lose their life and is an organ donor, that Ralph will be on the receiving end of that precious gift!

THANK YOU IN ADVANCE FOR THE PRAYERS!

...........................................

In other news, my once very tiny, adorable baby Zoey kitten has now morphed into a HUGE, A.D.D, obnoxious, misbehaving toddler of a cat. I am thinking it would be akin to having a child in the 2-3 yr old range in the house. She is IN to everything that she should not be into - does NOT choose to understand or listen to the word - NO, and is basically driving BABY CAT absolutely freakin NUTS! It is so unbelievably difficult to discipline this monster however because of her little kitten face. She just gives me these eyes and a quiet little purr - I turn to mush every time.

Here are a few new pics:

Zoey in the dishwasher

Trying to grab a cool drink in the kitchen sink
"Look how adorable I am mom"

..............................................

On the IF/ADOPTION front - we are still in the completing paperwork phase of our adoption stuff. Hopefully this final surgery will alleviate the medical problems I have been having and we can move forward.

As I was sitting here writing this I realized something surprising - that I had NO idea where I was in my cycle and had to look at my calendar to figure it out. HOLY SHIT!!!
That I don't know when or if I had ovulated this month - DOUBLE HOLY SHIT!!!
And most importantly, that hubby and I actually HAD SEX when we wanted, for no other reason than because we wanted to - TRIPLE HOLY BAT SHIT!!!
Kind of nice for a change though!

Since we are now on the SEX subject and I just finished giving you the lo down on Zoey....let me share a story which I find hilarious........weird & freaky but hilarious for sure!

If you are faint of heart or easily embarrassed - DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER! You will need to put on your very best visualization glasses for this one...........

The other day - hubby and I were in bed and getting all sorts of frisky just doing our thing........we both had forgotten that the Zoey monster was running loose in the house and that our bedroom door was open.

Well I was ......ahem.......trying to warm hubby up and had my head south of the border if you know what I mean.

All of a sudden, hubby starts laughing - and I mean really laughing- As I am a very determined lady when it comes to this area of my life, I did not stop what I was doing but rather used my peripheral vision to try and see what hubby was laughing about.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Zoey just sitting there - cute as a button - following every single movement of head. I watched her, watching me- her head bobbing up and down - up and down. Of course, I completely lost it and fell over in a fit of giggles.

I think it took a good five minutes for both hubby and I to recover enough from our laughter to move on so to speak.

NOTE TO SELF: Close bedroom door during adult activities!!!

....................................

MOOD REPORT:

Show & Tell - blouses, slacks and earrings oh my!

2009-07-01T18:30:00.005-04:00

Hi boys and girls - it's that time again!
Time for SHOW & TELL a la MEL!
Don't forget to click on over and check out what the rest
of the class is showing!

..................................................

For today's Show & Tell I decided to share some pics from the
great shopping escapade that mom and I had the other day.

I was really quite surprised that I made out as well as I did since I
normally don't do very well when I shop with mom.

It's been the weirdest thing ever since I was a kid - I have always managed
to do my BEST clothing shopping with my father.

It's not that mom and I spend time shopping together - quite the opposite - we
shared plenty an afternoon hitting the stores.
For whatever reason however, I just never seemed to do nearly as well with
mom as I did with dad.

This last trip however was one of those rare exceptions to our pattern.
Maybe it was God's way balancing out my day - since our shopping was followed by
my incredibly crappy doctors appt.
Kind of like giving me something good and bad - keeping the scale even!

Who knows? But I choose to believe that!

ANYHOO......(that's for you JENNY)

Here is a list of my loot followed by pics:

one pair of black slacks
one pair of beige slacks
one short sleeve peach tunic w/ matching scarf
one pink/white summer sweater
one blue off the shoulder blouson top
one pair of silver hoop earrings

The total cost ..........drum roll PLEASE...................

ONLY $60.00 -tax included
(keep in mind that I have an INCREDIBLY wonderful mom who paid but still)
Not too bad eh?

Pics as promised
(minus the earrings as they are upstairs and I am too lazy to get them)

That's all for now folks!

MOOD REPORT:

Sushi Tuesday.......prayers needed!

2009-06-30T18:02:00.004-04:00

Here we are again folks....................SUSHI TUESDAY........................the day of the week that I have devoted entirely to all the little things that put a smile on everyone's face~

You know..... like when the cashier doubles your grocery coupon just because OR the when the clerk at Dunkin Donuts makes your coffee with just the perfect amount of sugar and cream without having to ask. Just that perfect little extra special something!

What's YOUR extra special something??????????????????????

.................................................................

My extra special something is my return to my weekly sushi dinner tonight - Thank you KU!!
I missed two weeks in a row due to my hospitalization and subsequent queasy tummy.
This is my first week back and I just have to say that .....I LOVED IT, LOVED IT, LOVED IT!!!

..................................................................

It's been a busy week so far and it's only Tuesday - Yesterday I had my follow-up appt. with the surgeon which did not go exactly as I had planned. I had this idea in my head that I would go in there and she would tell me that we could do a small & quick outpatient laparoscopy to fix the problems I was having. Unfortunately my appt. took a very different and unexpected course.

The short version of the story boils down to my cat scan showing some small metal clip-like object deep against my abdominal wall that does not belong there.

When I say it does not belong there, I mean that even with the surgeries that I have had, this object is in a location where it should not be. None of the surgeries would have used a clip like this and any metal objects that were used in my previous surgeries are no where near this area in my belly. So the question that begs to be asked is.........."What the hell is it and where did it come from?" That is the million dollar question.

Unfortunately due to the fact that I have had several surgeries recently, I am not a candidate for laparoscopy so I will have to have yet another "open" surgery to have this removed.

This was most definitely NOT what I wanted to hear and certainly a tremendous amount to wrap my brain around.

I think in the course of a half hour I went through a million different worries and thoughts:
1. OMG - not another surgery/hospitalization
2. What am I going to do about work? Will I lose my job?
3. How in God's name are we going to afford MORE medical bills?
4. Hubby is going to give up on me....enough is enough- he deserves better
5. I want to feel better already...............

And so on............................Now I know much of this was just my brain trying to process the information but I have tell you that by the end of the evening I was just emotionally spent!

Thankfully when I woke up this morning I had a new perspective and much more positive outlook. Not to mention getting to wake up to the most wonderful man and my two fabulous fur children.

I will be going back in for surgery on July 14th and am just praying in the meantime that it will be the last piece in this puzzle that has been my physical health lately.
Anyone out there who has an extra prayer to share - I would greatly appreciate it!

And on the topic of prayers: I am going to send out a very special request to my bloggy friends & family. A dear family friend of ours, Ralph is in end stage liver disease. He is currently up at the Cleveland Clinic being treated and is waiting oh so patiently on the transplant list for his new liver. His condition has been shaky as of late. We are just hoping and praying everyday that he holds out long enough for his miracle to arrive.

Please Please Please keep Ralph and his family in your prayers. It will surely be appreciated.
You can read all about Ralph and his family on THIS site. Thanks in advance!!!

Not much else to share for today - Wishing everyone a great day and fantastic week!

MOOD REPORT:

Making addicts out of my cats AND my mom........

2009-06-28T16:59:00.007-04:00

Back off my stash b*tch~!!!

See Zoey?...............See Zoey on Catnip?.............See Zoey get a WICKED case of the munchies and aggravate the crap out of Baby cat! (Don't ya just LOVE the eyes?)

(Not my proudest feline mommy moment-however definitely the one I laughed hardest about)

...............................................................

I have a feeling this post will be a real mish mosh of thoughts, ideas and pic - fair warning!

Sorry for my unmotivated blogging as of late - I think I am still trying to catch up from my hospital stay and to be honest, not too much has been going on with me that is blog worthy.
That is definitely fine with me as I am really would just like to be put on cruise control for awhile.

We have not moved forward with the adoption paperwork. We are waiting to get my health stuff all straightened around. I am thinking that within the month all should be well and we can then change gears at that time. At this point a bit more waiting is really nothing big - I mean in the grand scheme of this IF journey - a month is a drop in the bucket.

Most importantly though, I want to be in a good physical, emotional AND spiritual space before really digging in to the next step in our journey. I know that time will come.

...............................................

I have my surgeon follow-up appt. tomorrow (the first one got cancelled due to her being stuck in surgery all day) I am anxious to see what comes out of that appt.

Mom is coming up to visit me in the morning before my appt. - well actually - she is coming to make a visit to one of the local clothing stores- CATO'S- in my area that she does not have by her. I am just going with her. The last time I took her there to do some shopping she ended up with the motherload (hehe - just realized I made a funny there.....motherload...hehe!) of clothes for an outrageously cheap price. I think I got her hooked on the place!!!! I guess I should feel bad about getting her hooked but honestly the only person I feel bad for is my father when he has to pay the bill! C'est La Vie!!!

As for a ZOEY UPDATE:

Other than her new catnip addiction which we are going to have to work on, she has found a few more new fixations to focus all her attention on.

One new fixation is the sink in the bathroom - she is very fascinated by watching the faucet. If you turn on the water just barely, she gets amazingly excited and tries to lick the stream of water. She usually ends up getting frustrated trying to put her head under the faucet so she takes her paw and soaks it, then licks it. It's really quite amusing to watch.

Here is a pic of her in bathroom...................................

Her second new fixation is her (well it USED to be mine) stuffed monkey buddy! This little guy has been hanging around our house for quite some time and apparently last week, Zoey discovered him. They are now BEST of friends as evidenced by the way she carries him around.
She loves to wrestle with him and to take him into her kitty condo as well.

Here is a pic of her wrestling with monkey...........

Not much else to share - will try and beef up my blogging, I promise!!!

MOOD REPORT:

Show & Tell - Two of my favorite things

2009-06-25T07:28:00.006-04:00

Yep it's that time again - SHOW & TELL A LA MEL over at STIRRUP QUEENS
Be sure to head on over and CHECK OUT what the rest of the class is showing!

Today was one of those days where I had to literally rack my brain to think of something fabulous or witty to share with you all.

To be totally honest- I really came up with little or nothing.
And most of you know what that means......................................

YEP - Kitty pics!! My favorite "infertile" standby!

C'mon.....throw me a bone - after all - They ARE my children!!!

............................................

I love this shot of BABY and ZOEY - they actually seemed happy to be laying together!

ZOEY playing Peek-a-boo!

"Seriously mom - how many more pics are you going to take?"

MOOD REPORT:

...things that rattle around in my brain.

2009-06-24T18:47:00.003-04:00

"I thought you said we had tuna fish in here"

..............................................................

JENN'S PAINFULLY TRUTHFUL INNER THOUGHTS

It totally pisses me off that I am surrounded by several undesirable, white trash neighbors who have multiple children that they can barely take care of.

When I see very young pregnant girls, I desperately fight the urge to ask them what their birth plans are and silently hope that they might be "the birth mother" we are looking for.

I can barely tolerate to look at my body in the mirror anymore - between my weight and my surgical scars, I feel truly ugly and deformed.

I used to have thoughts and dreams of performing - either singing or being a stand-up comic. Just never thought I was good enough.

Lately I have felt like a really shitty wife, daughter and friend- just have not had the energy to do anything about it.

I am scared to death to think that hubby and I may never have children but equally scared to death of actually getting to adopt.

I have not worn a sleeveless shirt or dress in 20 years because of the size of my arms.

Several times throughout my life, I was embarrassed to tell people I was Jewish for fear of what they would think. Sometimes I still am.

I hate my feet - size 11W, calloused and rough - shoe shopping just sucks!

I really don't cook - never had the urge to and I really don't care.

Anti-depressants are my friend and have been for years.

...................................................

MOOD REPORT:

2009-06-23T11:26:00.004-04:00

Since getting my sushi dinner every Tuesday always manages to perk me up in the mood dept.,
From here forward - I dedicating SUSHI TUESDAYS to that little extra special something that puts a smile on my (or your) face.

You know - like when the cashier doubles your grocery coupon just just because OR the clerk at Dunkin Donuts who makes your coffee with just the perfect amount of sugar and cream without having to ask.
What's YOUR extra special something??????????????????????

My SUSHI TUESDAY extra special something is this little monkey friend.

Hubby brought me this while I was in the hospital - I love that MAN!!!
The pin in his left ear is an adoption/foster awareness ribbon that we got in class and I thought appropriate for this little guy!!! ( you know me and dressing up my animals!!!)

...................................................

So you know how I was saying yesterday that I had a lot of stuff rattling around in my brain? Well I have been slowly working on sorting some of it out and decided that I am going to write about it.

Bear with me folks if this does not come out as eloquently as I would like.

Most of you know that since 2008 I have had many medical issues and hospitalizations. Some serious and some not so serious. It's been a very long, exhausting and frustrating process. It has obviously taken a toll on me physically and emotionally but it has also done a number on my loved ones as well.

When I was hospitalized last week, I chose to not contact many friends and extended family.
I realized that this may have inadvertently hurt some feelings which was not my intention.
I chose limited contact for a few reasons that I want to explain -

First off, I was in an incredibly crappy mood and state of mind. It was hard enough for me to be decent to the medical staff let alone people that I really care about.
Secondly, I really felt and looked pretty shitty. I hated even having my husband or parents see me let alone visitors.
Thirdly, and most importantly, I did not want to worry or bother people with an issue that has been ongoing and was not life threatening.

Lately I have begun to feel like I have used up my "allotted" amount of support from friends and family. Isn't that something?
Like everyone gets a tally sheet to keep track of the amount of support they offer to any given person in their lives. That eventually - your friends/family will look at their tally sheet and realize "hey - Jenn has used up all her emotional support points" and move on.

Worn out loved ones - I imagine that this is what people who have chronic illness have to deal with on a daily basis.
Thank God that I do NOT have a chronic illness and that I know this is a lengthy temporary situation which will be fixed shortly.
PLEASE UNDERSTAND.....friends and family.....I do not want to wear you out.
You mean the world to me but I know you have your own lives. You have other friends and family to worry about. You have your day to day tasks to take care.

Even if you didn't get the chance to call or visit - it's okay - I know you love me.

I know a lot of this did not come out exactly as I would have liked, but I am sure you get the idea. Thank you for indulging me in this post.

I do love you and am eternally grateful to have each and every one of you in my life.

MOOD REPORT:

Excuses, excuses, excuses.....

2009-06-22T08:35:00.003-04:00

Ummm...yeah.....it's been awhile hasn't it? Sorry about that. I wish I had a fantastic story filled with personal enlightenment, or heroic acts to come back writing about. My story is not nearly as exciting.

Maybe if I break it down into a play - it will sound better than it really was?
Yeah - let's try it that way:

LIFE OF AN INFERTILE JEW WHOSE BODY IS FALLING APART

THOSE APPEARING IN MY PLAY-
Jenn's cardio-vascular system (small role)
Jenn's gastro-intestinal system (lead role)
Jenn's crap-ass veins (brief annoying appearance)
Sleepy Jenn ( one long continued appearance)
Jenn's new surgeon, Dr. G (lead role)
Several un-named yet excellent nurses (supporting roles)
Hubby & Mom/Dad (supporting roles)

ACT ONE-
TUES. June 16 -High BP & moderate belly pain - appearances by Cardio & Gastro -Trip to E.R.

ACT TWO-
CT scan, bloodwork, and monitoring til 1:30am - appearances by Cardio, Gastro, & Crappy viens DX: Probable Small-bowel obstruction

ACT THREE-
Wed. June 17 - Get Admitted to hospital, have naso-gastric tube placed -click on this link to truly appreciate the utter nastiness involved, arrive in room 2:30am, spend an hour with admitting nurse answering questions. Attempts to sleep thwarted by frequent vital checks, medication administration, snoring roommate, etc. - Appearances by Sleepy Jenn, Un-named nurses.

ACT FOUR-

Remain in hospital til Saturday - lots of x-rays, nasty tasting contrast, enema's (don't ask), meds, and further testing. Appearances by Dr. G, Sleepy Jenn, Un-named nurses, hubby & mom/dad.

ACT FIVE-
No surgery - hurrah!!! Discharge from hospital Sat. June 20th - Follow-up with Dr. G on Monday for game plan. Appearances by entire cast!

AND...................CURTAIN!!!!

P.S. The sequel to the play is that Sleepy Jenn caught up on sleep the entire weekend!!!!
Nothing like your own bed, quiet, and no interruptions to set the stage for a good nights sleep!

So there you have it folks - My week in review

I am feeling better although I am a bit tired still. I am sure that will get better each day.

I did get some good news this morning - My wonderful new doc, Dr. J called with my lab work results from my initial appt. She did the whole work-up on me -including cholesterol and vitamins. My total cholesterol was ..........wait for it............wait for it............. 148 and my triglyceride number was .......87 - BOOYA!!!!!! If you are interested - here is a webpage all about cholesterol by the American Heart Association.
As you can see, MY numbers are well within the normal range - YEP - NORMAL - can you freakin believe it? Something is actually NORMAL about me and I have proof!

..................................................

Bear with me if some of what I write comes out like diarrhea of the mouth for awhile.

There is so much stuff rattling around in my brain from not having blogged that I will have to slowly pace myself this week in catching up.

Today is good - The sun is shining, friends/family have called to offer love and support, and my Zoey kitten is laying on my hands purring as I type this!
YES - All in all I would say life is good today!!!

MOOD REPORT:

Super Sushi Tuesday.....hurrah!!!!

2009-06-16T13:04:00.005-04:00

Hi boys and girls - can you believe it's Tuesday already?? You know what that means............

SUPER SUSHI TUESDAY

I think after giving it a bit of thought...I have decided to change the direction of my Tuesdays.

Since getting my sushi dinner every Tuesday always manages to perk me up in the mood dept.,
From here forward - I dedicating Sushi Tuesdays to that little extra special something that puts a smile on my (or your) face.

You know - like when the cashier doubles your grocery coupon just just because OR the clerk at Dunkin Donuts who makes your coffee with just the perfect amount of sugar and cream without having to ask.

What's YOUR extra special something??????????????????????????????????

..............................................................

Physically, I am one big bloated crampy mess!
AF is reeking utter havoc in my uterus - I swear I feel like she has a soccer match going on in there. The stupid bitch is tiring the heck out of me!

...............................................................

We Finished up our adoption classes last night - HALLELUJAH!!!! The topic covered was the affect of adoption/foster on the primary family. The instructor focused much more on just adoption in this session then she had in previous sessions. It was good to get a bit more insight into the adoption end of things and to receive some info on what to expect.

As a bonus, we ended up creating a connection with another couple in that class that lives somewhat nearby and we exchanged numbers so that we can keep in contact.
I think it will be good to have friends who are going through the same things we will be going through - at least we can support one another!

.......................................................

Have I told you all that I absolutely LOVE my new family doctor , Dr. J?

My husband started seeing this doc when he got diagnosed with Diabetes and I met her on his first visit. Recently my old family doc decided to close her practice (she is staying home with her kids now) and I had to find a new doc. I switched over to her practice and am totally thrilled with her care. She is young, very laid back, a great listener and is just very sweet.

Anyhoo.................I managed to drag myself this morning to my follow-up appt. to have my BP re-checked.

At my appt. Dr. J gave me good news and not-so-good news:

The good news is that my pressure is definitely coming down. The not-so-good news (not gonna say bad) is that I have to double my dose of medication because it's still not back to normal.
All in all not a bad appointment!

I was going to head off this afternoon to an appt. with the new therapist however that was canceled due to an emergency on her end. I will have to reschedule.

...........................................................

Not much else going on in the land of Geneva ( and that's Geneva, Ohio - Kate, since you asked)

Gonna go try and tackle a bit more of the dreaded paperwork!!

MOOD REPORT:

Playground, Paperwork, and Zoey - OH MY!!!

2009-06-15T12:47:00.011-04:00

It's Monday and I finally managed to get enough time and energy to post!!! AMEN!!!

Let's see.......where was I? Oh yeah - I left you all a short Saturday post with promises of great stories to come. Gotta keep those promises!!

First off - can I just say - Yea-Freakin-Haw!!! - tonight is our LAST adoption pre-service class. No more running in the door - scarfing down dinner and running right back out to class.

The flip side of my excitement over being done with classes is this nasty feeling I get every time I look at the mountain of paperwork that Jim and I will have to tackle in order to get our Homestudy started. It is pretty daunting to say the least! I will just have to tackle it a bit at a time or else I will lose my mind!
(Breathe Jenn.......in....then out.....good-now go to your happy place.......ahhhhhh....there it is!!!)

.................................................

In other news - I promised you all a re-cap of my Saturday - so without for ado:

About a month ago, The City of Geneva's rec dept. was able to secure a grant to be able to put in a totally new playground. Our rec dept. director worked long and hard to get this grant and finally we got the okay. Once we had everything ordered and ready to go - an article was placed in our local paper announcing a "community playground build" day.

It was absolutely amazing the amount of calls and support that started pouring in from citizens and local businesses in the area. Without ever having to ask - donation promises of coffee, donuts, pizza (from 4 different places), chips, water, juice, etc started pouring in. People also just called to lend their services as well. It was so cool!!!! Part of why I love my small town of GENEVA!!!

Our little community just came together to make this day happen - and it did and it was good!

This past Saturday was the actual build day - we all started around 8:30am.
I had volunteered to be the "first aid" person for the day since I have the nursing background - all told my duties involved cleaning and bandaging cuts on three different people. (not very eventful but glad it ended up that way)
I also ended up helping piece some of the equipment together as well.

I think we had anywhere from 30-50 people volunteer over the course of the entire day.
It was the perfect amount of help without everyone tripping over one another.

At the end of the day - the whole thing was put together and put up!
Here are few pics over the course of the day:

In my opinion it turned out even better than the poster we had to go off of!!!

I was so grateful to be a part of something like this for my community. I know that it will be used frequently by many families for a long long time. I am also excited at the prospect of someday being able to bring OUR child to this playground and explain to them how mommy helped to build it! Pretty cool eh????

..............................................

Wow......this post is getting really long - if you are still reading....thanks for hanging in there as I probably would have bailed by now if it were me!

..............................................

As for the Zoey kitten - what is there to say?
Let's see.....she is now nearly 4 lbs. I truly hope her growth curve slows down a bit in the coming months or we may have a real pudge monster on our hands! She has recently developed a weird fascination with the bathtub and toilet - she loves to watch you when you are in the shower (I know - very weird) She also loves to stand on her hind legs on the toilet and watch it as it flushes. (I know - very very weird) She continues to aggravate the Sh*t out of Babycat every chance she can. Most days, he just tolerates her however I have found them sleeping together which tells me he really DOES love his new sissy!!!

I managed to catch the greatest pic of Zoey this morning - keep in mind that both cats LOVE to play fight and that Baby is shedding up a storm currently. This is how I found Zoey this morning after walking back in the house:

Gotta love it right!!!!

As for me: AF is in town - she rudely woke me up this morning at 1am (bitch) with pretty intense cramps! Nothing like having to get up in the middle of the night for a potty trip, supplies and medication! Joy oh Joy!

So there you have it folks - the long and short of it all!

Tomorrow is chock full of appts - first the doc for my BP which seems to be coming down a bit and the new therapist to help me "work through my infertility grief"
Promise to report back tomorrow!!!

MOOD REPORT:

Community outreach and the wonder twins!!!

2009-06-13T19:36:00.003-04:00

The Wonder Twins
"What Mom??? We weren't doing anything!!!!"

Can you believe how much bigger The Zoey kitten has gotten??? I mean look at her compared to Babycat - it's scary considering she's only a bit over 3 months old. I really think she is going to give Baby a run for his money in terms of the weight dept. Our nickname for him is "fat cat" but that might have to change if "she" keeps eating like she has been.

I felt the need to put something on the blog today however it will have to be short.
Why does it have to be short you ask???? Let me explain!
You see I spent the entire day doing a community playground build for The City of Geneva.
I was the designated first aid volunteer - though I did much more than that.
I promise that after I regain some energy and get some sleep - I will provide all the wonderful details as it is a great story most definitely worth telling!

It's amazing what a full day in the sun will do to you!!!
(Yes folks.......I wore sunscreen and drank PLENTY of fluids)

For now - I am going to jump in the shower, clean myself up, and head directly to bed!

Ahhhh sweet bed - I will enjoy every moment when I slip under your covers tonight!!!

Until tomorrow folks!

MOOD REPORT:

Show & Tell - new day, same sandbox!

2009-06-11T07:27:00.006-04:00

Aren't you all confused, scratching your head......thinking for just a second that today is Saturday?

It's not - you see Mel over at STIRRUP QUEENS recently took a vote and it was decided to move S&T to Thursday - so there you have it! If you haven't already done so - don't forget to click on over to see what everyone else is showing!!! (there may be boobs involved)

.........................................................

My body is falling apart and definitely NOT aging gracefully - the following meds have now been added to my massive pill box repertoire:

One step forward two steps back - that is the body of Jenn's motto since 2008.

I just need to say it - WTF????? Enough already!!! I am sick of feeling sick, being sick, doctors trying to diagnosis the sick, and the meds to treat the sick! "C'mon God - throw me a bone here!" Seems like every time I go see one doc, I have to go see another - it's a really bad chain reaction.

It's ironic - I went from pumping myself full of random fertility meds to now pumping myself full of assorted anti-depressants & blood pressure meds. Hmmmmm - kinda makes you wonder if the two things are related, doesn't it? May have to think about that some more given the fact that my doc "recommended" I go back to see a counselor to work on some of my unresolved infertility issues. (Mel - your recent post could not have been more timely I guess - thanks for that!!!)

Uggghhhhhh - my head hurts and I really want my Dunkin Donuts coffee!
BUT I am re-thinking that this morning based on my Blood pressure and new med!
F*ckity F*ck F*ck F*ck - This totally stinks!!!

MOOD REPORT:

2009-06-09T11:09:00.004-04:00

................................

Life around here has been pretty average as of late - which to be honest is nice for a change.
For awhile there it was pretty up and down - I am just hoping that things stay on the boring side
for a bit. I would LOVE a "bit more boring, run-of-the-mill" stuff coming our way.

We went to our adoption class last night - pretty cut & dry stuff there. Only two more classes left and then on to the whole home study process! Ugghhhhhhhh!!!!

I did finally contact an adoption lawyer in Cleveland for a phone consult. I really liked what I heard after speaking with her and set up an appt. to meet with her to discuss our options.
Our biggest concern at this time is trying to navigate the Ohio law in regards to adoption advertising. Basically the law in Ohio states that the only people who may do adoption advertising are: licensed agencies & licensed adoption attorneys. No private individual or couple my advertise on their own behalf.

Now understanding the kind of person that I am & how badly I want to help in this process - that law totally frustrated the heck out of me. I had researched, read, looked up info, and talked to other couples who adopted privately about their networking plan. I was so confused as how to interpret this law for us, so as not to get into trouble.

After speaking with this attorney however, I finally got some piece of mind about this.
She basically told me that this law has an enormous amount of gray area to it - that because the "type" of advertising is not spelled out - there is much room for interpretation.

I came away from this conversation feeling fairly secure in setting up a plan to help us network that included some types of advertising. Being pro-active in this has allowed me to feel a bit more "control" of this process. There are so many things that are "out of my control" that having even a tiny bit of "control" thrown my way has meant a lot.

...........................................

On a completely different topic:
Anyone else out there having a "I'm feeling shlumpy and old" week?
The kind of week where you keep looking in the mirror and playing with your hair?
Or pulling back on the sides of your face to see what a nip/tuck would look like?
I could go on and on......but I know you ladies get the idea!

I am SOOOOOO there - however today I finally decided to do what any hot-blooded, feeling old & shlumpy woman does when they are feeling like that:

Take a trip to the beauty salon - and so I did - and it was good!

I took the unnerving plunge of going to a different salon in town this time. I even told the receptionist when I called that I wanted them to hook me up with a stylist who "could bring back a bit of my funky old self" (....the receptionist laughed but promptly mentioned a specific stylist and set up the appt.)
Totally did an overhaul in the color dept - went from medium brown with blond and reddish highlights on top to an overall deep brown mahogany color with just the slightest touch of blondish highlights in front. The color was put on over my old highlights which gave my hair several different shades on the brown/mahogany color - it is pretty cool.

The cut was pretty cool and the stylist actually showed me the best way to style it! (love that) Got all my facial waxing done too just to make sure things looked polished.

All in all I was truly pleased with the result and ended up coming out of it, depleted in $$ but with a bit more bounce in my step which I feel is priceless!

(oh and if you were hoping for pics - sorry - I just don't do self pics well - maybe another day)

That's all for now -

MOOD REPORT:

Show & Tell - Saturday news in a nutshell

2009-06-06T19:24:00.007-04:00

It's Saturday once again - come one - come all...........Join in the fun! Let's see what random pics Jenn can come up with this week shall we? Oh and and by the way.....don't forget to visit Mel over at STIRRUP QUEENS to check out what she and all the other cool kids are showing at the head of THEIR class!

It's been fairly uneventful this week - work, home, adoption classes, hubby, the kitties, repeat!

I tried with all my might (well maybe a bit of might) to think this week about what I might actually put in this week's Show & Tell - I was hoping for something spontaneous and funny or something heartwarming and touching OR even something just plain silly!

Well.....I ended up with nothing - a big old goose egg - nothing but negatory! You get the idea.

So here it was Saturday and I am frantically wracking my brain and old pics for something Show & Tell worthy.

Nothing here.....nothing there.....shoot....nothing there either darn it!

What's an Infertile-hopeful-adoptive-parent-to-be to do?

Come on....take a guess!

You know you want to!

Got an idea?

Think hard! (I bet you are closer than you think)

Oh YES I did.....I totally dressed up the Zoey cat!

Call it deep rooted insanity or total baby-longing transference - I call it adorable!
I mean really..........who can blame me? I really think the cheerleader outfit brought out the best in her! Can't you tell from the pics?

(Well maybe not - since I sincerely think she looks pissed and totally over it)

Thank goodness kittens have short memories - GOD, I really hope that is correct!!!

Hope everyone is having a fantastic weekend!

Hugs and love!

MOOD REPORT:

The great midnight escape caper.....

2009-06-04T07:17:00.003-04:00

As I write this "the monster" is laying on my hands purring!

So I was incredibly tired last night and decided around 9pm to head upstairs to watch TV in bed.
Hubby does his nightly ritual of taking his meds, locking up the house and then grabbing "spasticat" and putting her in her room for the night. (this is no small feat sometimes!)

Hubby then heads upstairs and joins me in bed to watch some TV as well.

We are laying there quietly for about an hour and ....dum dum dum........all of a sudden:
It was like something out of a horror movie!

I hear a noise
Hubby hears a noise
We look at one another - shrug it off
Continue to watch TV

Then BAM!!!! Out of nowhere this hyperactive, spastic, black ball of fur takes a flying leap on to the bed (my side of course) and scares the living daylight out of me!!! (all the while I laughing my butt off) She is running all over the bed like a bat outta hell!!!

You guessed it - she figured out how to escape her "kitty jail"

I scoop the holy terror up and take her back downstairs to return her to her room.
All the while with the hopes that hubby had inadvertently left a crack or tiny escape hatch which can be fixed.

NOPE -BUZZ - WRONG ANSWER.

Put her back in her room - put glass storm window across doorway as we have been doing.
Promptly watch Zoey climb up the molding of the doorway and jump out again.
She did have the courtesy of sitting right outside of her room after showing HOW she escaped as if to say..."Mom...mom....MOM.......Hey look what I can do!!!" (kind of like Stuart on Mad TV)

So I pick her up again and march back upstairs......all the while still giggling to myself.
(It is SOOOOOO hard to be mad at this adorable, purring fuzz ball sometimes)

Get upstairs and explain the dilemma to hubby - I had already resigned myself to a sleepless night of booger licking and a fur collar.

Hubby gets up - takes the fur ball with him and heads back downstairs without saying a word.

10 min. later hubby returns, gets into bed without saying a word.

I say, "did you put her back in her room?"
He says, "yep"
I say, "did you figure something else out for the doorway?"
He says, "yep"
I say, "wanna elaborate?"
He says, "you probably don't want to know"

Now my interest is peaked! I bug him til he tells me the following...............................

"Let's just say that Zoey is now PANDA protected"

In order to understand the humor in this you have to know that about a year ago, after watching some unnamed PANDA starring cartoon movie - hubby came across a certain fleece throw blanket featuring said PANDA - which he just HAD to have!
Every time this blanket is in use......hubby says he is "panda protected" (which in husband to English translation means I can't touch him - that's if you were wondering)

I could not imagine what sort of contraption hubby had come up with but soon found out when I got up later to pee.

Hubby had put the storm window back in it's place but had taken the blanket and tacked it up inside the doorway as well. This prevented the fur ball from being able to see out of the room as well as created a much taller barrier. (hubby is very inventive to say the least)

It worked though Zoey was NOT a happy camper - literally throwing herself at the blanket and window for an hour or so. She finally gave up after an hour or so and went to bed.

HALLELUJAH!

Sleep at last!

So yeah........this horror movie has a happy "panda-protected" ending!

MOOD REPORT:

Super Sushi Tuesday, Crazy 8's & Zoey - OH MY!

2009-06-02T09:54:00.006-04:00

Can you believe it's that time again? SUPER SUSHI TUESDAY!!!!
(echo of Tuesday...)
Super Sushi Tuesday is dedicated to ALL things "Fertility Forbidden"

Leave a comment with one thing for the week that you have given up, quit, cut down on, long for, miss dearly, wish you could have, etc.

This is where I step in for you! Since hubby and I are on the road to adoption and not actively TTC anymore.....I will GLADLY be your "sushi surrogate"
In other words - I will selflessly indulge all your "fertility forbidden fantasies" for you!

Still taking your orders......bring 'em on!

Admit it....that "sushi cake" looks awesome!!! You know you want some!
No? Fine...more for me!!!

Okay - so my wonderful friend BEAUTIFUL MESS tagged me for this game called CRAZY 8's it seems forever ago and I am just now getting around to doing it.

Please pop on over to her blog and check it out! - not only is she an incredibly heartfelt, creative and honest writer, but she has been one of my most loyal blog readers from the very beginning. Thank you dear friend - it means the world to me! P.S. Your support of The Cavs is awesome too - even if they didn't do it this year.

You will have to excuse my lack of tagging others as most of the bloggers I read have already been tagged. I will however do my best at filling in the other info. Here goes:

Eight things I am looking forward to:

waking up to my hubby every morning
my 6th sober anniversary (July 18th)
having no Zoey scratches on my legs
when shedding season is done for Babycat
(Zoey erased this entry by walking on my keyboard while I was typing)
being able to exercise again
continuing to blog
building a family through domestic adoption

Eight things I did yesterday:

Let Zoey loose on Babycat
got my Dunkin Donuts coffee
picked up an extra special birthday brownie for mom
went with mom to Presque Isle Downs & Casino
promptly lost all my money at above Casino (boohiss!)
made hubby a grilled swiss cheese sandwich for dinner
went to adoption pre-service class

Eight things I wish I could do:

Dance
have plastic surgery
make sushi on my own
make a baby on my own
cook better/more often
become a mid-wife
love myself more
be a better friend

Eight shows I watch:

House
Dog- The Bounty Hunter (love it)
A Baby Story
What Not To Wear
Ace of Cakes
Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives
SouthPark
America's Next Top Model (hangs head in shame)

Eight Favorite Fruits:

watermelon
cherries
golden delicious apples
strawberries (gotta watch those seeds)
clementines
naval oranges
kiwi
pomegranate

Eight Places I'd like to travel:

Israel
New Zealand
New Orleans
New York City
Japan
Thailand
Jamaica
back to Kaui

Eight Places I've Lived:

Bath, Ohio
Akron, Ohio
Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio
Stow, Ohio
Kent, Ohio
Geneva, Ohio
(that's all folks)

So there you have it ladies & gentlemen! Crazy 8's - hope you learned a little bit more about me.

Feline update:
We are patiently waiting for some correspondence from Zoey's long distance boyfriend - Darth. She has been a little sad since he hasn't called, written OR sent any more pictures. You know how men are......(sighs)

Babycat and Zoey have developed quite the unique relationship. It is an "opposites attract "sort of relationship. Babycat is fat, laid-back and generally slow-moving. Zoey on the other hand is sleek, hyper-active (ADD for sure) and constantly moving. They would have you believe they don't like one another HOWEVER I have since caught the both of them sleeping within inches of one another on our bed. I am hoping to catch a good photo op of them soon.

MOOD REPORT:

Show & Tell - A day late and a championship short.

2009-05-31T19:31:00.011-04:00

This Show & Tell is a bit late but here nonetheless!!!
Don't forget to visit Mel over at STIRRUP QUEENS to check out what she and all the other cool kids are showing at the head of THEIR class!

First and foremost - I am still reeling from the great CAVS loss yesterday.
I am disheartened, disappointed, sad but mostly hopeful that maybe JUST maybe next year will be OUR YEAR! A girl can dream....right?

Not too much has been going on that has been picture worthy - so I decided that at the risk of completely annoying and boring the heck out of everyone, I would show a few more ZOEY pics!
In order to understand these pics however I need to give you a bit of information first.

For those of you not aware.....Jim and I have an Ebay business that we do part-time. We sell mostly high end, gently worn clothing items and a few other odds and ends that we come across.
We both have small "Ebay rooms" set up with all our necessary gear for listings - camera, backdrops, hangers, tags, mannequins, etc.

In my Ebay room I have a standing mannequin pole that has both a male & female upper bodice that can be interchanged. Awhile ago for some unknown reason I decided to name the male mannequin bodice - HENRY and the female mannequin bodice- LUCY. (why I am telling you their names - I do not know)

I tend to work much more with LUCY than I do with HENRY simply because I have a better handle on describing women's clothing than my dear husband.
This leaves poor HENRY sitting in the corner of my Ebay room on the floor.

Now HENRY for some odd reason has this cut-out abdomen - I really have no explanation for this though I am sure when someone reads this, they will promptly write me with an obvious explanation ( or at least I hope so) I digress.....

As I had said - HENRY spends a lot of his time just hanging out all alone.............
At least he did until ZOEY showed up.
You see.....ZOEY sleeps locked in my Ebay room every night due to her affinity for nocturnal unprompted purring lovefests and nostril licking.

Now it seems that ZOEY and HENRY have become AMAZINGLY well acquainted................

DEFILED HENRY

ZOEY INSIDE HENRY- SHE IS THERE - LOOK CLOSELY!!!!

ZOEY POPPING HER HEAD OUT OF HENRY'S ARMHOLE

So there you have it folks.......a day late but awfully cute!!!!

MOOD REPORT:

TGIF or Thank God I finally got a Cavs win!!!

2009-05-29T07:03:00.002-04:00

We won.....HALLELUJAH....we won!!!
OyVey....these play-offs are getting exciting folks!!!! The game on Saturday should be a good one! I will need to remember to stretch and take lots of throat lozenges BEFORE the game!

Been rather quiet in this old brain of mine - Can you actually believe it?
I think I am still reeling a bit from last weekend.
Working through and processing. The mood is slowly improving each day which I am thankful for. Trying to keep my mind off the bothersome stuff which is no small task.

We finished up another of our adoption classes last night (again, thank you to Kim and Jenny for the Cavs texted score updates- LOVE YA)

Class was on cultural/racial issues in adoption. Pretty interesting stuff. We did watch a video for class and I am really glad our instructor gave us a "heads up" on it before watching. She told us to keep in mind that the people in the video were in their early 20's and were VERY outspoken in their beliefs. She wanted us to focus on the overall message and not get put off by the individuals. The men and women in the video were themselves transracial adoptees who were possibly considering becoming adoptive parents themselves. They were speaking to their experience and difficulties in being transracial adoptees. Many good points were made in the video and I was able to take away some good food for thought.

I will share however that one of the comments made on that video bothered me to no end.
(I am sharing my opinion completely here - sorry if you disagree )

This woman's comment was a sweeping generalization about couples who come to adoption as their family building choice. She basically said (and I am paraphrasing here) that most couples who come to adoption do so because of Infertility issues and that by the time they are at adoption, it is their "plan B or second choice" The feeling she seemed to be expressing was that an adopted child would always be "second best" for these couples and that the adopted child would grow up feeling like they were the "second choice".

I jumped into the discussion we had after the video. Please understand that all of the couples in our class already have biological children and that Jim and I are the only "infertile childless" couple there.
I felt a great need to make sure I shared some of OUR story so that I could "clear the air" about that comment.
I shared that when Jim and I decided we wanted to start a family, part of our discussion at the very beginning was about adoption. We discussed all of our family building options well before we actually knew we had IF issues. Adoption was put on the table at that time as a possibility.
It was always one of our family building options rather than our "fall back plan"
We just chose to go ahead naturally at first. Simple as that.

I would never consider adoption as our "plan B". If God willing we do end up with an adopted child, I will know in my heart that part of the greater plan for us was to build our family THIS way. Our child will be our child 100%, no matter what path we took to build our family.

I believe there is great power in words - power to mislead and hurt as well as to clarify and heal.
That is why I felt a great need to put our point of view out there in class as well as on my blog.
I feel better for having done so!

Not much else going on - heading off to work soon.
Promise to catch up a bit more this weekend. Have a good one and don't forget to watch Saturday's game.

GO CAVS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MOOD REPORT:

Could an Infertile get a Cavs win PLEASE?

2009-05-27T06:54:00.005-04:00

What can I say Lebron? You did your best but it was not to be. The hurt goes on!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think after watching last nights game I have come to a very important conclusion:
I am a maniac while watching my team - let me give you a few examples ......
My heart rate sky rockets
My blood pressure goes up
All the muscles in my legs and belly tense up to the point I am sore
I have a tendency to swear like a drunken sailor at the TV
I scare the daylights out of the cats while doing said swearing
I hold and squeeze hubbies hand til he yells at me for hurting him
I hide under the covers when we are tied or in "all or nothing" situations

So all in all, I may have to re-think how I watch my games.

Not much else to share this morning other than THIS fabulous picture.....................................

MOOD REPORT:

Super Sushi Tuesday.....yet again!

2009-05-26T09:38:00.003-04:00

Can you believe it's that time again? SUPER SUSHI TUESDAY (echo of Tuesday...)
Super Sushi Tuesday is dedicated to ALL things "Fertility Forbidden"

Leave a comment with one thing for the week that you have given up, quit, cut down on, long for, miss dearly, wish you could have, etc.

This is where I step in for you! Since hubby and I are on the road to adoption and not actively TTC anymore.....I will GLADLY be your "sushi surrogate"
In other words - I will selflessly indulge all your "fertility forbidden fantasies" for you!

Still taking your orders......bring 'em on!

WARNING: VERY LONG POST and CHILDREN MENTIONED - SORRY!!!
Oh the weekend......
What can I say about the weekend? What can I say about my emotions as of late?

I got to spend some great quality time with hubby on Saturday just toodling around town taking care of errands and such. I do enjoy doing that with him. Finally feeling better physically too!

On the flip side of things however I just had a very tough "being childless/infertile" time this weekend too.

We went down to visit Mom & Dad on Sunday - They had planned an open house of sorts for my nephew, Scotty. They always do this to allow all their friends a chance to meet the new grandchildren. The reason it took so long for them to get around to doing this (Scotty is 7 mths. old) was because of their vacationing over the winter in Florida.

I knew there would be many people in and out of their house visiting but I think I underestimated the amount of people coming who would bring their very young children/babies.
Including my nephews, I believe we actually had around 8 children there. Ages 7mths to 11 yrs old. It seemed all the adults there were either parents or grandparents.

And then there we were - just Uncle Jim and Aunt Jenn.
or daughter Jenn and son-in-law Jim.
or friends, Jenn & Jim
But just not Mom or Dad.
Simply put - It hurt - really really hurt!

I love my nephews with all my heart and would do anything for them.
This was one of those times where despite my feelings and emotions, I just felt it too important to be there for my family. I knew however it would take it's toll on me - and it did!

The positive that came out of the visit was that I got to see my fabulous husband hold my 7mth. old nephew. This was pretty huge as he still seems a bit nervous around infants.
I cannot tell you how much my heart swelled watching him hold Scotty. It was such a beautiful sight to behold. It solidified in my mind the fact that Jim would be a phenomenal daddy.

Hubby did have one very unique and special moment while holding Scotty.
They both were just sitting there kind of chilling out together when Jim looked at me and said, " Um hon....I think something just happened here withe the kid....he just vibrated" - I almost peed my pants laughing so hard! I guess Scotty had a good "tooting" fest going on!

On the trip back home on Sunday, Jim knew I was upset. He is doing his very best to deal with my emotions about the baby thing but I think he just has a hard time understanding where I am coming from. He tried to re-iterate the fact that we are half way through our adoption classes and that we will have a baby soon of our own. I told him that I heard what he was saying but that a part of me didn't believe that and that I wasn't excited - wasn't going to get excited, and I am not. Not excited at all. Here is why.

Despite the fact that we are pursuing adoption, there is a thought and real fear of never having a child. It is in the same place as all the fertility testing, crappy test results, unsuccessful cycles, flushed infertility $$ and BFN preggers tests.

Finer minds would likely tell me that I am trying to protect my heart from more disappointment and heartache. They would tell me that it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel especially after all the disappointment we have endured. It is hard to imagine having a child come into our lives after not having one for so long. ( and yes I am aware many women in the IF community have done this much longer and have been through much more - just sharing MY thoughts)

So in that vain - I continue to disbelieve. And I know that is okay for now - it is just where I am. Neither here nor there. Putting one foot in front of the other just because.
It doesn't mean we stop moving forward or pursuing adoption. It just means I have to work through my emotions in the midst of this process. Easier said than done some days.

On Monday, we had our annual Memorial Day cook-out. This is something my husband has done with our neighbors for many years. Since cook-outs tend NOT to be my thing and I get anxious trying to plan events like this, Hubby offered to take the reigns on this one. He did a really good job.

Unfortunately we ended up having several unplanned and uninvited guests which just about put me over the edge in terms of anxiety. We really had to scrape around in the house to find extra paper plates and such. To add insult to injury, one of the uninvited guests brought her 5 children with her. I believe all under the age of 8. Had it not been for a very good friend of mine who showed up, I would have completely lost it. I was just NOT in good place to begin with and then to have to contend with all those children just did me in.

So yeah....to sum up my emotional state for the last two days...I would say I am in the pooper!
I have been irritable, sad, depressed, and pissy. The mix of negative emotions where you know you are miserable, know you are miserable to be around and just don't give a crap!
Fun eh?

If you are still reading...and I won't be hurt if you are not......Thanks and thats that!

GO CAVS!!!!! Gotta beat ORLANDO!!!

MOOD REPORT:

Show & Tell - In a three part show!!!

2009-05-23T18:16:00.008-04:00

Saturday Saturday SATURDAY!! It's your favorite day of the week folks - time to gather all your really important stuff or even not so important stuff and show it off to the class!!!
Don't forget to head on over to Mel's Blog @ Stirrup Queens and check out what the rest of the class is showing - It is SOOO worth the trip!!!

Decided to do today's post in three parts - mostly because I can but also because I figure it's likely you will like at least one of the parts!!! That's the intent at least.

Enough rambling and on to the good stuff!

Show & Tell Item number one:

This is a collection of the "farmer's market" that showed up work this week. Now I know my co-workers and I are all making a concerted effort to make healthy lifestyle changes but SERIOUSLY?????
Especially after the "healthy food debacle AKA killer fruit salad" - I am beginning to think someone is out to get my job!!!
WTF??? celery??? REALLY!!!
P.S. In the upper right corner of the pic you will see my "IN BOX" - For the record and those who need reading glasses it says......"JB The Magnificent" I always liked that box!

Show & Tell Item number two:

Yep that is Zoey - who has gained like three times her original weight.
And Yep - she is totally eating off my plate
If you are not an animal person and this grosses you out - then tough titties! I let ALL my animals eat off my plate - deal with it. Being an infertile, they are MY babies and I treat them as such.
And finally YES, that is chicken alfredo which she apparently LOVES! That's my girl!!!
Gotta love a fur baby who is a total carb whore like her mama!!!

Finally Show & Tell Item number three (the most important item of all)

By far the most exciting, amazing and breath-holding end to a game you can possibly imagine!

Here is a re-cap of about the last 20 seconds of the Cavs VS Magic game last night....Even if you aren't much into sports, missed it or hadn't heard....IT IS TOTALLY WORTH WATCHING!!!!

Gotta love it folks!

MOOD REPORT:

Before and After...

2009-05-21T06:29:00.003-04:00

I am sad....very very sad! Though they tried incredibly hard...my CAVS lost their first game against Orlando in the Semi-finals last night. BooHoo!!! (insert dramatic tears here)

Since the game was a real nail-biter right up to the very end (was squeezing the life out of hubbies hand) it took a great deal of relaxation and soothing to finally get myself to sleep.

Let's hope they do better next time - shall we??

A brief update on my physical state of being since I promised:
It seems last Friday, I had a flair of Diverticulitis . Although it was unexpected, sucked in terms of the pain and was really really bad timing, it is easily treatable.

Now I DO however have to share the circumstances of how this whole episode went down for I believe it proves one of my underlying fundamental beliefs -
HEALTHY FOOD WILL KILL YOU!!!

Since I have recently been making a distinct effort to take better care of my body ,
a few of my co-workers have jumped on the band wagon with me. We all have been bringing in healthier food items to snack on.

Now Friday morning I go trotting off to work and start my normal daily laundry list of tasks.
My one co-worker Jenny had told us she was bringing in fresh fruit salad for us to snack on.
In she comes with this lovely bowl full of fresh strawberries and pineapple all cut up for us.
It looked (and tasted) delicious!

Fast forward to an hour or so later - I am doubled over in pain, sweating and nauseated.

The long and short of the story is that ingesting the seeds that strawberries have (which are apparently NOTORIOUS diverticulitis No No's) just set off this really bad reaction in my bowel.

I really need to make a very clear point here -
Had I been eating a Twinkie or Hershey bar (mmmmmm- that sounds so good right now)
I would NOT have had one problem. Those suckers would have gone right through me.

Let me reiterate: HEALTHY FOOD CAN AND WILL KILL YOU!!!
I have maintained this belief for a long time and now have the proof - SO THERE!!!

ZOEY UPDATE:
She has recently learned how to take flying leaps into the bathtub -this generally take place while you are sitting on the toilet trying to do your business. FUN FUN FUN!!!
She is also eating everything in site - including Babycat's food as well as ours. It is a real throw-down on Sushi Tuesday's - let me tell you!

Since I am on short time schedule this morning - I am going to have to do my gratitude list early here. Please forgive me.

GRATITUDE LIST:
getting to hold Jim's hand during the Cav's games
finding Zoey and Baby asleep together on our bed
the incredible sunshine and 80 degree weather we are having
co-workers who bring me chocolate after bringing me "killer fruit salad"
a pretty wonderful mom (yep - I am blessed!)

MOOD REPORT:

Super Sushi Tuesday.....

2009-05-19T10:07:00.007-04:00

Can you believe it's that time again? SUPER SUSHI TUESDAY (echo of tuesday...)
Super Sushi Tuesday is dedicated to ALL things "Fertility Forbidden"

Leave a comment with one thing for the week that you have given up, quit, cut down on, long for, miss dearly, wish you could have, etc.

This is where I step in for you! Since hubby and I are on the road to adoption and not actively TTC anymore.....I will GLADLY be your "sushi surrogate"
In other words - I will selflessly indulge all your "fertility forbidden fantasies" for you!

And just for the record this week - Chocolate is going to be HIGHLY encouraged since AF flew into town yesterday. White chocolate in particular - mmmmmmm!!! I am sure you understand!

Last night, Hubby and I did our Monday evening dash to get to our adoption class on time.
It was a good class which covered the topic of discipline in the foster/adoption system.
Got an enormous amount of excellent information out of this class. Jim actually seemed into it as well. I feel really lucky to have the trainer that we have for these classes - she is very easy-going, funny, full of information and quite interactive. I would definitely pursue additional training if I knew she was going to be teaching.

As for me...
Physically - I am holding up - that's the best I can do for now.
I am headed off to see the surgeon again today for a follow-up appt. - hopefully we can work out the problems I have been having as of late. (still not up to going into it - promise to update ya soon) I am sure things will be fine eventually - just gotta get there.
AF decided to make an early appearance YET AGAIN this month and in doing so completely kicked my ass with cramps, bloating and fatigue. Yeah - I am a site to behold, TRULY!

Mentally - I am managing - I know my moods are still a bit on the volatile side right now but I have no way of distinguishing my current AF-related insanity from my recent state of moodiness. Only time will tell. Just doing a lot of keeping my mouth shut for fear of unleashing
my inner lunatic. ( I am sure some of you have met her and probably even know her well)
Keeping her under wraps is a true feat in and of itself! TRUST!!!

Spiritually - I am still trying to work things out with God right now. I am doing lots of talking to God - not necessarily listening. It just seems as though I have a lot of stuff I need to get off my chest to the big guy/gal. I think once I get all that crap out there, I will be able to sit back and listen. At least that's the plan for now.
I am also trying hard to do a bit more praying for others. Trying to get the focus off me.
Will just have to keep trying!

Just cuz I feel like it -
ARBITRARY ZOEY PIC:

RANDOM THINGS GRATITUDE LIST:
We are one quarter of the way through adoption classes
Being woken up by a purring, nostril-licking kitten
The two new beautiful flowering plants hanging from our porch which are actually growing
Babycat and Zoey actually playing together
Boobs being where they are supposed to be as a result of NEW BRAS

MOOD REPORT:

Just another manic monday.........

2009-05-18T13:57:00.003-04:00

I cannot believe I was actually able to take this picture with my cell phone - not too bad eh?

ZOEY NEWS:
This is Zoey's new spot to sleep - she has this thing for my neck.
She just crawls right up to one side or the other, starts licking me and then passes out. As she gets into a deep sleep she really stretches out and I in turn end up looking like a poster child for the PRO-FUR industry. It's cute but makes for a tough time when trying to reposition.
On the plus side of things, she does tend to hide my double chin! (BONUS!!!)

She has developed one new habit which I have to say is truly something to behold.
I am outing her here - Zoey is a closet BOOGER LICKER!
Yep - you heard me right....she has an affinity for licking your boogers.
She will crawl right up to your face, start purring and out comes that little tongue.
She really goes to town if you let her - (we ARE trying to discourage her, I promise)

Not sure what that is all about but somehow I am not entirely surprised that we managed to adopt a cat with some behavior problems. It just fits our family perfectly!

Enough about that-

So after re-reading my Show & Tell post I realized just how disjointed and weird it sounded.

I had so many thoughts running through my brain that obviously came
flooding out in a big plethora of Jenn babble and nonsense.
Certainly not my best writing but oh well - you will have that.

The whole tone of that post was to let you all know how much you mean to me.
How much you really seem to understand and accept me.
Good bad or indifferent

It seems that no matter what emotional state I am in -
pissed
joyful
worried
hopeful
confused
determined
spazzed
serene
depressed
quiet
irrational

You all just accept me - just as I am - nothing more, nothing less.
Even at my very worst - you are able to look past all my shit and just love me.

My family and friends, who all know my M.O. still stick around when I know they want to smack me upside the head. I love them for that.
It still amazes me that my bloggy friends, whom I have never met, willingly offer up their support, understanding and love as freely as they do.
It is tough to put into words how grateful I am for that.

But I am grateful - very very grateful and blessed!

I hope that clears that up a bit - At least I feel better now for having clarified.

So in the vain of trying to be in the moment more, I am going back to my daily gratitude list.

Gonna try and have a theme - to make it more interesting:

RANDOM THINGS GRATITUDE LIST:
walking barefoot on new spring grass
having Zoey laying across my neck purring away
Polar pop
waking up Sunday mornings and being a goofball in bed with hubby
bloggy friends whose blogs are as messed up as mine

MOOD REPORT:

Show and Tell - True colors.........

2009-05-17T15:08:00.004-04:00

Can you believe it's that time again (actually a day late even but hey whose counting)
Time for SHOW & TELL a la MEL at Stirrup Queens....Stop on over and check out what the rest of the class is showing!!!!

Hang in there with my long ass story - I promise that S & T will follow but I have to set it up first! Patience Patience!!!

It's been a bit of a crazy week which I really don't have the energy to go into - suffice to say my body is NOT cooperating with me at all. It has definitely been sucky at worst and annoying at best. It is nothing new but alas it somehow manged to smack me in the ass when I wasn't expecting it. I really hate that. I also hate having friends and family worry about me.
I know I can't do a damn thing about that but it still makes me crazy!
I always seem to feel that there are SOOO many others out there with much more on their plate- I feel THOSE are the people that the worry should go to.

Again - not in my control - I know, I know!

What all this aggravation HAS managed to make me do is stop - step back and take a good look at where I am and what I am doing.

I had to look at my my whole self - body, mind and soul!

I realized I have been in a place of " all or nothingness"
A place of " emotional highs or lows"
Being " hopeful/faithful or desperate/hopelessness"
A place of " physical wellness or significant illness"

and have not been ANYWHERE in between for quite some time now.
I really think I had completely forgotten how to be in that "middle ground" - that "prayerful place" - that place of " physical wellness" - that place of "quiet serenity" etc.

Maybe it's a combination of things:
my medical issues and my aging body
learning how to build a successful marriage
trying to conceive and our infertility journey
letting go of where I "thought" I would be at 38, etc.

Whatever the cause - I realized that I wasn't listening to the messages life was sending me.

Here I think that God has been trying for QUITE some time now to get me to slow down.
To enjoy life - one thing at a time, one day at a time - quietly, gently, serenely.
To pay attention to ALL of me - body, mind AND spirit.
Take care of each of these parts EVERYDAY!

I just have not been listening. I have gotten caught up in my old "black and white" thinking.

In the midst of all this - I realized something wonderful.

I realized that in all my craziness, and utter extremes, I am not only loved but understood.

You all get me - you really really do - It's amazing to me really!!!

So brings me to my Show & Tell for this week:
I was flipping through the channels on the TV this morning and came across the show
Private Sessions on A & E - They were doing a show on the artist, Cyndi Lauper.

They talked with her about her life, career and plans for the future. They also showed her performing some of her old and newer songs.

One of the songs she performed was "True Colors" which happens to be a favorite of mine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47dtLWKle1U

It made me think of you all - my family, IRL friends, Bloggy friends, etc
It made me remember - You all get me - You really really do!
Thank you for that!

MOOD REPORT:

Zoey has a boyfriend!

2009-05-15T07:20:00.002-04:00

Nope that is NOT Zoey......Everyone I would like to introduce you to DARTH!!!!!

My good buddy, BEAUTIFUL MESS over at Life Induces thoughts, mostly random sent this pic of her BIL's new kitten, DARTH. She had been telling me that every time she saw a Zoey pic that she thought about DARTH and how they really looked like one another. I told her to send me a pic so we could hook them up and ....voila.......DARTH!!!

Now when I showed Zoey the pic, she just looked at the screen, bit my hand and took off. Not entirely sure what that means BUT I am going to go with the thought that she was SOOOOO blown away by his handsomeness that she JUST couldn't stand to look anymore.

I have now decided that they are going to long-distance date (casually for awhile as they are both pretty young) and see where things go.

Gotta love it! Now if I were more handy with my picture editing program I would TOTALLY crop pics of DARTH and ZOEY together with some lame ass heart sentiment printed up top just because I am like that. Wouldn't that just be so darn cute???? (you can roll your eyes - I am!)

Sorry for lack of posts however I have had little to say.....(who woulda thunk?)

Finished up yet another adoption class last night - it was SOOO incredibly depressing.
Topic was all about attachment and separation in Foster/Adoption/Kinship care.
The video we watched was from the prospective of a Foster child talking to a Foster parent about their feelings. It was very honest, raw, and heart-wrenching at times.
Most of the females in the room got teary eyed - including me.
I am glad we got this information but boy oh boy was it ever hard to take in!

(Zoey is biting my foot as I am writing - OUCH!!!!!!! - OyVey!!)

Still been trying to keep up my commitment to myself to exercise in some way or another as often as possible. So far so good - yesterday was the only day I have skipped since Sunday and that was only because I worked all day and had class last night. Figure I can hop back on the bandwagon again tonight after work.

Been feeling pretty emotional as of late.

I think I am really beginning to mourn the loss of not TTC anymore. The process of going through these adoption classes must have opened up that wound which I thought had healed up a bit. I am not surprised but am rather caught off guard.
I have been emotionally all over the place - okay one minute, easily irritated the next and in tears over small things too. I hate it! I have spent most of my life trying so hard to get a handle on my emotions and had finally felt like I had gotten to an even keel.

To be knocked off balance again with this emotional upheaval has been tough.

Hubby is literally going banana's trying to do his best to understand but I am afraid he is coming from such a different emotional place - I don't think he truly gets it.
Not his fault - it's just hard for him to process it.

In any case - I am surviving - that's the best I can do for today.

Gotta move as I am heading off to work!
Will catch up soon!

MOOD REPORT:

Super Sushi Tuesday.....

2009-05-12T10:01:00.005-04:00

Can you believe it's that time again? SUPER SUSHI TUESDAY (echo of tuesday...)

Once again - Super Sushi Tuesday is dedicated to ALL things "Fertility Forbidden"

For instance....as I am writing this post, I am sipping away at my favorite hot beverage - my Dunkin Donuts coffee (which by the way -really IS better than Starbucks!)

Please leave a comment with all the things you have given up, quit, cut down on, long for, miss dearly, wish you could have, etc.

This is where I step in for you! Since hubby and I are on the road to adoption and not actively TTC anymore.....I will GLADLY be your "sushi surrogate"

In other words - I will selflessly indulge all your "fertility forbidden fantasies" for you!

It's just the kind of gal I am - wink, wink, nudge nudge!

In other news:

We WON!!!! Hell yeah we did!!!! It was a sweep!!!
Gotta gear up for the next round- WE CAN DO IT!!!

Let me try and paint you all a picture of what basically transpired last night:
(let me also qualify this by saying I am NOT entirely proud of this)

Hubby and I did our speed-eating of dinner and rushing out of the house in order to get to Adoption Pre-service class on time.
Realized in the car that the Cavs game started an hour earlier than usual - SHIT SHIT SHIT!
Frantically tried to decide who to text about said game.
Sent off urgent messages to a couple of friends begging for text score updates during class.
Thank you KIM and JENNY for getting roped in!!! YOU ROCK!!!
Attempted several undercover text reads during class...done on the down low so as not to piss off our trainer (already been chastised once for a purse incident!)
Finished up class - literally raced out to the car, fumbled with radio dial and found game.
Listened on way home - dashed into house and flopped into recliner to watch the CAVS totally sweep this part of the series! LOVE IT!

Now this morning looking back on that run of events I had several thoughts:
1. My ability to multi-task is amazing
2. That reading text messages in adoption class is probably equivalent to passing notes in school
3. That I used to get in trouble for passing notes all the time in school.
4. That some habits are just HARD to break - adult or not!
5. The Cleveland Cavaliers ROCK!

Just for the record:
I did listen, participate and take in the information we discussed at class last night. It was all about abuse/neglect and the effects it has on children.
Sobering information to say the least.

Not much on the agenda today - will probably try to catch up on some sleep as it seems my good friend INSOMNIA has decided to come for a visit.

Will also be heading out for another healthy walk which by the way has done my mind a world of good. I forgot just how much it truly helps me to put on my headphones and walk.
It is "ME TIME" - My mind and body get into their own little zone.

I am aiming to try and walk daily although I am not going to go bananas if I miss a day.
I figure start off slow and see where it leads.
Sunday I walked 25 min. Monday I walked 30 min. So far so good!
We shall see..................

MOOD REPORT:

Monday Monday Mondayyyyyyyyy!!!

2009-05-11T08:15:00.005-04:00

Yep...I just LOVE that pic - aren't they adorable? They took the cutest afternoon snooze
together yesterday. She is really a cuddler!

Survived yesterday - got a few wonderful phone calls, text messages and emails from good friends.....You all KNOW who you are and I just want to say THANK YOU for remembering me too!!! It meant a lot to me!!!

Hubby and I decided to go visit my mom and dad on Saturday - thus alleviating the scheduling headaches of trying to get the whole family together on Mother's day.

Now ever since we brought our new fur baby home, my mom & dad have only seen pictures of her. They have not met our "monster" in all her furry glory! We wanted our little Zoey
to meet her new "Grammy and Pappy"
We decided to take a chance and bring her with us when we visited.

We did have some major trepidation about taking her with us on this car trip that takes well over an hour. We were worried about her crying the whole way if she was in her carrier or roaming the car like a mad woman if we gave her freedom.

We were truly amazed and pleasantly surprised......she did a bit of roaming around the car for about 10 minutes and then just climbed up behind my neck and fell asleep. Traveled the whole way to grammy & pappy's sound asleep like that. Too cute!

It worked out perfectly that mom was finishing getting ready upstairs when we arrived.
I took Zoey in and had my back to Mom when she came into the kitchen .

As soon as I turned around and mom saw that I was holding Zoey (which took a few seconds due to the fact that I was wearing a black shirt and Zoey kinda blended in)
Mom was totally sucked right in to the cuteness that is Zoey!!!

Mom and Dad got to spend the afternoon loving up their grandkitten ( and Us too)
while hubby and I made mom dinner. It was truly a wonderful day in my opinion!

Here are a few pics of Zoey with her Grammy and Pappy........
She really settled right in wouldn't you say???????????

Not much on the agenda today - ebay, shipping, etc.

Gonna make myself take another good healthy walk today - started up again yesterday.
Hoping that will help my body as well as my mind!! It always seems to quiet me down!

Have to get dinner ready early because of adoption class tonight - Hubby walks in around 5pm
and we have to be out the door around 5:20pm in order to get there on time.
It's an eat and run situation - which normally aggravates me however we only have to do this
though mid June. We will manage.

Not much else to share.....

Sending all my ALI and IF friends special HUGS AND SMOOCHES!!!
Sending the rest of you all - TICKLES and LAUGHTER!!! (maybe a rogue hug too!)

MOOD REPORT:

Show & Tell - Short and Sweet

2009-05-09T08:54:00.008-04:00

It's Saturday and that time again.....don't forget to head on over to STIRRUP QUEENS
to check out what the rest of the class is showing!!!

This will be a short and sweet update of the last few days followed by S & T:

Wednesday- all good - Cats torturing one another.

Thursday- work all good - long day - went to adoption pre-service class-class was great
but not feeling great while there - get home - much pain/blood in urine -
ER visit shows kidney stone - home around 1:45am

Friday- much of wee morning hours alternating between attempts at sleep and repositioning.
Late morning drinking fluids like a maniac - early afternoon, pass what feels like enormous
kidney stone - pain ceases - EXHAUSTED! Catch up on sleep all day.

Saturday-drinking DD coffee and getting set to head down to Mom and Dads to celebrate
Mother's day a bit early for scheduling reasons. Posting S & T pics.

FYI: I will NOT be posting tomorrow on Mother's Day - emotionally just too tough.
Having a tough time with this weekend to begin with for obvious reasons.
Wish being a Fur mama were enough but it's just not.
Just letting ya'll know!

Pics for S & T:
Yep you guessed it .....more kitten/cat pics (you'll just have to deal with it!)

The tale of Zoey kitten goes on - she and Baby cat have an interesting relationship
at this point.
I would not say they care for one another or even call it affection.
I would more likely call it a good old fashioned "brother/lil sister" relationship.

Zoey gets into one of her "I have to run around like a freakin' maniac modes" and in the
process decided she has to completely torture Baby in the process.
They spend most of the day chasing one another back and forth in the living room all the while
batting, hissing and meowing at one another.

Here are the two of them:
pic one: prior to Baby whomping Zoey
pic two: moments after said whomp and Zoey falling to the floor

After many long days of watching above activities, I quietly pondered to myself
ways in which I could torture the cats back - and then POOF!!! The perfect thought came!!!

This trick would only work on Zoey due to her size:

Yes - I coerced hubby into participating in my evil plan - ( I am terrible I know!)

MOOD REPORT:

Need some special prayers folks........

2009-05-06T12:33:00.002-04:00

This is a simple post asking for everyone out there to say a few extra prayers for one of my
blogger friends today.

Kate at I Can't Whistle has just suffered a loss after a very long and hard TTC road.
She needs all the love, support and prayers she can get.

Please stop by and send her some love!!

Thanks

Sushi Tuesdays.....ooohhh a new game!!!!!

2009-05-05T11:17:00.006-04:00

Now that is MYYYYYYYY kind of Sushi!!!!! Couldn't help myself with that pic!

So boys and girls....it's that time again........

SUSHI TUESDAY -

The one day of the week I get to treat myself to Ku's yummy sushi
and be completely self-indulgent in the process!!!

Now I have been doing this ritual for about as long as my little local Sushi palace
(The Coconut Hut ) has been open. I found out that Tuesday happened to be the day of the
week after he got in all his fresh fish AND was the day it was buy one get one free.
(Always a bargain hunter - I am!!!)

Now when Jim and I made the decision to start TTC, I did what many neurotic, obsessive and emotional women do.....I started reading and googling fertility info!!!

Some of said info was amazingly useful - some of said info was just helpful and the rest of said info was outright bullpuckey.

One of the things I kept reading about however was that eating Sushi/Sashimi during the two week wait was a BAD BAD thing. Let me add that when I refer to Sushi - I am using the very broad term and truly mean Sashimi or the raw fish. (Don't want to piss off any hard core sushi eaters out there!)

I was totally bummed the day I found that out HOWEVER my longing for a baby was strong and my determination was stronger so my sushi consumption was limited to only the first half of my cycles before ovulation, thus protecting any future embryos growing in my belly.

Now I have to tell you that after about 6 months, and all the subsequent BFN's, I decided to head into google land again to re-evaluate this whole subject.

After much research and deliberation, I felt comfortable enough to resume eating my weekly sushi. I did try and stay away from the truly raw stuff but when I did consume it, kept it to a minimum. Along with throwing this caution to the wind, I also resumed having my daily morning cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee as well which had been banished around the same time.

This was a very happy moment......throwing caution to the wind and just enjoying these two
"forbidden fertility" things.

I have not gotten my BFP and time has gone on. Since we are no longer actively TTC and pursuing adoption, I am trying to enjoy all the little things in my life.

So I continue to do SUSHI TUESDAY and still drink my coffee every morning like clockwork.
In the spirit of reaching out to all my new bloggy friends, I am dedicating my "sushi-eating, coffee drinking Tuesdays" to you! That way no matter where you are in your TTC path and no matter where you are in your current cycle - just know I will be happy to be your designated
"forbidden fertility" friend!!!!

TUESDAYS will be YOURS!
I will be making my TUESDAY posts dedicated to all things "fertility forbidden"

I am naming it "SUSHI TUESDAYS" because of my own experience
(and because it's my blog)
But I am sure you all get the idea.
Feel free to chime in with your experiences, thoughts, quirks, habits, etc
regarding things you have given up, changed, believed or done in the midst each of your cycles.
If I can help - I will!!! HEHEHEHE!!!

IN OTHER NEWS:
Last night was our first adoption/foster pre-service training class.
It went really well and I felt much better after having gone.
Still feeling slightly ambivalent about whether we should be using the county system or using a private agency however either way, we still need the pre-service training & homestudy.
I am doing a lot of praying and just turning this over to God in hopes that we are headed down the right path. I am sure time will tell.
It feels good to actually be started on this process. I have a good friend who works in IT who is going to help me put up our adoption webpage soon. I am hoping and praying that between that, my blog, and putting the word out, that we will find a birthmother looking to place her child.

On a completely weird and slightly ironic side note, at the training last night we took a break half way through the evening. The facilitators had provided cookies and coffee for all the attendees.
I, of course made my way over to the cookie table during break and about fell over in a fit of uncontrollable giggles..........................

Here is what the cookies looked like.....................
Can you freakin' believe it??????? Monkey cookies.....I LOVE IT!!!!!
Me being a lover of all things - MONKEY!!!

I told hubby it HAD to be a sign!!!! Hopefully a good sign!

Anyhoo - that's the scoop for today
DON'T FORGET TO COMMENT ON "SUSHI TUESDAY"
Can't wait to hear all about your forbidden favorites!!!

MOOD REPORT: